She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

Genuine question- in what way was she forced to apologise? What brought about this apology?

Sometimes, you have to walk away from a toxic family.

Don't go to the wedding.

@Sequence, I expect the family were completely exhausted with the feud and banged their heads together as it were.

Only you know what your family are like, OP. Is there anyone sensible whose advice you could ask for? We don't know them so we can only go by what you've told us.

I think it depends entirely on your current relationship with your sister and what you want for the future. If you feel you can go as a guest and just sit there quietly without making yourself ill or sacrificing much of yourself, then obviously that sounds like the ideal option. But if that's the case I wonder why you felt you needed to even write this post.
If you are happy to keep your relationship with your sister at arms length, then I don't think you should feel you need to be the bigger person. I understand you don't want to upset your parents, but given how your sister behaved (and they didn't seem to do much about) I think that is of secondary importance.
Think of yourself. If you don't want to go to all the wedding stuff, it's making you anxious, you don't really like your sister anyway, then listen to what your heart is telling you you want and need.

YANBU. 100% dead-honest, next time she starts going on I would look her square in the eye and say "I don't care about your wedding" before letting her know I would not be in attendance.

Go, be gracious. Your wedding day is NOT "the best day of my life" I am happy to say. It is ONE of them. God willing, you will have many more celebrations.

Your sister acted badly. She is selfish and immature. Should you follow this? Wouldn't that be embarrassing? Family (unless abusive) should be forgiven their imperfections as best as possible bc in the end, family is there for us and hopefully forgiving of us.
If nothing else, think about your parents and how badly they will feel if BOTH daughters are selfish, self-centered embarassments.

And this is why I sometimes feel like marriage is a flipping joke (for some people). Your wedding was a big party to celebrate your marriage - it is your marriage that was supposed to be important, surely? All this perfect day/special day crap piles way too much significance on a bloody party,, I'm amazed anyone manages to enjoy it with all that pressure attached, mardy sister or no mardy sister. It was a bloody party! You seriously developed anxiety (as in the medical condition, panic attacks etc) as a direct result of the fact your silly sister spoilt your party by sulking? It's not like she ran your BIL through with the cake knife at the dinner then wiped the blade clean on your veil, is it?

Seriously. Sounds like she's just as bonkers as you about this wedding business however, so by all means go to here and frown through the speeches. She'll probably have a nervous breakdown and you'll finally have your revenge!!!1!!? [cue insane villainous laughter]

Sadly if you pull out of the wedding 6 weeks before the event you WILL be cast in the bitch role. I can only suggest you tell your parents how you feel( if they are paying for wedding/ bridesmaids dresses etc) they will be pissed at you rather than sympathetic if you dont. If face to face is too hard with her..is there a mutual neutal mediator who can intervene? If she has moved on from her distress to be ready for marriage to someone else- .she has moved on enough to really apologise. However..if you have hung on to that pain for all this time it will keep on hurting you until you choose to let it go or draw a line under it. It sounds as if she feels she's done and moved on and thinks you have too..but you havent.
I'm not defending or attacking either of you. She must have thought you were all ok with everything to ask you to be a bridesmaid.
Why not start by telling her you thought it was all done, but the stress of the wedding has brought it all back. You might suggest she pick another bridesmaid as you'd hate to let her down on the day because you know how much it would hurt her, on a Brides special day.
A wedding is as special as you remember..if you dwell on her poor behaviour only .it will always hurt you. If you concentrate on the lovely things..her role will diminish. You are still allowing something that happened hurt you still. Please try and find a way to release yourself from the trapped events that distress you. If you still feel unable to attend, be honest and tell her.look at the joy you have in your partner as a result of that wedding day...tot up the positives and let them nourish you...yes, what she did was rubbish...but dont let her behaviour define your happiness.
Dont rake over each thing moment by moment reliving it at your meeting. Keep things neutral then if you want to discretely withdraw you can.

Good plan op - but be prepared for people to bring it up with you when you are there!

YANBU. Your previous experience around your own wedding was so difficult that PTSD signs could be a normal consequence.

Seriously, your sister is unlikely to change - there's a pattern here. She sounds as though she has a narcissistic approach to life / other people and advice from experts like Melanie Tonia Evans is to have No Contact. It is typical that she has no remorse, nor empathy. Unless boundaries are established she will continue to dictate and control.

I speak from personal experience with my own sister in a similar very upsetting wedding situation.

Please trust yourself, listen to your intuition and do what is right for you. Take care of yourself.

Best wishes.

You've been married "a few years", you and your sister didn't speak for 3 years etc - do you not think it's about time you got over it? I am married 27 years and I don't think I would even have noticed someone sitting there with a 'face' on!! Your sister behaved badly but it's over and done with. I can't stand people who carry grudges.

It can't have been easy for your sister to go to your wedding, but she went. I think the one of you is as bad as the other. Move on.

But I wouldn't have invited my brother in law to my wedding in the first place if he'd cheated on my sister and expect her to sit there and see him. I can understand why she was so hurt by your actions.

There's always a back story to these wedding stories. My wedding preparations were overshadowed by what was going on in my DSis's life though I didn't know it at the time. When I was going wedding dress shopping with my DM and DSis the 2 of them had a massive row which ruined my day. She was ultra cynical about marriage and didn't like me being lovey dovey with my OH.

