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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

220 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 14:46

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

OP posts:
IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:47

I see the same shit every day on here. Posters astonished that their partner turned abusive and posters astonished their partner had or is having an affair.
Odds are that some pious poster on this thread is going to get a rude awakening in the next year.
Be careful pointing the finger. When you point a finger, there are four pointing back at you.

OP. Look. You're in shock. I've been there. Are you in a position mentally/emotionally/financially to leave?

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:48

Papafran, you clearly haven't any experience.

kali110 · 20/08/2017 17:49

IdoHaveAName how do you know that? Are you able to actually have a discussion without telling people to fuckout or typing offensive posts?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 20/08/2017 17:51

kali110 ffs This isn't about you or what you would do we all think we would do something but when you have been worn down by someone you question yourself that is excatly what has happened

And I agree the op's safety is more important and we can't all just up and leave what do you think the op can turn up at a refuge with her dog and be housed or go to the council

Maybe she does have somewhere she can go maybe she has to make plans to leave

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:51

Just to add, it is a serious red flag for police in the 20 or so questions.

Has he ever injured an animal?

You're in danger pet. This may only be the start of it. Get your little duckies in a row and get prepared to leave.

Or leave with your little dog tonight if you have somewhere to go.

Either way, his behaviour is not your fault. Get yourself safe girl when you can.

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:53

I know kali because someone who had been a victim wouldn't be so cruel.

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 18:01

Just to reiterate again, lest it get lost in the waffle.

OP. You are in danger.

Papafran · 20/08/2017 18:09

Papafran, you clearly haven't any experience

Are you kidding??? My experience, not that it is any of your business, comes from watching my dad kick the shit out of my mum on a regular basis and her taking a long time to leave him. Is that relevant enough for you? Or does it not count because I was a secondary victim rather than the one in the relationship???
Jesus Christ.

IneedaMagnum · 20/08/2017 18:16

Flowers Papafran. It's clear that Ido is a GF. Just ignore her, she'll eventually give up. People like her just want a reaction. We all feel for the OP, that is also clear. And she needs to get the dog out of there, no matter how confused she is feeling. That's her responsibility. That is also clear (to those of us with an iota of sense and compassion that is).

IneedaMagnum · 20/08/2017 18:17

Pressed before proofreading. Never mind..!

Papafran · 20/08/2017 18:18

Thank you, IneedaMagnum that means a lot.

kali110 · 20/08/2017 18:18

I hope you have someone in rl you can talk to.
a nice bloke wouldn't be blaming you for his agression!
You are not the problem, it's not your fault!
he is the problem, he can control his agression.
The next time he's angry it may not be the dog he kicks.
I hope you leave, you deserve better than this!

apostropheuse · 20/08/2017 18:19

I guess the OP won't take the dog to the vet because she would need to tell the vet how he sustained his injuries, which would (hopefully) trigger the vet reporting the abuse to the RSPCA.

To be perfectly and unashamedly blunt, you cannot say you adore your dog if you don't remove it from the risk of harm. Saying you adore/love someone/thing is very easy, it's how you act that shows if you do.

OP, I know you are in shock, but please get yourself away from that vile excuse of a man, and if for any reason you won't, do the decent thing and have your dog rehomed to a place of safety.

LinManWellWellWell · 20/08/2017 18:22

I saw a DV support worker last week and one of the questions was 'has he hurt any pets?' Please leave Sad

desertmum · 20/08/2017 18:31

If my husband hurt my dog in any way he would be gone instantly. He is a cunt. LTB.

Nomoreboomandbust · 20/08/2017 18:37

Op you won't get past this incident. You are in a position to leave. So so.

Papafran your posts are clearly helpful and intending to help the op Flowers

LoislovesStewie · 20/08/2017 18:58

I think many people here are just trying to answer a q which has been asked. I don't think people are blaming the Op but are merely trying to answer honestly and confirming what the Op already thinks. I've already stated on another post that I spent many years as a homeless officer so here goes. People who commit DV are ;devious;otherwise charming; manipulative, blame the victim, threaten to harm pets if the injured party leaves, threaten to self harm if ditto, say 'you made me do it by...', tell the injured aprty that s/he won't be believed, that no-one cares about them. i mean the list goes on. I've dealt with people who have spent donkeys years being beaten up and none deserved it. I have already said get out now because truly you don't know if he will smack you in the face tomorrow or kill your dog or you. Contact a professional for advice firsh thing tomorrow if you can't go to a friend with your dog today . Please !

FlakeBook · 20/08/2017 18:59

OP. My DP was violent once...once only. He pinned me against the wall, called me a whore and spat in my face.

I can't believe I didn't leave. I was overwhelmed and couldn't quite accept what had happened.

We have had happy times since but he is still verbally aggressive. I should have left.

ChasedByBees · 20/08/2017 19:02

I usually get told he's never got as angry as he does with me. I bring out the worst in him. I know this is a classic abusers line!

It really is. This is his problem and both of yu are minimising at the moment.

I also agree with PP that your dog may be hurt and you should get him checked out by a vet. He could have killed your dog. He might also make him scared of people if your partner continues to mistreat him.

Papafran · 20/08/2017 19:02

Thanks Nomoreboomandbust Smile

ChasedByBees · 20/08/2017 19:03

Flakebook: it's not too late to leave.

carefreeeee · 20/08/2017 19:06

If you tell the vet that your partner kicked the dog they may well tell the RSPCA and that might lead to further investigations. Vets are all warned to be aware of any possibility of animal abuse and report it because it's a sign that there may well be other domestic violence going on as well.

I think you should be talking to someone in real life about this - a trusted friend or relative, or a GP or vet. It's not really about the dog - it's a sign that he has major problems. I think you should make plans to leave. If you are regularly shouting at each other it doesn't sound like the relationship is that good anyway. Have either of you ever been violent towards the other one before (dogs excluded)?

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 19:13

Papafran. What prevented you leaving that abuse?
What do you think is preventing this woman?

kali110 · 20/08/2017 19:18

Papafran. What prevented you leaving that abuse?
What do you think is preventing this woman?
Her being a child maybe Confused

Papafran · 20/08/2017 19:36

Papafran. What prevented you leaving that abuse?

Oh, I don't know, it's quite hard for someone who is under the age of 12 (which is when my mum finally left) to y'know pack up and leave their home and start an independent life. Hmm.

I just wish so much that my mum had left straight away, the first time it happened. I have so many feelings about it and it still affects me a lot now. But I do know that I could never (as an adult) let a child or an animal who had been hurt live in that situation and I would go, I just couldn't do it. It's my job to protect them, they haven't got anyone else.