She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

I personally wouldn't attend.

Then you aren't tempted to do anything you may /may not regret. .
Just tell her too many bad memories are associated with weddings after what she did. .

I would say to her in order for you to maintain a good relationship with her in future you have decided you will not attend her wedding or hen as she ruined yours and you have not forgotten or forgiven it.

Totally agree with MrsCropley. Just tell her for the sake of your relationshi0 you are going to bow out and let her enjoy her day, in the way she didn't allow you to!

Agree with pps. Bow out graciously. She'll enjoy her day more if you and your DH aren't there by the sounds of things and I can't imagine attending would be a barrel of laughs for you.

I also agree you shouldn't go. I wouldn't want to in your shoes.

I don't agree, you should attend, but..... don't join in with the nonsense.

Don't get guilt tripped into any of her demands. Go as a guest, wear what you want. I take it you are a bridesmaid,, tell her you wont' be able to be her bridesmaid if she continues wanting all these things, but that you won't be the least bit offended if she finds someone else instead.

Yep. Don't go.

I would not be a bridesmaid or MOH for her.

Just turn up and do the bare minimal. If you're bored, show it.

Don't go to her hen. Don't take on any task or responsibilities.

I would prefer not to go in your circumstances but families aren't so easy. I'd pull out of being a bridesmaid and the hen night, attend the ceremony & dinner, and then leave. I wouldn't spend any extra money on this.

You have every right to still be distressed by her behaviour. She owes you a huge apology and I'd be limiting contact with her over the next 6 weeks. Only answer texts that are necessary. Ignore phone calls. Be brief and polite in any texts or emails, but pull back. Your mental health is far more important than a wedding.

Do not attend and let her know why!!!

Don't go.

As everyone else is saying; don't go.

Or if you must, at least don't be a bridesmaid - don't be part of the wedding party at all. It's just going to be more stress for you, and you do not have to inconvenience yourself for her.

I wouldn't not go, it's easy to say don't attend but not so easy to go through with.

I would go, but I would be as involved as she was and wouldn't go to the hen or give in to any demands about the day. Sounds spiteful but it would take a big person to not be bitter.

Take your BIL as a +1 and enjoy the show!

😈

Definitely step back if you can. If not going to any of it would cause massive ructions just see the ceremony and then go.

Thing is... if I do not attend it will cause a huge issue not to mention the stress for my parents. I don't want to be bitter.

Then where were your parents when she was causing YOU stress?
Don't go.

Na, I would be politely backing out. You dont have to explain why but if you do attend, it may cause you more anxiety and no-one is worth that.
I had a similar situation with my twin-her wedding(s) she didnt invite her family (we were meant to beg to attend, but I was on holiday) but I got her a card and a present I ignored the cheeky fucker request for cash

Cos I'm nice. I got married the year after, didnt tell many folk, just went to Gretna cos you know it was our day and we didnt want a big thing. Twin then slags me off publicly on fbook saying I looked like a knob.
I went NC.

Point is, sometimes your kin cant be happy for you, thats their problem. Please dont let it become your problem Be the better person and let her get on with her wedding. Just say you think its best if you don't attend given what happened with your wedding.

Or just try and go and be as pleasant as possible and then once your home enjoy feeling smug and like a better person?

I'd try talking to her. Tell her that her wedding coming up has reminded her how bad she made you feel in the run up to your wedding. I'd even acknowledge that it must have been shit to be there with her ex and the OW but it wasn't your fault. You might feel better if she acknowledges her behaviour.

She made your wedding hell by not going to your hen do and by sitting there looking miserable? Really? I guess I don't love my sis very much then as she didn't attend pre-wedding drinks night (no hen or stag) and I've no idea if she enjoyed the reveption because i hardly spoke to her.

Chapman

Are you a bridesmaid? If not attending is too much of an issue I would go to the wedding but not the hen do or any extras.

I don't think I could do it. I wouldn't trust myself not to be upset or say something.

I would decline to attend and say why.

She's the one who has caused the issue already with her behaviour. If she had any decency at all she'd have taken you aside and said sorry properly and tried to keep your involvement to as much as you are able to handle - maybe by asking you what role you'd like in her wedding - if any.

So when she was being an attention sseking cow and causing you all sorts of anxiety. Did any of your family step in and tell her to grow up. Or did they let her carry on and spoil it?

I'd attend but I'd try and avoid contact with her as much as possible, and don't enter into discussion about wedding planning. Give her the swerve until the day of the wedding and grin and bear it until it's over for the sake of keeping the peace for your family. n the long run it will be less aggro and hopefully appease your anxiety instead of making it all kick off again. It doesn't make it right how she treated you though, but some people are just selfish cunts that never learn a lesson!