She made my wedding hell, now it's her wedding...

[NoNameNoGame]

So a few years ago I got married and my (Not So Darling) Sister literally made me feel like crap during the run up to my wedding and on my actual wedding day.

Reason being that DH's brother was her ex and cheated on her and is now married to this girl with kids. My NSDS would say stuff like I don't care about your wedding, your loyalty should like with me, I can't help it if I need to cry at your wedding and will go in the toilets. She never attended my engagement or my hen. She sat there on my wedding day with a face on her, to the point where people were commenting as to why she looks so miserable.

We didn't talk for about 3 years until 1.5 years ago she apologised (she was forced to) and it was very half hearted. Things are around 80% normal now.

She is getting married in 6 weeks, and all she seems to go on is about her wedding and how she is doing this and having that... Now I'm not a nasty person and would never wish anybody to have an awful wedding no matter what the situation was, I would keep my thoughts to myself and wish them nothing but the best on the best day of their life. But half of me feels so upset that I was robbed of enjoying the run up to the wedding and the actual day itself. I used to literally cry everyday and have panic attacks and have developed anxiety as a result. She is now making all these demand of outfits we should wear, and how we walk up the aisle. And all I can think about is how she ruined my perfect day and has no shame or remorse about what she said and did to me.

If I say anything it could trigger another huge argument and make my anxiety even worse. Plus I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding day and also make myself look like a fool. There have been times I have had to bite my tongue from making remarks. I am really dreading the wedding.

AIBU to think like this?...

Talk about self-absorbed drama llamas! You both sound like a pair.

Do you take anything for your anxiety OP? It might be worth getting some diazepam or similar from your GP to have just in case you get overwhelmed. Jus having it in your handbag helps, I find.

Also come up with a safe word/sentence to use with your DH if you need to get out of there and don't want to cause drama by saying so. Ours was something along the lines of "don't forget we need to fill the car up on the way home". It could be anything but make sure you have a safety net.

But she does sound extraordinarily bitter, if the split with your BiL was two years before your wedding

But so does the OP- not speaking to her sister for two years and several years later, still hung up on how her perfect day was ruined. Surely it's tit for tat? It sounds like both the OP and sister are fairly self-centred and rigid in their thinking. The OP is very quick to say that her sister should have 'got over it' with regards to having to see her ex and the OW at the wedding, but defends her own actions with regards the sister's wedding even though the time-gap has been longer and the level of hurt lesser.

I know someone whose husband of 20 years cheated on her and she found out that their entire marriage was a lie. She is still not over it 15 years later. It can take a very long time for people to recover from that level of betrayal by the person they thought they knew better than anyone else.

Yes, do it your way.

I went to a wedding I didn't fancy going to because of some of the people there. I didn't drink and zeroed in on the people I liked and basically spent the day with them. Didn't dance much as didn't want to turn around on the dancefloor and discover I was trapped into bopping along with the people I was uncomfortable with. And I went home at midnight, like Cinderella. It was fine in the end.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Let her think you're going along with her requests for X dress code/colour....then turn up in what YOU want to wear.
You can give her a dose of her own medicine, she deserves it.

I feel for you - I had DH's "best man" and his wife ruin my day for me (DH has forgiven but I defo have not and will not all the while there has been no apology; except they are so oblivious to how selfish they were I don't ever expect to get one - which is fine, I don't feel the need to talk to them or ever see them again so it's cool).

I personally wouldn't go to the wedding. If you make the slightest mistake in your DS's eyes then it will ALL be on you - she sounds like a total drama queen and I think it would make your anxiety worse (I suffer depression and anxiety myself and don't ever go to places or situations I know would trigger a panic attack; prevention is better than cure).

Just say point blank, she ruined yours and it still hurts (and YANBU to think this) you don't feel like celebrating with her so will bow out but wish her the best day ever. Then don't get drawn into any more convo about it, you've said your piece, end of!

You should tell her beforehand though because people not turning up to a wedding when you are planning for them to is really bad too. xx

I do have anxiety (hell, I'm a MNer, it's practically a requirement for being on here), diagnosed, medicated, CBT-ed, signed off at one point, the works. I do understand how it works. But I still think that crying every day, having panic attacks and still being anxious over a stroppy sister at your wedding five years after it happens is excessive.

Good to hear you're going though. Be gracious.

I think you should go, but just not get involved in any of the preparations or as MOH. If you're pressed about why, just say it's bringing back bad memories of how she treated you and you don't want to end up ruining her day as a result.

