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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this domestic violence? Could it be a one off?

220 replies

sunnysideup1971 · 20/08/2017 14:46

Before I even start to write I think I know what you'll say, but I need to write it down to make sense of it.

Please be gentle with me. I'm a regular user but have name changed.

My b/f / partner whatever, we've been together nearly 3 years. We have a heated relationship, quite a few rows but I usually give as much as I get. He's got a temper on him, so have I. We shout a lot but have lots of very loving times. The good usually outways the bad ten fold.

He has two children, one nearly 18, another earlier teens. I don't have children. The arguments are never around the kids who stay with us regularly, are happy and our times with them around are good. I have a good relationship with both. They are both really sensible and responsible.

Last night we went to a party. I was driving so obvs not drinking, he had a bit to drink (not loads - not mega pissed). We had a small row on the way to the party and a "discussion" on the way back. All was OK. When we got home, I can't remember how, but he got really cross with me. Really angry about nothing and started saying horrible things. He pushed me but worst of all he kicked my dog across the room and into the bed. My gorgeous dog yelped and ran off into the older child's bedroom (where he often sleeps and gets loads of love). I didn't want to disturb the whole house so I didn't knock and try to go in. I was really cross and upset by this and the row continued. Albeit not shouting as we tried to keep it under wraps as the kids were around. Anyway we failed, older child came out of her room.

Older child and OH disappeared for half an hour. I didn't know where they were. When OH returned I asked if he'd told her what had been going on, he said not but she had comforted him as she thought he needed it. He looked like he'd been crying. Younger child slept through it all (genuinely).

I checked on my darling dog and he was fine, I checked again this morning and he's just as normal.

Sorry this is a bit muddled, there is so much running around my head. I know you'll all tell me to leave him for the sake of the kids and the dog. I just needed to write it down. AIBU to not want to throw it all away? Could it have been a one-off violent outburst?

OP posts:
mummytime · 20/08/2017 17:22

To be honest I would leaves ASAP, and tell/drop a note to his ex letting her know you are leaving because he kicked your dog. That is probably all you can do to protect the step children.

Violence towards animals is often a warning before violence towards children.

Papafran · 20/08/2017 17:23

If you stay with this man, you don't deserve your dog

Rehome your dog as soon as possible if you choose to stay with the abusive prick

^
This. Please just get your poor dog away from that psycho, whether or not you have enough self-respect to leave too. He doesn't love you because nobody who loved someone would do that to that person's beloved pet.

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:23

I really don't know why people pile on the victim on here.

Give the woman a chance to digest what has happened to her before laying it on thick. FFS.

It will be one of you lot tomorrow, don't worry. See how quick you up-sticks then. It honestly sickens me reading all the evangelists' posts about how you are indeed as bad if you don't leave immediately. FFS.

RainbowPastel · 20/08/2017 17:25

I couldn't breathe the same air as someone who did this to an animal. This will only be the start he will get worse.

fuckingroundabout · 20/08/2017 17:26

not sure if this has been said but abusing animals like that is considered one of the risk factors on the dash risk assessment that police etc use

JaneEyre70 · 20/08/2017 17:26

If you choose to stay OP, at the very least rehome your dog. Today. Ring a friend, family, make an excuse if needs be. It deserves better than to be around an owner that lets their manchild of a partner abuse it. You are no better than he is if you keep your dog there, sorry to be blunt, but no animal should ever be mistreated and it can't make the choice to leave. There is no telling what he would do if he was alone with it. And please get it checked by a vet for internal injuries as other PPs have said.

Altwoo · 20/08/2017 17:26

Please, please protect your dog in the immediate instance and leave this man. It will only escalate.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 20/08/2017 17:28

If DP kicked my dogs I'd kill him in his fucking sleep. I just asked him what he thinks would happen if he ever hurt one of them on purpose and he said "Christ, I'd sleep with one eye open."

You learn a lot about a person by how he treats animals imo. They love and trust us to the point that some won't even snap back in self defence and to break that trust in such a way is unforgivable to me. I'd leave him and he'd think himself lucky he wasnt dead under the patio.

