Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

[sunnysideup1971]

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

Whose house is it? Can you make him leave?

Because one of you has to...

Course he's sorry.

Until the next time.

After which he'll be sorry again.

Until the next time.

After which he'll be sorry again.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Option insert: he 'kicks' you rather than the dog....

I suppose it comes down to how much you like your dog? Regardless it was wrong if him. If you hope to have children in the future then leave now, it would be wrong to expose babies to that. Otherwise you are a big girl and know best what is right for you.

Kicking your dog is a deal breaker. Totally across the line. I hope for your sake as well as your dog's that you finish with him.
The amount of arguing you describe also sounds exhausting.

it comes down to how much you like the dog
What a pile of utter drivel
He is violent to an animal therefore he is not a good person. He also pushed the op.
Not acceptable.

I suppose it comes down to how much you like your dog?

I can't believe anyone would write that.

We don't own the house we jointly live in. I could leave with my darling dog. I am seriously, very seriously considering it. Obviously it needs a lot of thinking about, its a huge decision. Thank you for all of your comments.

Your daughter comforted him for an hour because he looked like he needed it?

How long have you been with him? One of the signs in DV is how the perp manipulates the children and wider family against the victim, isolates her out so she has no support.

It needs no thinking about at all...

The only times things like this are a one off is when the relationship ends so it doesn't have the opportunity to happen a second time.

Me too purple
Thought it was sarcasm for a minute.

Even though I don't like our two cats, if someone hurt them I wouldn't speak to that person again.

He pushed you, so yes it is domestic violence.

Please RTFT (or at least the OP's posts). The children are his.

I'm as concerned about the fact that his child was comforting him as I am about the abuse of the dog.

Abusers can be very skilled at making people feel sorry for them when they are in the wrong. It's a strategy that enables their abusive behaviour because it becomes impossible to tell them how their behaviour affects you.

You do need to walk away but you also need to make his older child aware that she is not responsible for reassuring him and making him feel OK when he is treating others badly.

If you stay in the relationship, you are telling him that you will accept this aggression. That gives him the go-ahead to escalate the behaviour. It is very likely to be more aggressive next time he thinks he is justified because you have made him angry.

You need to take your dog and leave. This behaviour should always be a deal-breaker.

He has already assaulted you by pushing you, he then attacked your dog, I know you are saying the dog is fine but how do you actually know it hasn't got any internal injuries if he kicked it with such force that the poor animal yelped when it landed against a bed ?

I would be seeking advice from the vet in the first instance and would have absolutely no qualms about telling the vet how the dog sustained the injury, plus I would be kicking the sadistic prick into touch and out of the house and my life.

If a person can be violent towards an animal, then they can are far more likely to be violent towards other people. I could never be with or consider having children with someone who could hurt a dog.

I think that you are just beginning to see what he is capable of and as difficult as it is, you will be dodging a bullet by leaving him before you have children.

Absolutely unforgivable. Who does that ?!!!!!! What a cruel fucking horrible man! Have you no self respect ? Words fail me .... cannot believe how you are not wanting to end it. You must be really desperate to stay with him. TOTALLY TOTALLY FUCKING OUT OF ORDER!

I could not stay with someone who hurt one of my dogs. Absolute no.

I think you should take your dog and leave.

Where is the childrens mother?

I'm sorry OP. I have definitely read of other cases where men abused their partners by proxy of their partner's pet - hurting the cat or dog to upset their partner. I could never trust someone who did that again. What if it had been a small child to hand - would they get smacked in the face to upset their mother and because they are easier to beat? My dog is very small, but it would still take some force to launch her across the room. If your DP had been wearing different shoes he could have broken your dog's ribs or something.

Hurting a pet is a question on the risk assessments used by DV organisations. Its a huge red flag. Please report this and leave with your dog.

I'm as concerned about the fact that his child was comforting him as I am about the abuse of the dog. Agree. The whole dynamic is really off. He's happy to hurt a defenceless animal, push you and then play the victim and make his DD his emotional crutch.

I doubt this is the first red flag TBH.

Things will change now op. . His dd thinks you are that bad guy. He now knows nobody is in your corner. Your ddog will be nervous around him. My ex used to shout at my dog, blame her for his entire depression (??). One day he tried to close a door on my arm nearly snapping it. I kept quiet because we had a house full of people. . We split later, no more violence except pushing and shoving but my ddogs and dc were on eggshells until the day i chucked him out. It's no way to live op. Start making plans to leave. .

I'd cut your losses and leave with the dog. You deserve better, relationships do not have to be like this.
I would also tell the children's mother why you are leaving. She probably knows what he's like but you have to tell her so she can decide what to do about her children being exposed to DV.

he'd be gone the moment he kicked the dog