Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

220 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 14:46

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

OP posts:
vikingprincess81 · 20/08/2017 15:28

I'm as concerned about the fact that his child was comforting him as I am about the abuse of the dog. Agree. The whole dynamic is really off. He's happy to hurt a defenceless animal, push you and then play the victim and make his DD his emotional crutch.

This stood out to me too. Be strong OP, as he will try to pull you back in. Google 'cycle of abuse' if you don't know it already.
I don't say it lightly, but LTB, make sure you and your dog are safe. This is just the start - next it'll be a push to see how you react, then a slap, then a punch. How you react to this will define your future, I'm sorry he's such a twat Flowers

Original poster
sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 15:28

@StillDrivingmeBonkers - unfortunately i'm just the stepmum. We've been together nearly 3 years. No babies on the horizon (I think if that was the case it would be a no brainer - I hear you all shouting it should be anyway).

Please don't think I think this is acceptable. I don't and I adore my dog, much more than him at the moment.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2017 15:28

What a heartless bastard.

Ppl here shouting need to give you a break so you can come to terms with the situation!

You face a dilemma op

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/08/2017 15:29

He's crossed the line - if you continue you are basically giving him a green light!

His daughter ends up comforting him? WTF? He's obviously turned on the tears and twisted things! I bet he didn't tell her about booting the poor defenceless dog across the room...or pushing you?

What's the back story with the mother of the children - was he violent with her?

NoodleNinja · 20/08/2017 15:29

Not much thinking needed to be honest. Stay and have your dog kicked around like a football when your partner gets angry, then it'll be your turn. Or leave and be safe and protect your dog.

I'm sorry you're going through this and are obviously a bit conflicted but I think you know this is just the start of a shitstorm and you need to go.

Kicking a defenseless dog is awful.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 20/08/2017 15:32

Dear lord get away from this arsehole. Being a flarer is one thing but kicking a dog is evil IMO. leave him, chuck him out. Yuk.

vikingprincess81 · 20/08/2017 15:34

We're not shouting at you sweetie, we're just old and wizened the voices of experience chiming in - people can slate the nest of vipers all they like, but this is a place where you can access support. We all want the best for you Flowers

LoislovesStewie · 20/08/2017 15:37

There is very clear evidence that people who are cruel to animals are then cruel/abusive to humans . I really think you should go, if the house is yours then he goes. How would you feel if he seriously injured the dog? Would you stay then? You need to protect a poor defenceless animal , if you can't then the dog should go to the RSPCA/Dogs Trust . But really you should end the relationship ,pushing you and kicking the dog is enough.

Original poster
sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 15:38

@Mrscropley - thank you, you've delved into exactly how I'm feeling and couldn't verbalise. DSD now thinks i'm the bad guy, whatever was said won't be the full truth as she adores the dog and wouldn't comfort him if she'd known he'd hurt the dog.

OH knows I only have myself and the dog looking out for each other.

In answer to the other poster's question, its our weekend with the kids. Their mum wouldn't normally be worried, he's normally a good dad and they enjoy their time with us. She was at home doing whatever she does when the kids are with us.

OP posts:
kali110 · 20/08/2017 15:40

That is downright disgusting and indefensible.
Anybody that even dared to lay a hand on one of mine would get a kick up the arse and out the door.
I dont eben have to think about it.
To purposely harm an animal is beyond sick and disturbing.
I certainly wouldn't be able to forgive a partner, let alone lay next to him.
Thankfully my dh feels the same.
This 'man' is needs to go op.
Ofcourse he said he was sorry, they all do!
What happens when you're not around?
Is it really ok for this person to kick your dog?

Original poster
sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 15:40

As far as i'm aware he was never violent to the children's mum. I'm pretty certain he wasn't. I usually get told he's never got as angry as he does with me. I bring out the worst in him. I know this is a classic abusers line!

OP posts:
kali110 · 20/08/2017 15:40

And i'd tell his kids what he'd done too.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 20/08/2017 15:41

What was her relationship dynamic like with him?
Why did they split up?

Was there DV or A involved?

kali110 · 20/08/2017 15:41

Op what if the next time he hurts the dog too much?
Or you?

Spangles1963 · 20/08/2017 15:41

The fact that he kicked your dog is enough reason for you to tell him to sling his hook. A few years ago,I was with a guy who wasn't keen on cats,whereas I'm a cat lover. I was prepared to give him a chance,but he blew it big time. SpanglesCat had gone into my bedroom exBF was laying on the bed,watching the TV,and jumped up on the bed. I was in the toilet,and unknown to him,had left the door open. The next thing I knew,I saw him dumping SpanglesCat outside the bedroom,holding her by the scruff of her neck. Shock He was out of the front door faster than his feet could touch the ground. I cannot tolerate ANYONE who mistreats an animal,and I think it should be a warning to you OP.

hatsoncats · 20/08/2017 15:43

I bet he's told his DD a pack of lies to excuse his violence.
Wait until he's gone to work, pack stuff & go stay with friends or family.
Let LL know why you are no longer living there.
Leave nothing behind that you don't mind losing.
Arrange to redirect your post ASAP.

He could easily have killed your dog.
He could easily have injured you.
Run, run even faster, and keep on running.

mscongeniality · 20/08/2017 15:43

He literally kicked your dog with his foot? What kind of evil person does that? Even as a one off that would be the end for me. I couldn't be with someone so cruel as to hurt an innocent animal. So sorry OP Flowers

Ollivander84 · 20/08/2017 15:44

I wouldn't even have to think about it, complete deal breaker. If someone kicked my cat I would be beyond rage

pilates · 20/08/2017 15:45

That would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with someone like that, pissed or not. Truly awful. So sorry for you.

hatsoncats · 20/08/2017 15:47

Oh yes, and let his DC's know exactly how he kicked & hurt your dog.
If he HAS told a pack of lies, then they deserve to know the truth.

RiseToday · 20/08/2017 15:49

Oh wow, big man kicking a defenceless dog across the room and pushing his partner around.

This kind of thing makes me SO fucking angry.

Feelingiabu · 20/08/2017 15:49

He could have killed your dog, you would not have forgiven him for that surely?

His kids were in the house he pushed you and took his anger out on your dog, if the dog wasn't there it would have been you that was kicked.

People don't go from not being violent to violently kicking an animal.

Could it be that his older child recognised the signs and took him away to calm him down?

Hope you are ok and you can end this relationship Flowers

IrritatedUser1960 · 20/08/2017 15:51

If someone hurt my cats they would be out on the street that day.

IneedaMagnum · 20/08/2017 15:54

Same, if someone hurt my cats I wouldn't have to think about whether or not to leave them. I feel sorry for the dog.

Liiinoo · 20/08/2017 15:54

If you stay your actions are telling him that what he did was acceptable, that you are prepared to live with someone who acts that way. . So he has a green light to repeat that behaviour. And add a bit more. It will escalate until being shoved or the dog being kicked is the least of your worries.

I am a firm believer in the saying 'in vino veritas'. It was true in the days of the Roman Empire and it's still true now. He got drunk, lost his inhibitions and showed you a side of him he has kept hidden until now. Be glad you got to see it before you were in so deep it would have been financially impossible to extricate yourself.

Best of luck OP.