Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

[sunnysideup1971]

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

Get rid now. Anyone who did that to one of my dogs would be out on his arse.

Im echoing what others have said. Plz get ur dog checked by the vet. Internally could be hurt.

He pushed you.
He kicked your dog.

Either one on it's own would be enough for me to leave.

Your poor dog.
This would be a no brainer for me. 100% leave this piece of shit.

Echo what everyone else says. Get your poor dog checked out by a vet. Report the bastard thug to the RSPCA and the police.Then get your stuff together and get out. This is the start. It will only get worse from now on.

You deserve much better than this. Your dog deserves better than this too.

Research clearly shows that offenders of domestic violence often have a pattern of abuse involving all members of the household – including children and pets.

71 percent of pet-owning women entering women’s shelters reported that their batterer had injured, maimed, killed or threatened family pets for revenge or to psychologically control victims; (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)....this is research from the USA

People who feel the need to control will use all means that work:

Your partner lashed out at an animal who is precious to you, maybe he has form for breaking other things in the house.....they will nearly always be yours.

Your partner needlessly involved his child in comforting him...he placed himself as the victim, made sure she was on board with his deep remorse (Ha ha) and is setting her up to excuse and forgive his behaviour.

This is absolutely the territory of an abuser.

Think you are already minimising it op.

I want to punch him very very hard and if I had been in that room and the evil fucker hurt my dog I would phoned the police, had him removed and called the girls mum to pick them up to ensure their safety I would have contacted the emergency vet and never ever speak to the cunt again

And he's grooming his dd to accept and support his behaviour towards you.

leave, please.
I am sorry for the DC as they have an abusive father. The best thing that you can do for them though is show that this behaviour is not to be tolerated. Somewhere down the line they may need that knowledge.

The dog can't pack it's bags and leave. You can.

Can you just think about that for a minute?

It sounds like he's already been verbally abusive to you before this incident. I can't see what's worth saving here. Cut your losses or live in fear of upsetting him and triggering the next incident. Because there will be one

One of the police questions you're asked when you've been abused is 'has he/she ever harmed an animal'.

You know what the situation is but I'm guessing you didn't expect to be in it.

Get over the shock first.

To other posters.

I would bet my house that this OP was one of your flock up until a few days ago. 'Leave him, it will get worse, you need to protect the dog, you need to protect the children'.

OP is now in a state of shock so go easy on the victim blaming eh?

@mummaofboys - I'm sorry it comes across I'm not bothered about my dog. I really am, so very much! I adore my dog, he's actually the only thing keeping me going just now. I'm not minimising this, I'm trying to get my head around it and make a sensible justifiable decision. Thanks all for your comments. X

I usually get told he's never got as angry as he does with me

OP, why do you phrase it like that? Who tells you this? Him? His kids? His friends? By using the passive voice (get told rather than he tells me) you're taking responsibility away from whoever it is that tells you this.

Whoever it is, his anger is quite deliberate, not something that just happens or just something you provoke for some reason. His anger is his responsibility, not yours.

I've got a horrible temper and me and DP used to have really nasty arguments when we were younger. But would we fuck boot a family pet in anger! No one normal does that, its not something you can brush aside, its pure wrong un behaviour. I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone who did that. Its beyond one off bad behaviour.

I can't believe it. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I would never have believed he was capable of it. I'm stupidly soft with my dog, he's spoiled rotten and the memory of seeing him being kicked will stay with me forever. Just typing this brings tears. I just don't understand where it came from? I would have been shouting leave him yesterday if I'd read this post!

You don't need to understand where it comes from. You just need to look and see whether you want a person who is capable of acting like that in your life.

Why are some women so desperate for a man they'll put up with such horrific men? He kicked your poor dog across the fucking and you don't want to throw it all away?! If you stay with him, you are just as bad as he is. Hiding this thread now as I am fumimg with such apathy. Poor poor dog. He WILL do it again. If you stay with the the cunt, rehome your dog.

I was with someone who hit me twice. The day he kicked my cat her left. I knew he wouldn't change or stop. He was rather surprised I left. Later I took him back. I won't justify why. But I knew I had no feelings and ended it again. After he'd hurt my kitten I just couldn't feel anything for him.

I adore my dog, he's actually the only thing keeping me going just now

If you love your dog, then please leave this evil piece of shit. He kicked your dog as a way of hurting you. He kicked the dog all the way across the room when it wasn't doing anything wrong, it was just lying there. Next time, he will kill your dog. Oh and pushing you is violence as well.

You need to go. Hurting animals is a massive red flag and a sign of being a psychopath. I would also tell your DSD that the reason you cannot stay in this relationship if because her father kicked the dog and hurt it.

What's stopping you?

If you stay with this man, you don't deserve your dog.

Rehome your dog as soon as possible if you choose to stay with the abusive prick.

I just don't understand where it came from? I would have been shouting leave him yesterday

Well it's easy for us to shout it, sitting here. We're not in love with him and all we have to go on is him kicking the dog, which makes it very black and white and easy. I think once you've been away from him for a few days you'll find you start to see him differently. You'll remember other, seemingly minor, things that you've excused and explained away. Then it will become clearer.

Be kind to yourself though OP. None of this is your fault.

I know it takes a huge shift in one's mind to start to see one's partner as an abuser. You have been brave and insightful to even ask the question.

It took me 10 years before I asked the question and another 2 to leave. My leaving started with the mistreatment of a dog.

People who haven't been there probably find it hard to understand why we are not as decisive and absolute as they think they would be. But it is the realm of the emotions, and you feel love for him and doubt yourself, the abuser has had time to get underr our skin and knows what makes us tick.

However, I wish I had left at the earliest opportunity