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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to ask smoker in car park to move?

207 replies

TempusEejit · 21/08/2017 11:20

Late last night I had a burst water pipe but the emergency plumber can't get here till late this afternoon. I therefore went to the supermarket this morning to stock up on 2ltr bottles of water so I can wash my hands, flush the loo etc.

As I went back to my car there were two women having a chat by the boot of the car parked next to mine. As I got closer I saw that the woman closest to my car was smoking. By the time I'd opened my boot I realised the wind was blowing the smoke in my direction. As I started to unpack there was no indication that the women would be moving any time soon so I gave them an apologetic smile and said "so sorry, but would you mind standing over there (indicating towards the other side of their car) as I have bad asthma and am very sensitive to cigarette smoke?" plus I don't want my hair to fucking stink

She scowled, looked at her cigarette and said, "What, you can smell this thing?" I said yes I can. She said incredulously, "What, this?" I explained again that I have asthma and smoke can trigger it off, that I had to stand where I was standing to load my car and as I had a lot of heavy bottles it's taking me longer to unpack than usual (they weren't individually bagged up). The woman pointed at my car and growled "you'll be getting more fumes from that, pet" so I replied "maybe, but they don't trigger my asthma." After that the woman scowled again but she and her friend finally moved away whilst muttering under her breath.

I didn't think I was being funny with this woman but the way she reacted to me was like I was the rudest person on earth. If I'd have anticipated she'd stand around to argue I'd have just stood back and waited for them to leave - but then why should two of us have to wait around when one has to (to finish their cigarette) and the other doesn't? Btw I took a puff of my inhaler when I got in the car so all is well but I can still smell the smoke on my hair

Was I being unreasonable in asking the woman to move?

WIBU to ask smoker in car park to move?
OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/08/2017 00:06

No harm in asking. I used to smoke but would always consciously move it away from people as I was walking or if people walked by etc. I would have moved if you asked. Although she isn't in the wrong. It to and you shouldn't expect her to or even press the matter.

Your diagram is brilliant though and you seem lovely. I'd just like more pictures please. I could imagine these on cards, love em!

TashaRomanoff · 22/08/2017 00:10

YWBU

nocoolnamesleft · 22/08/2017 01:24

YWNBU - that amount of cigarette exposure would also make me unwell. I think some people don't realise how vulnerable some people's airways are to these noxious poisons. Behaviour like this from smokers merely encourages the likelihood of working to completely ban smoking. So are very counterproductive for them. And, frankly, the sooner the better.

OkPedro · 22/08/2017 01:43

What is TOTM please??

Original poster
TempusEejit · 22/08/2017 01:51

OkPedro TOTM = time of the month, which incidentally is why I'm awake at this ungodly hour due to menstrual cramps and crap painkillers!

OP posts:
Original poster
TempusEejit · 22/08/2017 01:55

Just to say thanks for the many lovely comments on my diagram skills, the hair loss tips and that I sound nice Smile

See this is the thing that's confused me, I do like to think that I'm an OK person overall and I always try my best to be kind and considerate. I'm crap at confrontation and if anything I veer towards doormat tendencies as I have pretty low self esteem. Therefore if the tables were turned and someone had approached me and asked me apologetically and politely to walk a few steps so that my cigarette didn't cause them discomfort, then the people-pleaser in me wouldn't have thought to question it and if anything I'd have been brooding afterwards that my actions had had a negative impact on someone else (which I appreciate would be OTT of me). So when this situation arose where it was me doing the asking it simply didn't occur to me that I might come across as being brave or entitled or whatever, as in my own head I genuinely wouldn't have had a problem with such a request any more than if someone had said "excuse me" in the supermarket aisle. If I'd have thought I might come across as being rude etc I wouldn't have dared to say anything!

Not being a GF here but what have I missed in this scenario which made it quite so inflammatory to both the smoking lady and to so many on this thread, when all I thought I was doing was making a simple request which was asked, not demanded, with an apologetic smile and tone of voice with reference to my asthma? I can be socially awkward on occasion (seems like this was one of them!) so it's a genuine question.

OP posts:
SomeOtherFuckers · 22/08/2017 02:15

By the time you'd finished arguing you'd probably have finished unpacking...

SprinklesandIcecream · 22/08/2017 02:17

Going against the grain and will say YWNBU. You asked because of a medical condition, so well within your rights. She could have said no, in which case OP, you could have waited elsewhere till she was gone for the benefit of your own health.

If you had demanded she should move, it would be different. But you didn't, you asked politely. Moving a few steps to ease someone really should not be a big deal. Smile

SomeOtherFuckers · 22/08/2017 02:17

And if you're that worked up about it blowing in your face then move your face

FreudianSlurp · 22/08/2017 02:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TempusEejit · 22/08/2017 02:19

SomeOther as I said in my OP and subsequent posts I wasn't expecting her to argue!

