She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle.

If you go just as a guest then she doesn't get any say in this. You have my sympathies, I had almost exactly the same situation except my sister got married before I did.

I think I may be unreasonable - but I was going to suggest take DH's brothers wife as your +1 to her wedding!

I'd go enjoy and yourself at her expense, be her biggest guest supporter on her day. Family and friends who were at your wedding and remember her behaviour will see you as the better person and it will make her look bad.
Just don't be sucked into any of the planning or preparations, go as a normal guest and have a day of partying.
If you do what NSDS did she'll say to everyone what a bitch you are and if anything goes wrong you'll get the blame even if you're not there.
It's the worst thing you can do to her and if she's got any form of empathy in her she'll feel guilty towards you.
Good luck with your decision x

Hen do - can't attend because of migraine

Bridesmaid - can't do, I'm on medication and I'm gaining weight. Wouldn't want it to cause a problems with dress etc... new meds causing migraines.

Wedding - turn up. Be very friendly and loud congratulations to everyone about how wonderful your DS's is/dress/service/new husband etc...

Leave early (those darn migraines).

I would go but as a guest only. Don't involve yourself in any preparation and be clear that you aren't going to get involved in anything other than attending the wedding. Be clear that you aren't being mean but you are just looking after your health. If this isn't accepted just walk away altogether.

She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear

A bride tells the bridesmaids what to wear - that's standard isn't it

I'd go but not get involved in any extras like hen dos etc.

Rubies Op doesn't say she is a bridesmaid.

I wouldn't go. By the sounds of her she isn't going to understand or care about what she did to you, so i wouldn't even bother bringing it up with her. I'd just politely decline, not say anything other than i wasn't going.

She acted like a twat by moping about with a face on but then you both fell out and didn't speak for 3 years? That's some epic grudge holding by either one or both of you.

I think you should take the drama out of this relationship and just go to the wedding and be pleasant.

For the sake of the family, I would go to the wedding but not be part of the wedding party. If she asks, I would explain why. I wouldn't get involved in the hen do though, and I wouldn't take much interest in the wedding planning.

If you still feel this bad after all this time then don't go. Because if you do go all the resentment might boil up and another day spoilt. And not just the bride but guests and other family too. Don't go. Just bow out and say you don't want to be involved. Under the circumstances you are perfectly entitled to do this.

NoName don't put your sister's and parents' feelings before yours. That way madness lies - literally!

I fell out with my sister years ago over her behaviour and when I received an invitation to her wedding declined it. This was followed by an apology - which was clearly motivated by her need for the "perfect" wedding - and a request to reconsider my response. I felt so much pressure re spoiling her day or upsetting my parents that I went and the effect on my mental health has been catastrophic. I suffer from anxiety and was in crisis for some months afterwards. The damage I did to myself in saving everyone else's feelings (when they had totally disregarded mine) was huge.

Lots of people will suggest "doing the right thing" or "taking the moral high ground". I once read on here that the moral high ground doesn't exist, it's invented by cheeky fuckers to keep their victims from complaining or sticking up for themselves.

I would suggest that you put yourself first and do what is right for you - not your parents or sister. If that is going, then go, but know that not attending as an act of self care is entirely acceptable and appropriate. I suspect you're in a lose/lose situation where whatever you do will cause upset for you? Please put yourself first and pick the least worst option for you

I'd refuse to be any official part of the wedding but I'd go as a guest and fake a smile so you look the bigger person not her. And if she creates drama, say quietly and calmly that even attending is a very big ask for you after she ruined your big day. Go on your terms, and not hers.

FWIW it's my mums 70th birthday next week and my sister (we are NC) is kicking off and making drama that I've completely refused to engage in. She won't come to the big meal out we've planned and that's her choice but the day won't be about her for once if it bloody kills me.
It's not easy .

You do realise if you go OP you will likely end up more resentful?

When did the ex cheat on her? Was it around the time of your wedding? To be honest, I'm not really sure what she did? Was it just being miserable or was she also very demanding, etc? I can imagine it being really difficult attending your DS wedding when your ex (who cheated) is part of the wedding party to be honest.

You should totally go and Wear white, then after the speeches stand up and announce you are pregnant 😂. Don't actually do this but have loads of fun just imagining it!

I would say to her in a quiet moment that you envy her...... that for her wedding you're not tearing her in two. Give her the chance to apologise. I would raise it, tell her it isn't fair (and it isn't) and see what she says.

Agree to skip the hen night and any other demands.

I don't get these people who suggest you shouldn't go. That's really going to help this relationship going forward, isn't it.

I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. - OP knows not attending isn't an option. Just bite your lip and be the bigger person.

Of course you need to go. And get massively drunk, make a scene and spill red wine down her wedding dress. Then report back here.

It will be a lot more hassle to pull out now than to continue. And you will be seen as the unreasonable one in the family. You'll never hear the end of it.

I'd put my big girl pants on, grit your teeth, be the bigger person, step back and disengage with her nonsense, and rise above the whole thing. Turn up, smile, then bugger off.

Did BIL's new wife go to your Hen? Just wondering why your sister avoided it.

I think I may be unreasonable - but I was going to suggest take DH's brothers wife as your +1 to her wedding!

Hmm, that is a bit harsh. Yes, she sounds like she behaved appallingly and is very self-centred, but she was obviously going through a horrible time, yet expected to be happy and smiley and presumably participate in the bridal party together with her ex who had recently cheated on her. It might have been better to have accepted at the time that she wasn't going to be able to fully participate because it was too painful for her.

She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear

A bride tells the bridesmaids what to wear - that's standard isn't it

Where does it say OP is a bridesmaid?

OP if you're not a bridesmaid, she has no right to dictate what you wear. As for 'how you walk down the aisle', perhaps the goose step?

Id go, but have no contact with her on the run up, ignore any requests for special outfits or demands to know what you're wearing. Decline the hen do (say you can't afford it, or be really honest and say you think you don't get on well enough!). Be aloof at the wedding - spend time with relatives you like, avoid her. Job done, you haven't caused an upset, but you haven't had the stress of interacting with her.. If your mum or other family try and get you more involved (perhaps because she's said something) tell them you're finding her really hard work, and it is either you come, smile sweetly but don't get involved in the drama, or you don't go.