She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

So 2 years after he cheated on her, she created a fuss about it because he was going to be at your wedding. As a result of that you didnt speak to her for 2 years, other family got involved to force a reconciliation and you still have anxiety as a direct result of her threatening to cry in the toilets?

It sounds far too much like hard work. What happened to "Shit happens, get over it"?

I know it's not easy but I would go and try to have the best time. Literally be the life and soul of it all. Enjoy the service, enjoy seeing your family and have a great time at the reception. Do the bits you have to do graciously and it'll all be over in a day. You'll be able to look back and know you conducted yourself well and everyone around you will see you're not behaving like she did.

Would still like to know what she did to make your wedding "hell". Was it worse than your partner cheating on you (something she apparently should have got over years ago)?

he says we will just have to grin and bear it

But you really really don't.

Why do you care more about what other people think than how you and your husband feel?

What, honestly, are the chances that you'll feel better about anything after the wedding if you go along? I can't see her managing to behave well given the past and if she gets a dig in and upsets you it'll be awful.

Prioritise yourself this time. It's not revenge or punishing her, making a fuss or trying to take attention away from her - which people like your parents might say but ignore them - it's about protecting yourself. By removing yourself from the situation entirely you're leaving them to it to have the day they want and preventing further hurt and drama.

One of the best things about being a grown up is not feeling obliged to do what other people want just because they want it.

Your parents sound useless by the way, no wonder she's a drama queen when she's so used to being pandered to. Stand up to them. Send her a message saying you hope she has a nice wedding day but unfortunately you won't be attending. Then don't get into with anyone. You'll have made a polite apology and nothing else is needed.

@stitchglitched they were on and off for about a year. She us d to say she would never marry his as he didn't have any ambition. I think it was the embarrassment of what he did to her that caused her to be such a drama queen. I even said to her that I understand her situation about BIL and his wife and don't expect her to talk to them but just to be civil and normal. It was like she was making a point to all our guests she was having a miserable time and wanted everybody to know. So people needed up talking about it rather than the wedding itself.

And to those who are calling ME a drama queen and that I am over reacting... try suffering from anxiety. It really magnifies your thoughts and feelings. I spent years and years dreaming about my wedding and how it would be so perfect...

HUlly

Sister-------OP+DH-------Brother
used to go out with-----------who cheated on her

I think if you want to repair the damage done to your relationship with your sister you should once and for all acknowledge that it must have been really really hard for her that you married her cheating x's brother. I think it's unrealistic to expect somebody to 'just' staple grin on a smile and hide their pain with all the relatives watching. Such a loss of dignity.

I didn't realise your wedding was a whole two years after her x cheated on her, but at the same time, I presume you were dating for a good while in the run up to that, a situation which would not have speeded up her healing.

This sounds so horrible ... and so familiar. But in years to come, what sort of relationship do you want to have with your extended family? It is totally your choice. I don't get on with my sister but my children have a really strong and good bond with their cousins and there are great aunts and uncles who are terrific. I'm assuming it's a family occasion so is there anyone that you would really like to see and keep as a part of your extended family? If the answer's no, then don't go. But if there is then don't lose out. Show her that you at least know how to behave at a formal occasion; you don't have to go overboard but you can be pleasant and wish her well.

I'm not getting it either.
Can you not imagine for a second that she had an awful time being expected to go to a wedding with her ex being there? It would have hurt her considerably.

Some people take lots of time to "move on" - others can do it quicker.

IT will be hard for her, knowing you socialise with him, and she will always have him at the edge of her social circle. And like someone said you aren't really showing solidarity, although understandably you need to remain on good terms with both parties.
It's an awkward situation. I don't think you should punish her for a situation that was not entirely of her own making.

I spent years and years dreaming about my wedding and how it would be so perfect...

I'm getting a definite bridezilla vibe off you, OP.

I did catch a slight whiff of it in the OP when you said sister "ruined" your "perfect day".

But now imma feelin' it for sures.

Just go any enjoy the food and booze.

I still can't see why your wedding preparations and the day caused you this much upset as in panic attacks for 3 years?? Maybe I read that bit wrong though

I'm personally not getting why some posters find it hard to understand it's hard to be happy and joyful at the idea that the very person who made your wedding hell is now expecting you to be the nice one, raise above hurt feelings for their own wedding.