Lweji · 20/08/2017 17:29

It will be one of you lot tomorrow, don't worry.

How do you know it wasn't many of us already?

sonjadog · 20/08/2017 17:30

Two reasons why I´d leave him: Firstly, he kicked your dog. How do you know it is the first time? How can you ever trust him with your dog again? Secondly, he brought a child into an adult argument and manipulated that child into feeling sorry for something horrible that he had done. That is inexcusable.

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:31

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IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:32

Lweji - because you wouldn't be thick enough to blame her for it. (One hopes).

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 20/08/2017 17:33

Totally agree IdoHaveAName

Let the op get her head around what is happening

Just leaving isn't an option for everyone not sure if the op has anywhere to go and to feel strong enough not to return and get into that trap of leaving and returning again because you miss them, they promise they will change

The freedom programme is very good and can be done on line (easy to look up) but you must keep yourself safe and not allow him to know you are doing the programme

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/08/2017 17:34

"I'm not minimising this, I'm trying to get my head around it and make a sensible justifiable decision."

Will you leave the dog alone with him in the house at all, while you're trying to reach your decision, sunnyside? Come to that, will you leave the dog alone with him in a room?

Just realised my question may seem irrelevant, as your presence didn't make any difference when he kicked the dog across the room ... but if he'll do that while you're there, what could he do when you're not?

JaneEyre70 · 20/08/2017 17:35

IdoHaveAName the OP has the choice to stay or leave. The dog has no choice and is at risk, if not already injured.

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:36

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Papafran · 20/08/2017 17:37

Lweji - because you wouldn't be thick enough to blame her for it. (One hopes)

Oh no, seriously, I have experience of DV. I understand the difficulty, but if they hurt a pet or a child who is vulnerable and depends on you for safety, you need to get over your emotional turmoil and get out. Straight away.

Lweji · 20/08/2017 17:38

Lweji - because you wouldn't be thick enough to blame her for it.

No, no blame for what happened.

But I know exactly how it feels and to have a partner that is capable of hurting an animal for fun.
It was the time I told him that I'd divorce him if the cat was ever mistreated again. And he wasn't kicked or actually hurt then.

I also know what it's like leaving.

Which is why I am happy to tell the OP to leave now for her sake and the dog's.

Papafran · 20/08/2017 17:39

IDoHaveAName all people are saying is to get the dog out of there. Same as if it was a small child he had violently kicked across the room, I would say, get the child out of there asap even if you're not prepared to leave yourself.

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:39

Dish - the dog won't be in danger while the OP isn't there. The dog is in danger because the bastard knows the OP loves the dog and it's a way to get at her.

Theimpossiblegirl · 20/08/2017 17:40

OP, you really do not deserve the stick you are getting here.
Remember, this is not your fault and you deserve better. Free yourself from this man and you will be in a position to find someone decent.
Flowers

IdoHaveAName · 20/08/2017 17:42

We all know that the OP should ideally leave. Life ain't so fucking simple. In my book, the OP's life is more valuable than the poor wee dog actually. If both of them could leave today - YEAY.
Get back to reality though. Honestly. I'd swear some of you lived charmed lives.

kali110 · 20/08/2017 17:43

Please get your dog checked out.
Ypu have absolutely no idea if your dog is hurt or not.
One of ours was hurt ( not by us) he looked fine, yet he had a serious injury. thank god we took him in to be looked over.
You're dog has been kicked across the room!
he could have a serious injury from this, a fracture, anything!( an animal can still walk on a fracture).
You need to get him looked over at the very least.

kali110 · 20/08/2017 17:45

IdoHaveAName if my dh of many years put one hand on one of ours that would be game over.
Any love i had for him would be dead.
The op and that dog deserves better.

Papafran · 20/08/2017 17:45

We all know that the OP should ideally leave. Life ain't so fucking simple. In my book, the OP's life is more valuable than the poor wee dog actually. If both of them could leave today - YEAY
Get back to reality though. Honestly. I'd swear some of you lived charmed lives

No, not charmed at all really. A lot of people who are saying this have direct experience of this kind of thing. The 'poor wee dog' has no choice though, regardless of how little you think his life is worth.