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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

220 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 14:46

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

OP posts:
RiseToday · 20/08/2017 15:55

God he sounds like a complete meathead.

So, he's got a vile temper, he shouts at you a lot, he pushes you around, abuses your dog, drags his kids into it.

It sounds like a complete car crash of a relationship. Who wants to live in such a volatile situation? It won't stop, he won't change.

CardsforKittens · 20/08/2017 15:58

It's so confusing, isn't it? On the one hand, you've loved him for three years, he's usually caring and affectionate and makes you feel loved and secure, and you've managed to get through the bits where you argue, and surely all relationships have their ups and downs. On the other hand, this one episode where he kicked the dog and pushed you seems to be so extreme that you should reconsider the whole relationship. It's really difficult to believe that this one episode is really him. It seems out of character and not the man you know. It's hard to get your head around it because you think back over the last three years and it looks as though there's lots of evidence that he's not the sort of person who would kick a dog. And yet he kicked your dog. And pushed you. It's so shocking that it's difficult to know what to do or how to react. And maybe he seems really shocked too, and very apologetic and promises never to do it again. The question you really want an answer to is: will he keep the promise never to do it again?

We can't know what's in the future. But everyone who ever had a relationship with a violent man will tell you that after the first time he was very apologetic and promised never to do it again. Women's Aid have a lot of really good info about the way domestic violence evolves in a relationship - because it's never a one-off. And if a woman doesn't leave an abusive man after the first time, it becomes harder and harder leave because the emotional abuse and gaslighting wear you down.

Take care of yourself. Believe yourself. Don't let anyone blame you for their violence.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 20/08/2017 15:58

He kicked your dog.

How on earth can you even be considering staying with him? Seriously.

HE KICKED YOUR DOG.

Why do you need space, time to think etc etc. Why? Is kicking a defenceless animal something you could forgive? Really? Because if so, please do your dog a favour and rehome it. It, and you, deserve better.

FrogFairy · 20/08/2017 16:01

Have you ever met a decent human being who though it acceptable to hurt an animal?

No, me neither. Don't waste another minute with him. Next time it might be your head getting kicked.

MsWanaBanana · 20/08/2017 16:05

In my opinion, people who abuse defenceless animals or children and the lowest of the low. Poor dog yelped so was obviously in pain. So he's angry with you and taking it out of the nearest thing around who he knows can't fight back. Alarm bells should be ringing and you should be leaving. You said it yourself, you bring out the worst in each other. You shouldn't be together

ptumbi · 20/08/2017 16:09

Um, so, OP - he lashed out at your small dog, then went to your dsd for comfort? So, dsd was not only comforting the small dog, but also him, who has caused the dog to be terrified and hurt?

And HE is the one looking for comfort from his daughter???

What the fuckityfuck are you 'thinking' about???

This is seriously fucked up - and you should be running far and fast.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/08/2017 16:11

I usually get told he's never got as angry as he does with me. I bring out the worst in him. I know this is a classic abusers line! So he's been saying this for how long? He's been gearing up for a while, it seems.

And the problem with wondering if it's a one-off is that it works anyway. There are men who stop physically abusing women because they have got them so scared, obedient and brain-washed that they don't need to. Next time you have a difference of opinion... are you going to worry about stating your case because he might kill your dog? Then he never has to do it again. He probably will though, they normally do. Especially since he has been prepping you.

Mysteriouscurle · 20/08/2017 16:12

If someone hurt my pet deliberately their arse would be out the door and their belongings in a black bag on the front lawn. And id report them for animal cruelty. And testify against them in court if necessary. Whether i was in a relationship with them or not. No bastard hurts my pets

Hugs for your lovely dog. Leave if you can. Its probably a warning to you that you'll be nextSad

ptumbi · 20/08/2017 16:12

Oh - and YES it IS domestic violence. And if SS find out about it, he would have some seriously explaining to do.

As would you, if you allow the children to be involved in this fucked up situation without getting them help.

I really think I would report it to SS myself. Violence to anything living, or even threats of, or even throwing inanimate objects - is all DV and the poor childen are living in it.