If the Dsis had such an issue with being in the same room as her ex, then she shouldn't have attended.
Or kept her feelings for herself.
Not make a huge fuss etc etc and make her own sister's wedding such as painful experience.

If it's OK to ask the OP to raise above all the hurt, then it was also ok to ask the Dsis to raise above hers.
If it's not possible for the Dsis to do that, why should it be easy or possible for the OP to do so??

It is not your sister's fault that you have anxiety. Or that you built your wedding into something that had to be perfect in every way in your head.

How is your marriage ? You know, the thing you had a wedding for. If its good can you really not find it in your heart to want that for your sister?

You both sound over dramatic and clearly fail to see the others point of view.

Your BIL cheated on her, did you acknowledge at any point these things could be difficult for her. Did you simply think that 2 years later she should be over it and cope with the other woman being at the hen and engagement or dd you take her side.

All I am getting is how it affects you, no acknowledgement of her at all, exactly what you think she did to you!

For her it's been 6 years since the relationship broke down to get married you seem to say your bil was married by yours so very quick. What did do other than look (understandably) upset (comments about your dh aside but that is not a wedding issue)

And now other then making fairly normal bridezilla demands what is she doing

The question is, is there a lot more or are you make no it a lot more

It kind of depend how reasonable the levels of hurt are though Pepper

There has to be a lot more to this than we know, probably because it was a whole lot more things than the OP can put in a post. But she does sound extraordinarily bitter, if the split with your BiL was two years before your wedding.

I get how hurtful it is to be cheated on. But it has nothing to do with you or your DH. Your BiL is an adult and he alone bears the responsibility for what he did.

However you said that her main accusation was that when the split happened your loyalty should have been with her. I'm reading that as meaning you were with your now DH at the time. It would have been a very difficult position for you to be in - she's your sister, her ex is DH's brother. How did you handle it at the time? Were you neutral and stayed out of it on both sides, or did you say or do things to support the brother which in her eyes might have been seen as favouring him, the cheater? Or did you support her, but she thinks you didn't go far enough because you didn't vow to cut all contact and never to have anything to do with him again?

In this situation, what happened at the time is hugely significant for how things have panned out since.

But yes, you should go. It's only a few hours. And even if the worst happens, you can go NC or reduce contact with her after the event. Otherwise, based on what you've said about her it will just give her more ammunition to throw at you and in the long term that will prolong your anxiety.

Thank you (most of you) for the advice and comments. I am going to go to the wedding and just not be so involved. I'm the bigger person. And as somebody posted I will sit and chat with people I like and sure enough it will all go so quick and be over in a flash. I will keep alcohol to a minimum. People still talk about how she acted a fool at my wedding. I won't go down that same path.

Thanks.

Unless you want to send the relationship with her back to square one I think you should go. It's one day out of your life. I wouldn't play an active part or be a bridesmaid etc but plaster on a face and grit your teeth. I understand it seems crap when she couldn't do the same for you on your big day but try and be the better person x

But she does sound extraordinarily bitter, if the split with your BiL was two years before your wedding.

Sorry, to clarify - by 'she' I meant the sister, not the OP.

What @ButchyRestingFace said.

Bridezilla innit mate.

I think that building your wedding up in your head to perfection was never going to end well tbh. No day is truly perfect, something always goes wrong. The key to a perfect day is accepting that and not letting it spoil the experience. Go to the "Worst weddings you have been to" thread for examples of how bad it could have been!

I do think that she was being a bit of a silly cow over a relationship that was "on and off for a year", and had ended 2 years previously. Smacks of finding a reason to get the attention off you and onto her. But you still married the man you love didnt you? Isnt that what matters? Hanging onto the negativity and bitterness all these years later is totally pointless. All you are doing is hurting yourself.

Good for you op.

It might be time to lance the boil and then you can both move on.

What exactly did she do at your wedding to act the fool?

It's quite surprising how people generally expect others not to feel hurt or show it in such situations.

What silkybear said ⬆️

It sums it all up perfectly.