I know now that my wedding was really hard for my DSis, as her now each was being violent to her, which none of us knew at the time, though she certainly gave indications of it which I didn't pick up on. I feel awful about it as she put so much into making it a special day for me. (I can't watch the video now, as the camera is focused on that man's ugly mug when DH and I are taking our vows.)

Hope it works out. I think you should sound out your DM maybe, or another family member? It's very hard for us to know how to advise as we don't know enough to help really. But you should not do anything that will add to your anxiety.

It's not clear to me how she made your wedding hell. It would have been nice if she had been able to overlook the fact that her cheating ex was at your wedding but it doesn't seem that much of a crime to avoid your engagement and to not be overjoyed at your wedding if he was there.
Whilst she obviously went over the top in expressing her upset over her ex being at your wedding I think your reaction is equally over the top, if not more so.

You're not. But thinking it and acting on it (at this late stage) is another thing.

I think you'll cause yourself way more stress by ducking out. And two wrongs etc.

You can be busy / change the subject / tune out when she's blahing on. You can decide if there are things that you do not want to do on the day and not do them - or do them your way. Just say you forgot / anxiety got to you if it's noticed. Or be a real monkey and set out to have loads of fun and be the star of the party and reclaim some of the joy that she took away from you.

She didnt congratulate you or do a merry dance about your Wedding, and Yes she didn't There's no law saying she had to give a shit, but Why should you congratulate her.
However let's not forget. Her dh cheats on her. That's going to destroy her confidence. Everyone's fussing over you. Telling you your gorgeous ect etc. You're loved. She feels hated, hence the cheating.
She was obviously feeling a bit melhoncoly, inferior and very jealous.
Its only natural.

It will cause more trouble by not going just have a fab day at her expense and rise above her family's are a nightmare! My wedding day and run up to it was tainted with the behaviour of my family being asked by my mum to postpone it 2 days before was the last straw and wondering if any of them would turn up!

If I were you I wouldn't attend, just send a curt but polite RSVP stating that, no reasons, no excuses and certainly no apologies.

If she asks why just go on repeating the original statement ad infinitum.

You and your sister sound as bad as each other, to be honest. You are both hugely overreacting to everything and both being bitter and jealous of one another.

I have clinical anxiety myself. The symptoms of anxiety are not the same as being a drama queen.

Would you have accepted it if she said she wasn't going to attend your wedding? Or would that have ruined your perfect day too?

I would go with the intention of upstaging the bride. I would dress in white and photobomb at every chance. I would also make an unannounced speech, explaining how happy you are for your sister especially ad your own wedding was so difficult for her. But then I am a bitch when crossed.

Not in RL guessing you wouldn't be so cruel.

Op already said a while ago she was going with good grace so read the updates people

You should bow out of being a bridesmaid but go to the wedding. You should stop blaming your sister for your anxiety. She behaved badly a long time ago and that is not the reason you are still holding on to the feelings so strongly. The reason is your anxiety which she did not cause.

shes going to the wedding rtft

I feel sorry for the sister tbh.

If it were me I would go for the sake of keeping the peace and for your parents but like someone else on here has said I would'nt go out of my way to make a huge effort or curtail to any demands that she makes. She's lucky that you are speaking to her at all by the sounds of it.

Your Sister is very lucky to still have you and your DH in her life the way she behaved towards you both and talked about your DH is unforgivable and your being a far bigger person than I would have been in the same circumstances.

Don't stoop to her level by doing anything really bitchy. You will regret it.

Take the high ground and attend, but don't agree to be a bridesmaid if she's going to make your life hell (again).That way, you'll avoid any major anxiety and can show her (and everyone else) that you have better manners.

I think your sister reacted to the situation because you didn't support her after her bf left her for another woman. I'm not suprised she didn't attend the engagement do or hen and yet she was forced to watch them at your own wedding. If that had been my sister I would have made of point and supporting her and not invited the ow to these events due to the situation and solely invited my dp brother. End of the day blood is thicker than water. I think you under estimated the level of hurt she suffered and pretty much had her nose rubbed in it throughout the day which is why she was so miserable. Where I'm from family stick together. I agree you should go to the wedding and support your sister.

I'm obviously alone in this but personally I think it was a bit crap of you to start a relationship with a man who was so closely related to the bloke who treated her like shit. It's not particularly loyal is it.