As I've said, it turned out that she was in an abusive marriage, and I then got over any upset over her being less than enthusiastic.

Everyone has their reasons. Your DS was hurting because her DP cheated and you married her brother. Yes she was OTT, but it obviously hurt her more than you realised.

If I were you I would take her to lunch and tell her...
Tell her how you felt so crushed about her behaviour surrounding your wedding
Tell her to think about how she would feel (now she is getting married) if you acted in the same way
Tell her that she is your sister and you love her and that you would never tamale her feel this way but that it brings back feelings of anger and sadness
This could actually be such a positive, emotionally bonding occasion for you both but first if all you need a chance to get it all off your chest
Good luck
And don't miss your sisters wedding, you'll regret that for the rest of your life
X

I think your DSIS was a drama queen
You married her ex boyfriends brother and she was an idiot and ruined your wedding
Just go to the wedding , wear what you want , walk along the aisle doing the bloody conga if you want ( you're not the bridesmaid are you ?)
And go home when you want

Aww I feel sorry for you, she ruined what was meant to be a happy time for you and spoiled it with her attitude, it's easier said than done to just be the bigger person or to forgive and forget. I don't really have any advice I just hope that you can get through the day without sadness and anxiety. 'To be angry with somebody is like drinking poison, but expecting the other person to die' this quote helps me hope you find it useful too.

I personally wouldn't attend.
Then you aren't tempted to do anything you may /may not regret
Just tell her too many bad memories are associated with weddings after what she did

^^ This

Hully gully, I went to the toilets to escape the bouquet throwing/catching at my db wedding bc of painful breakup a year before. I didn't want another serious relationship and i was superstitious. My first date with dh was 7 days later! (He asked me for that day but I had a wedding to attend)
I think that the sister meant that she was going to try to cry in private.
Can OP go out with sister and have a glass of wine and clear the air without coming to blows? Everyone seems to be in a happy place now.

Contrary to what everyone else on here says I think you are being unreasonable.

You seem to lack a degree of empathy for your sister. Clearly she was hurt by her past relationship and that's entirely understandable. I don't honestly see how you wouldn't show a degree of empathy towards your own sister to understand that she would find that situation very difficult which in turn would make her act that way.

I also think you are being very immature. You need to move on and show your sister a bit of human kindness and stop trying to score points.

From what you've said here, I feel sorry for your sister to be honest.

Most of the time, when someone's partner cheats on them, their close friends and family vilify the cheating partner. They are never expected to socialise with them again, and they have the full support of their friends.

In your sister's case, you married the brother of her cheating ex, and by the sounds of it, fully welcomed the OW into your social circle. I can understand that you can't exactly cut her out of your life, but it doesn't sound from your posts as if you had much sympathy or consideration towards how hard it would be for your sister to attend an event in which the OW was invited and included very much as 'part of the family.'

You haven't actually said what your sister did wrong, other than to be miserable at the day, and whilst I don't think that's mature or appropriate behaviour, it's also somewhat understandable in the circumstances - particularly if you didn't make a big effort to make her feel loved and cared for, and appreciated what she was going through.

And despite your lack of sympathy for your sister, her behaviour apparently ruined your day and you've still not forgiven her years later? Even though you expected her just to 'get over' her ex cheating on her and remarrying within 2 years?

I think you sound fairly nasty actually.

@elessar

Was the groom's brother not supposed to attend the wedding?

Was the op supposed to cancel the wedding and split up with the groom just because his brother was a shithead to her sister?

We can't help who we love, but that doesn't mean that when it all goes tits up, you spoil it for everyone else. A wedding is not something you do every year like a birthday, for some people, it's a once in a lifetime event and when it's your wedding day, you want it all to be perfect.

When the op got married, the sister should've either made the effort to be happy for the bride, or bowed out of proceedings and left it alone, and in this case, I think the op now has to make the same decision. Suck it up and go with the flow or bow out and walk away.

Personally, I'd walk away. My wedding was ruined by everyone who shouldn't have ruined it, including my stepdaughter, so when it came to her getting married she had a choice of inviting us, or inviting certain other family members.

She made the choice to invite others, and that was fine by us. It made it easier to walk away from toxic people. And we are still married over twenty years later. (Which no one expected).

Just because it's family, doesn't mean you have to side with them.

To thine own self be true. Go to the wedding wear something you love but don't upstage the bride; be the bigger person but don't overly engage. If it gets too much leave quietly after the meal. If you really can't do that don't go.

I would either cancel at the last minute and leave her in the shit....

...or 'unintentionally' get absolutely fucking mortal on wine and vodka, make a complete circus and throw up everywhere

I agree with elessar. Obviously, OP had to invite the cheating ex as he was the groom's brother but they could have at asked the BIL not to bring the OW. It doesn't sound as if the OP had much sympathy for her sister over the situation and just expected her to suck it up. I don't think that looking miserable at the OPs wedding was a huge crime under the circumstances.

I think you should go. I think you should swallow your hurt, take moral high ground, and selflessly behave like a good sister would cos YOU are a good sister. You could decline bridesmaid/matron of honour. No need to explain NSDN will know why.
That robs her of the opportunity to create, makes you feel good and helps your parents.
Good luck.