Willow2017 · 20/08/2017 16:15

Why didnt you tell DSD exactly what he had done to the dog? Why let him play the martyr and give her some sob story to make you the bad guy?

I would be leaving and telling his kids exactly why.

TrishanFlips · 20/08/2017 16:20

Leave him. Sounds awful. And even if it was true that you bring out the worst in him, then it's best for both of you if you are not together.

Lweji · 20/08/2017 16:21

It is a no brainer. You have to leave him. Now.

You could report it to the police and file a complaint, both for you being pushed as for kicking the dog.

However, what's important is that you and the dog are safe. You are not now. Because he will do it again. This time it was the dog and it was "only" a kick.

If your step children ask, you can tell them that you just want you and the dog to be safe. That's all.

Aeviternity · 20/08/2017 16:21

I believe many domestic violence websites, books, guides, manuals and common advice is that people who smash items and property and who harm animals are doing it to demonstrate to you that they have 'power' and it is a strong symbol that you will be next (or that you will remember their violent nature the next time you think about 'setting them off' with your terrible behaviour like having opinions, disagreements...)

Even if it were not that complex -

  1. He is a bully who harms animals. Perhaps he would not attempt to harm something as large or strong as him.
  1. He is a violent person with no self control around those weaker than him. You have animals and small children to protect from such a person.
joojoobean99 · 20/08/2017 16:22

Animal abuse aside, do you really think a good relationship involves him saying that you bring out the worst in him? Surely you're not meant for each other if that's the way he thinks.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 20/08/2017 16:23

Think about your arguments what they are about how you feel after what is said during an argument so you bring this out in him then why is he with you ?

Giving as good as you get does not mean there isn't abuse or one isn't an abusive purportrator this is a very easy trap to get into having worked in dv support I heard this all the time abused partners are not meek and nervous often they too become combative

If he is telling you he can't control his temper your warning is there

Mummaofboys · 20/08/2017 16:23

If somebody kicked my dog I'd get out of the relationship, how can you be with somebody that hurt another living thing? Never mind checking the dog you need to get checking in to a hotel (with the dog) poor thing! I hate people who hurts animals, it worries me you don't seem that bothered about your dog??

Emmageddon · 20/08/2017 16:26

Leave him and leave him now. Don't stay with someone who kicks a dog across the room. He could have killed the dog. Leave him and his vile temper, take your dog and find somewhere nice to live, and enjoy your own company for a while. Being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship, and being alone doesn't mean you will be lonely.
No more late night "discussions" ending in outbursts of violence.

ShitOrBust · 20/08/2017 16:28

Sounds like you will stay with him, the total knob that he is.
I would end it.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2017 16:32

He's violent and aggressive so you should leave him

jay55 · 20/08/2017 16:37

No brainier you should leave. You could also do a Clare's law request on him. Find out if he has known form for it.

morningconstitutional2017 · 20/08/2017 16:37

I would never stay with a man like this - hurt my cat and you're out of my life - simple as that.

Do you enjoy the 'highs and lows' of a volatile relationship, sunnyside? A quieter time with a steadier person may not be as exciting but is a hell of a lot better - and healthier for your emotional and mental well-being. Please be sensible and leave.

Cupoteap · 20/08/2017 16:39

Are the arguments always after drinking?

EmeraldIsle100 · 20/08/2017 16:39

His behaviour is unacceptable and you know it. You say you have been in a heated relationship for 3 years and now he kicks a defenceless dog and cries to his daughter. His behaviour is disgusting.

Get the hell out of this joke of a realionship. Now that he has kicked the dog once (if you believe that) what's next? If you stay you will always know deep down you colluded with the abuse of your dog and the lies that he told his DD.

Get out and stick up for your principles. He is nothing but a thug.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2017 16:39

I'm not a dog person. But I couldn't be with somebody who would kick an animal. It's vile.

magoria · 20/08/2017 16:44

He kicked an animal across the room.

Unless you are qualified please get your dog checked out.

You have no idea what damage may have been done even if the dog seems OK.