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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

220 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 14:46

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

OP posts:
Mamahanji · 20/08/2017 19:38

If you stay with this man, you need to rehome your dog. That man is a nasty, vicious animal abuser and your poor poor dog does not deserve to be around him, or anyone who allows that to happen.

You know what you need to do.

Lucyandpoppy · 20/08/2017 19:41

Man kicks dog across room.

Sounds like a catch

LTB

(I say that as someone who recently left partner of 7 years who I have a small child with, once you've made the decision to actually go it's easy)

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 19:42

Thank you for all of your messages. I will take my dog to be checked over in the morning. He seems more than ok (if I suspected he wasn't I would take him to the emergency vet).

I've come home and tried to talk to OH about what happened. He told me I'd spoken to him badly and that's what kicked this off. I remember telling him I was tired and needed to go to bed (I'd put the duvet cover and sheet in the wash and we were having to make the bed up late at night) I was grumpy he was making a song and dance and taking too long so I think I said, leave it and I'll do it, probably a bit short but nothing more than that. This is what started it.

He's also said some total lies like I've been trying to turn him against his youngest?? Utter nonsense, apart from why would I do that, their bond is extremely strong and we all get on well together?? It doesn't make se sense.

One of my worries is the damage done by his DD comforting him. He's made out I'm the bad guy. He's confirmed he cried on her shoulder. I wouldn't and couldn't intervene here. Do you think the damage to mine and DSDs relationship will come back from this?

OP posts:
Lucyandpoppy · 20/08/2017 19:44

Can you leave him OP? Do you have somewhere to go? Because I wouldn't hesitate. He's turning this on you - twisting it so its YOUR fault he kicked the dog? He sounds unstable.

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 19:45

Just to reiterate I know the children did NOTHING wrong, I've just reread my post and it comes across as though I'm blaming DSD! I'm really not.

OP posts:
Papafran · 20/08/2017 19:45

I think she would understand if she knew what happened. Generally parents don't cry on their teenage children's shoulders. My guess is that she already knows he is emotionally abusive.

That doesn't make sense as an explanation from him. So you were talking 'bad' to him about making the bed and he kicks your dog? There seems to be a worrying lack of remorse and trying to blame you. Remorse would not make up for what he has done, but it would at least show a modicum of humanity.

IneedaMagnum · 20/08/2017 19:46

Why are you questioning what he did? There is no point. He is an abuser, and blaming you for what he did. It sounds like you are already considering staying with him. Please please please rehome your dog if you do so.

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 19:46

He absolutely believes it's all my fault.

I can't believe my usually kind, loving and supportive partner has turned into a vicious bully.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 20/08/2017 19:49

I think his response really tells you everything you need to know. As far as he is concerned, his being violent is not his fault, it´s yours. Do you know there is no justification for violence? No matter what you said or did, he had to right to kick your dog, to push you. As well as that, he´s trying to add new lies to distract from what he has done and to blame things on you.

This is just the start. He will do this again because he doesn´t take responsibility for his own actions. He will beat you down and make you believe it is your fault. He will kick your dog again, maybe seriously injure him next time, because he doesn´t think it was an inexcusable action.

This event is your warning - you need to get out. Your relationship with his DD is irrelevant, because you shouldn´t be hanging around long enough for it to be an issue.

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 19:49

If I'm honest I was hoping he'd be remorseful but it hasn't happened. It would excuse what he did but as you say it would show he had a trace of decency.

OP posts:
Papafran · 20/08/2017 19:49

We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold

You should think about what/who actually causes the rows? It's easy to think that you 'give as good as you get' when you are in fact being provoked and emotionally abused by someone. Do you have a 'temper' with other people/previous partners or is it just with him? I am just wondering whether he has always tried to twist it so that it looks like it's tit for tat, but is in fact mainly him.

IneedaMagnum · 20/08/2017 19:49

Get out, and grieve for the man you thought he was, and the relationship you thought you had. But get out. Now. Before he has a chance to worm his way back into your heart. And before he kicks the dog again, and pushes you again. If you truly love the dog like you say you do, don't leave the poor animal to live with someone who kicked him.

missmollyhadadolly · 20/08/2017 19:54

It doesn't matter what his children believe now.

Worry about you now. Do you have anyone you can stay with? x

BaDumShh · 20/08/2017 19:54

OP, please stop trying to reason with him. You can't. What you can do it get out and get the fuck away from this awful, abusive man.

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 19:57

No I don't have family close by. I relocated jobs and home to live with him, my friends are too far to commute too.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 20/08/2017 19:58

To be honest, I was going to tell you to leave as soon as I read that he pushed you - that he kicked your dog confirms that a hundred fold. He's abusive, please leave him and don't look back. I know it must be awful after three years together, but if you stay he'll get worse and you'll wish you got out at the first sign of what he's like.

Runninglateeveryday · 20/08/2017 20:01

What an utter cunt. Very unlikely a one off just the start leave him now. If anyone kicked my dog they'd be gone straight away.

Lweji · 20/08/2017 20:02

I can't believe my usually kind, loving and supportive partner has turned into a vicious bully.

The kind part is a front. I think if you analyse carefully your "heated" relationship he is not that kind or loving or supporting.
It seems like something you tell yourself and have convinced yourself of.

Alittlepotofrosie · 20/08/2017 20:04

You know what you need to do.

Poshjock · 20/08/2017 20:07

What papafran says ^ You may actually be manipulated into fighting with him so he can blame you because "you bring out the worst in me"

I don't think it matters about your relationship with DSD now. If he knows you care so much about her opinion of you he will use her more against you. No matter what you do to try to repair your relationship with her he will manipulate her and she will believe him over you because he is her father. One day she may understand about him but that is not up to you.

Tell the truth, tell both DSC (and their mother) that you are leaving him because he kicked the dog and you can't tolerate that. No embellishments, no explanations. In time they will make sense of it - but that time is not likely now. Protect yourself.

redfraggle1973 · 20/08/2017 20:22

Hi I know you have loads of replies but I also wanted to reply. I've been through an extremely volatile marriage, he became abusive to our children and to cut a very long story short I absolutely should have left long long before I actually did. He pushed you, that would be enough for me, but then he kicked your dog.. that's it, over. I'm so sorry to say that this is just a sign of things to come :'(

I am sorry, I know it's awful to hear the cold hard truth, but I can almost predict your future if you stay with him and it isn't pretty. He hasn't really shown any remorse, so for me painful as it is, that would be the end.

Hugs

Gabilan · 20/08/2017 20:32

I relocated jobs and home to live with him, my friends are too far to commute too

You know that's not a coincidence, right? And now you're far away from them and more dependent on the relationship he's shown his true nature.

vikingprincess81 · 20/08/2017 20:35

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/
You might benefit from phoning this line OP. Even if it's just to get some advice. I work with WA closely, and they go above and beyond.
Open 24/7, staffed by women, and might be able to help you figure out what your next move is.
Be safe Flowers

Riverdale32 · 20/08/2017 20:45

Pets look to their owners for protection. Please do not let this awful man near your poor dog again. I feel sick reading this. What sort of person would do that. Awful situation for you. Innocent dog treated like that. Dogs are so trusting and to have that done to them is dispicable.

nowwheredidmyunicorngo · 20/08/2017 20:45

I'm you a few years on. It doesn't get better. I have just left. Wish I'd done it years ago. Poor doggy.

Get rid of your "d" p

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