She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

If she's getting married in 6 weeks I presume the Hen is already over.

Do you have any duties other than turning up?

YANBU.

I take it your parents didn't tell her to STFU when she was playing up around your wedding?

I wouldn't go and I'd tell her exactly why and I'd be prepared for the fall out and fuck the lot of them but my family are incredibly dysfunctional and I'm used to this kind of palaver.

You have to decide what you can live with.

Where does it say OP is a bridesmaid?

Why else would she be making demands about what to wear and how to walk up the aisle? Do ordinary guests normally walk up the aisle? Maybe I haven't been to enough weddings...

OP, I don't know if you should go or not. But if you do, don't get all passive aggressive about it like some posters have suggested, letting yourself look bored or making a scene of any kind. If you decide to go, own the decision and go with a smile and don't do anything to spoil it. If you can't or don't want to do that (and I wouldn't blame you), then just stay home.

I've got a lot of sympathy with you but you won't keep people's sympathy if you go and make a scene of any kind. It just won't work out well for anyone, including you. Go properly, or don't go at all.

I'm not excusing her ruining your wedding OP but many years I went out with a friend of my housemate's and when he dumped me (with an erroneous and bizarre attack on my character) my flatmate and friend continued to socialise with him, and worse, without offering up any reassurance that she was conflicted or anything. I felt like everybody wanted to tipp-ex me out of existence, even my friend. The pain was indescribable and nothing I've been through since has compared, and what compounded the pain was that my friends were clearly on my side. That was just awful.

So awful I ended up in an abusive relationship and had two kids. So I hope that the man your sister is marrying isn't a reflection of the low self worth that experience could have left her with.

I think it must have been very hard for your dsis to attend you wedding with her ex and the OW and while she behaved very badly I would just let it be water under the bridge now. Your day was about marrying your husband and whether you enjoyed yourself, I find it dramatic that your sister being miserable ruined the whole day.

I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result

Your sister doesn't sound great, by any means.

However, you are rather vague as to the particulars of what she actually did. So it's hard to see from what you describe, how her behaviour was so extreme that it caused you on going anxiety problems.

You both sound like incredibly dramatic people. You've cried every day because your sister was stroppy at your wedding? Am I missing something here?

She knows you have anxiety so use that in your favour. Tell her that you are happy to attend but because of anxiety you would like to be low key as you wouldn't want to cause any distraction on her big day.

Turn up with a smile on your face and say nice things. However, have an escape plan so if it all gets too much you can slip away or disappear for a bit. If anyone questions what you are doing just say you aren't feeling well but don't want a fuss as it is not your day.

Yes I can see it could be difficult for her to sit at your wedding near to a man that cheated on her and hurt her. However as he was close to the groom there wasn't much you could do.

I'm genuinely puzzled by people who say go. OP is upset now and worried things will go wrong at the wedding. She's already stressed out at the very thought of it. Why on earth would she go. I just don't get it.

It's tricky.

Did you tell your family or her how she was making you feel on the run up to your wedding or did you seeth quietly?

No one can really ruin a wedding by just looking sad or crying in the toilets can they? Surprised anyone noticed to be honest.

If dye screamed at her ex during the vows I could get it but really she was dumped and it must have been hard on her. She probably didn't want to go but felt pressured into by your family?

Look past is past. Either go with good grace but tell her stop the bridezilla or plead ill health on the day.

Then put it in the past.

I was thinking that Honey
Its a brace of drama llamas!

Viviennemary
The options aren't either
a)go to wedding and be stressed or
b)not got to wedding and not be stressed.

I strongly suspect the options are
a) go to wedding and try to minimise your stress; or
b) not go to wedding and have to deal with the family fallout

Its a question of what is the least worst option. I doubt the OP's family will accept her non-attendance without a fuss.

I can see why she would have really struggled at your wedding, the OW is now part of your family by marriage that must kill her inside, she can't leave it in the past it will be there at family functions. I would speak to her though and explain how much her emotional pain became such horrible behaviour that she made you suffer for what your BIL did and explain how you truly feel robbed of the run up experiences. See how that goes.

YANBU to think like this. In terms of what to do next, I'd go with whatever will cause you least upset and bother. Do you think you'd suffer more from going and biting your tongue, or refusing to go entirely? Do what's best for you. Fuck principles and etiquette, unless sticking to them will be helpful to you.

Yes, I also thought that while OP had a right to be angry and upset, crying daily and developing panic attacks and still having anxiety after nigh on five years seemed....excessive.

With that in consideration, I don't think you're capable of going graciously OP, so perhaps it's best you don't.

Is it too late to get knocked up and announce it halfway through the vows?

Seriously though, be the bigger person here. Wear something suitable. Plaster on a smile and make your excuses to leave early at the evening do. Skip any of the extras such as the hen. There's no obligation for you to be there.

Why did she go in the toilets? It's all very confusing.

I wouldn't worry about any of it. Weddings are horribly overrated.

3 years of not talking over this - Christ it's all a bit dramatic isn't it. She didn't attend your engagement do or your hen party and she was a pain in the arse in the run up and sat with a mopey face during your wedding. I've yet to be at a wedding where there wasn't some kind of years, strop, faces like thunder- most people shrug, have a row, roll their eyes, not still be stewing on it.

Our of nosiness what was the timescale between your sister discovering your husband's brother was cheating on her and your wedding?

So just to clarify a few things...

1. She didnt attend my engagement as BIL and his wife were there.

1. She didn't attend my hen because she didn't want to come.

1. My husband is my +1, for obvious reasons BIL and his wife are NOT invited.

1. She felt so bitter towards BIL and his (now) wife because of how the situation happened. He cheated on her this was about 2 years before our wedding. A lot of people said why is she still so bitter about it and that she needs to get over it. Which I totally agree.

1. She said some nasty stuff about my DH (even though she never had an issue with him until she found out we were together), like he is a pervert and takes drugs. (he is not a pervert ( he chatted up one of her mates years ago at a wedding) and he 'experimented' during uni and certainly does not take drugs now! Oh... she said this all to my parents. And has never apologised to him.

Even my DH totally agrees with everything I have said and feels the same way as I do, he says we will just have to grin and bear it.

It does seem very excessive to have 3 years of no contact because your sister didn't react well to being cheated on and then being forced to attend the same event as the cheater and OW. Was OW invited to the Hen and engagement party?

Sorry xpost. How long was she with your BIL? Was it a serious relationship i.e. living together/ kids?

It really is very confusing. Is everyone related?