She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

If you don't go then your relationship will be back to how it was before she apologised. If you don't care about that, then don't go. But if you want family peace and harmony, then you have to go.

As a previous poster says - I would go, but don't join in with the crap. Don't play a part in the proceedings, just be a polite and uninvolved guest.

She behaved badly. Does that mean you have to behave badly as well?

And actually, I can understand her having had MASSIVE issues around your wedding. Doesn't mean she should have spoiled it for you - but at the same time, it was probably a horrendous time for her.

Lovemyfurfurbabs I agree with you

I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result.

Because your SIL was a cow over your wedding? Really?

What medication are you taking for your anxiety? Should you up it before attending, or even see your GP for advice before the wedding (that you probably should go to and keep your head down)

So she utterly ruined your wedding, and everything to do with it, and if you don't dance to her tune now it will stress your parents out??

Where the fuck were they when she was being a prick?

They should be the FIRST people to tell you that it's ok NOT to attend.

You don't get ANYTHING Worthwhile from your family, clearly. Why do you even bother talking to any of them at all?

I would go for sure but then AFTERWARDS ask her if she enjoyed herself and then ask her to imagine tell her how hard it was for you when she ruined your wedding. You know, when you've given her an example of how an adult should behave at someone elses wedding. See if you can then get a more decent apology out of her

Either that or just forget it and stop stewing, move on

Sounds a two siblings still fighting for attention even when adults! You are still bitter because she got attention when she was feeling miserable for being cheated on when you wanted it all about you and your forthcoming wedding and that lack of attention caused you on-going anxiety.

You still feel bitter and would love to ruin her wedding but know you can't because you'd look like the idiot and that would mean her getting even more attention.

I know some siblings like this and they make their parents miserable.

TBH if op had anything about her she would have spoken to her dh and told his brother that due to the circumstances the invitation was only extended to him solely and not ow.

Could imagine the sisters POV

I've had been dating this guy for over a year although lately we have been on and off. I love him to bits but no sure what direction he wants to go in career wise and we had been arguing about that. I then find out his been shagging this other woman behind my back. Hes now left me and they are engaged. My sister only went and started dating his brother! I was concerned about the same happening to her and raise issues about him to our dp. They are now planning their wedding however my DSis has invited them both my ex and ow to their engagement, her hen do and the wedding. I'm beside myself, I'm expected to sit back and watch whilst I'm suppose to put a smile on my face at my own sisters wedding. I really don't want to go but I have no choice. I wish ow wasn't going to be there. How can be sister be so cruel, she's oblivious to the hurt this is causing me and want her perfect day. Why can she put me first above the ow?

Underthemoonlight

The sister and BIL split up 2 years before the wedding. Your version makes it sound much closer to the event.

Will people read the fucking thread

Doesn't matter if it's two years before her ex moved on to other ow and got married in time and is forced to social with this woman. I wouldn't be happy either and I would be deeply hurt by my sister.

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day

So either don't attend, or do attend but have as little to do with the proceedings as possible - just be there unobtrusively. No need to go to the Hen do or any other aspect of it. You aren't under obligation to.

Im convinced there'd be less anxiety and depression out there if people learned to or got advice/help regarding letting go of family "bonds" that cause them distress and unhappiness. Life is too short for all that. Not saying its easy. But its far better than having people around you that are a torment to you. For what, when all said and done? Your happiness matters as much as anyone elses.

In your shoes I wouldn't attend and would say why. If you can't say it then write. You'd only be there so she can save face anyway. I couldn't be asked with it all. One life to live and its not to accommodate people who are horrible, couldn't care less if relative or not

I'd attend the wedding but certainly not be bm or any starring role.

I do think you have to go (but only because it would be incredibly rude to retract your acceptance just 6 weeks before an even).

"and how we walk up the aisle."

I'm hoping this ^ doesn't mean that you are a bridesmaid, or anything.

Assuming you are just ordinary guests, go and behave like perfectly amicable strangers!

During the more formal proceedings you and your DH should smile a lot, say little, drink just a small amount, sit comfortably out of the limelight (as much as possible), congratulate your sister and her new DH in the 'line-up' as if you were congratulating someone you were going to be utterly lovely to, but don't know!
During the less formal part of the proceedings concentrate on mingling with family and friends that you really do want to catch up with, but ... other than that ... smile a lot, say little, drink just a small amount, sit comfortably out of the limelight and congratulate your sister and her new DH (each time you bump in to them) as if you were congratulating someone you were going to be utterly lovely to, but don't know!
Leave fashionably early, knowing you have been the perfect guest!

I also think it was quite selfish to let the BIL bring the OW. You seem to trivialise the betrayal and hurt to your sister OP, while at the same time blowing up out of proportion what she did to you.

I think you're actually being quite harsh on your sister.

Everyone needs to suck everything up. You either forgive each other or you don't. If you forgive, you actually forgive and move on. If you don't forgive, don't hang out and pretend. It's exhausting and pointless. But don't expect to keep the moral high-ground.

This has already presumably been going on for about 4 years at least. Then if you either don't attend or say somethings, that's at least another three. Almost a decade of this because of some nobber who couldn't keep it in his pants? Who I assume is blissfully happy and unaware.

Honestly everyone involved should go and volunteer somewhere with people with actual problems (I exclude your anxiety from this because that is an actual problem and I don't envy you that).

The sad thing is if she had not invited ow this may have all be avoided there's a lot of resentment on both sides and I think you've both been equally stubborn and wrong.

Do you have access to her dress before the wedding? Can you rub a bit of smelly cheese or prawn into the inside of the shoulder, just a little- just so she spends the day thinking 'something SMELLS! Something smells cheesy/fishy... this is driving me mad... where is it coming from?' It won't be obvious to anyone else or affect the day for anyone but her but will give you a little bit of comfort perhaps.

If you feel more than that is needed do see the Sylvanians Wedding Reception thread for ideas on how to plunge her into a hell she could never possibly have imagined.

I'm genuinely curious - do people really not think that OP has done anything wrong here?

The 'OW' was by then married to her BIL to be, how could she not be invited???!!!

The 'OW' was by then married to her BIL to be, how could she not be invited???!!!

Well my mum's OW is married to my father, and she most certainly won't be coming anywhere near my wedding.

I do think it was a very long time ago and you've been through a period of NC so you should be over it now really. It sounds like you both have things to get over, she was hurt because your DH's brother cheated on her, you were upset because she ruined your wedding day.

Surely you could both just move on, though you can back out of any responsibility as it's clearly causing you anxiety. That's perfectly reasonable.

Today 15:05 TalkinBoutNuthin

The 'OW' was by then married to her BIL to be, how could she not be invited???!!!

Well considering it was her sister who was originally with BIL that it is a pretty fair condition to make because family should come first and the sister should not have been made to feel uncomfortable because of vile actions and ow.

I'm genuinely curious - do people really not think that OP has done anything wrong here?

There's a few of us who think op didn't handle the situation very well and could have easily prevented drama by not inviting ow.