OP posts:
Original poster
TempusEejit · 22/08/2017 02:30

Yes I guess that might be the case fruedian ... but then again if I personally was doing something widely known to be polarising then I'd be at pains not to inconvenience anyone else but that's just me and my insecurities and wanting other people's approval, not because it's necessarily the right or wrong thing to do. It's just how I personally view the world through a lens of poor self esteem and I forget that others don't!

Feel free to enjoy my "art" however you want Grin

OP posts:
DeadMorose · 22/08/2017 02:30

Smoker here. YWNBU. If it was me smoking and you would have asked me to move a bit, I would have apologised and would feel crap for causing you discomfort.
I always step away from people when I'm smoking and trying to keep an eye on my surroundings to not accidentally wave my smoke in someone's face.
Always walk few steps away from people when passing them on the footpath and put my fag into other hand if necessary.
Jump 2 meters away when neighbours pass me with their baby daughter.

Stuff like that. And it seems natural to me. I don't understand why this woman started questioning you. Confused It's not like you went "Oi, you! Ashtray! Move away now!" Hmm

Original poster
TempusEejit · 22/08/2017 02:45

Thanks DeadMorose. A bit of a cross post - I don't want to imply that kind considerate people only do it because they are pushovers! Just that I would like to think the best of people and that most people would be happy to be kind to someone else unless it put themselves out a lot.

OP posts:
BlueStockingUK · 22/08/2017 03:02

ERm Yeah !

I don't smoke, don't like smoke smell, not asthmatic, however...

I would have told you to FOOK COUGH !

Bimbop5 · 22/08/2017 03:14

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask. I'm the same if someone came up to me and nicely said I was doing something to impact their health I would have felt awful and moved. I used to smoke, as a teenager, and I would ask at bus stops if they minded I had a cigarette.

I don't understand why people get so angry and want to harm you more. It is really strange to me. Why would you want to hurt another person? I guess she is just angry at the world and feels people demonize her because she smokes. Perhaps, if she was more respectful people wouldn't make her feel that way.

Sorry she didn't understand and got upset instead.

squeekums · 22/08/2017 03:21

I would have laughed at you op, outside, legal activity? Suck it up and move if its such an issue and yes, you could have even with a trolly
Perfumes set my migraines off, i dont ask people to move
Smell of seafood makes me sick, i dont ask people to move or not eat it near me

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2017 03:29

I think you were being perfectly reasonable to ask someone smoking to move away from you, especially as you also gave a reasonable explanation. You Got what you needed, space from cigarette smoke, and they got a story to tell all their friends. Who doesnt like an 'omg guess what happened to me at supermarket today' story? Theyll be dining out on that for weeks!
And finally, the diagram. A thing of beauty.

Ijustwantaquietlife · 22/08/2017 07:54

Outside doesn't mean legal!

But plenty of selfish fuckers smoke in bus shelters, right outside a hospital entrance or in playgrounds even though the property owner has banned it.

I think many smokers think "I'm fucking my body up, I don't care if I bring others down with me"

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/08/2017 07:57

The responses to this thread make me think of the thread a few days ago on what things are shocking now that were normal in the past and what is normal now that will be shocking in the future. I think (hope) this incident is an example of the second category. Just like we collectively express astonishment at the way people smoked in houses, cars, buses, school staff rooms etc in our childhoods, our children (perhaps) and grandchildren (for sure) will look back and be astonished at how tolerant we were of smoking although we knew the risks just because it was outside.

It's a YWNBU from me, OP.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/08/2017 08:01

I think smokers get angry about this sort of thing because they know how disgusting their habit is and attack is the best form of defence. Some of them want to assert the space they have. I had a man refuse, with a very 'why should I?' attitude, my polite request to move away from the bench right next to the children's pool at the local lido which he wasn't sitting at otherwise but which he went to every time he had a cigarette Hmm (no kids to supervise either). He only moved when he saw me speaking to dh about him Hmm Hmm

SoupDragon · 22/08/2017 09:11

The women in the OP are far nicer than some of the people on this thread because they did actually move the short distance required. It didn't really impact on them at all but made the OP's life just a bit easier.

imamouseduh · 22/08/2017 09:25

YAB ridiculous and precious, but you get a point for the diagram.

cinnamontoast · 22/08/2017 09:28

Mumsnet used to be a robust but supportive place. Some of the responses on here (precious?? entitled???) seem to indicate that a Twitter mob mentality has taken root.

As someone once said, you can be anything in life, so why not be kind. (Or words to that effect.) The OP sounds kind - others on here don't.

GhostsToMonsoon · 22/08/2017 09:30

I don't think it's that ridiculous or precious to ask people to move. It's not hard to move a short distance away. I know they were entitled to smoke there as it was outside, so didn't have to move, but it would have been a nice thing to do to help the OP.