Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

[sunnysideup1971]

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

sunny, this is the risk assessment I think other posters are referring to, it is worth going through it yourself to highlight your partner's risky and abusive behaviours because it sounds like he has a few.

Do seek real life support, stay safe and good luck

I've come home and tried to talk to OH about what happened. He told me I'd spoken to him badly and that's what kicked this off.
Op he's shown you what type of man he is, and what he will become.
He's not sorry.
It's your fault he did what he did.
It's your fault he was upset.
It's your fault he was angry...etc
This isn't what a good man says, or even what a remorseful man is like!
If he was even a little bit sorry he wouldn't be blaming you.
He certainly wouldn't be blaming hurting a dog on you.
I know it may hurt you but i dont think you can think about your relationship with your dsd.
She is going to believe whatever lies her ddad tells her.
You need to think about you and your dog.
I'm glad your taking it to the vet, as i said, mine seemed ok.
I hope everything is fine tomorrow!
It's ok to grieve the man you thought your partner was, but please don't think this is just a blip, or that he can change back, he's showing you who he is

If someone dared to hurt my lovely, innocent pup I would find it very difficult to resist killing them with my bare hands. Let alone continue to tolerate their presence.

He has just put you on warning that if he thinks you have spoken to him again badly again he can be violent. If not to the dog then it will be you.

You are in an abusive relationship.

He has verbally abused you.

He has physically abused you.

He has emotionally abuse you, not least by kicking your dog.

Now he is trying to put the blame for his behaviour on you.

This will escalate.

Your DSD is unlikely to believe anything you say. Just tell the chiildren why you are leaving and accept them deciding not to believe you. You could tell them that, if they ever need help or protection, your door will be open and you will believe them. They may not believe it will be necessary now but they will remember if they need it in the future.

Walk away and build a new, safe life without him.

My daughter had the same experience. Bf kicked her dog across the room late one night, she packed a bag there and then and left.
He was very manipulative, I didn't hear all the details until later. Small niggly things, nothing you can say is very wrong, just not right. He reeled her back in again, I was bloody livid at how she could be so silly.
Long short story, she finally saw the light and has completely blocked him now.
My advice? Get out as soon as you can. Good luck.

Please leave him for good and take your dog with you

Sorry, that's disgusting. If my OH purposely hurt our cats there would be no question of staying with him. I have had issues with my temper for a long time, but I have always managed to be restrained around vulnerable beings.
Agree with what PP have said, the dog doesn't have a choice, you do. If you choose to stay, you need to rehome the dog somewhere safe.

20/08/2017 14:54 sunnysideup1971

No kicking the dog was not an accident. I am devastated by it. I'd much rather he'd kicked me across the room!

Oh op... for this to happen, for you to be kicked across the room.. all you gotta do is WAIT.

Get your dog outta there. Get yourself out.

He's mega dangerous, this violence toward a pet is a precursor to extreme violence against you.

If you stay with this person how can you ever feel the same about him or indeed yourself again? This may be a one-off - I doubt it, it rarely is but you will never be able to trust him again. You (and your poor dog) are in an abusive relationship and you need to leave.

As they say on here, get your ducks in a row first and then LTB.

This is the thin end of the wedge OP. My advice would be to leave immediately. You are in an abusive relationship and need to protect yourself and your dog.

He needs to be kicked out the house. Kicking an animal? What a tosser

To answer the first of your two questions OP:
Yes.

To answer the second question:
No.

OP hurting a family per is one of the questions we ask in the police during a risk assessment of any domestic incident. It's a good indicator normally of the perpetrator and their levels of aggresive against those who can't defend themselves. Please look at the link a pp has posted of the assesment and answer the questions honestly to yourself when you are safe and in a quiet place.
Keep yourself safe and let all your family and friends know what you're doing. Look up safety advice if you need to as often when women are leaving is when they are in the most danger.
This is not normal and it's not okay and you and your dog deserve better.
Good luck

*pet

Muster up all your strength and do the right thing now. You won't regret it. You will regret staying. All the best

I understand the arguments, my dh and I have had some horrible rows but I really can't imagine a scenario where either of us would deliberately harm our cats not matter how angry or drunk. It just wouldn't happen.

The fact that he's so indiscriminate in his anger would mean I couldn't respect or trust him, what if you had a child with him?

I have to agree with the others that I don't think you can stay in this relationship.

Please leave.

It will only get worse.

And please don't have a baby with him, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship anyway regardless of the dog incident

I think you already know the answer. Stay safe.