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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman smacked me on the bum at work - AIBU?

220 replies

Milkshakebelly · 14/08/2017 07:31

I work in a well known supermarket and yesterday whilst I was stacking the shelves a regular customer (older lady) came up behind me, smacked me on the bum quite hard and said "hurry up your in my way".

She smacked me quite hard but then laughed when I turned round. I moved out of her way and went out back. I was annoyed by it and mentioned it to the security guard who just said "oh yes she's got dementia coming, she's doesn't know what she's doing half the time"

AIBU to be annoyed that it's been brushed off? I know she probably didn't mean it because of her condition but WWYD??

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 14/08/2017 17:27

Sorry it's quite far back but Mastheads post made me snort

"Are free passes to behave inappropriately without offence dished out for all horrible illnesses/diseases or is it just dementia? It's like saying someone with MS can twat you with a walking stick on their way past if you're in their way..."

Ha! I have a disabling health condition too and would love to twat many many people with my walking stick. Ahhhh... pleasant daydream follows.

Take that fucker, for pushing in front of me, thwack! Take that patronizing wanker who refused to talk to me only my carer, bam! Take that illegally parked van who sat and laughed at me when I asked him to move away from the dropped kerb so I could cross the road, zone! And take that evil bitch at the roundhouse who showed her vile prejudice a little too clearly and persistently, tried repeatedly to segregate me in the 'disabled area', in the rain, on my own, 2 hrs before a performance started, as I 'wasn't allowed' to go order food for me & DS, or drinks, or sit with DS in the covered terrace area, Because err, ... disabled people must stay in the disabled area. Ok, walking stick whacking isn't enough or that last person. She's first against the wall come the revolution. Grr.

Smile

Sorry, I digress! Definitely no 'take that thwack' for poor innocent shop workers just doing their jobs.

ElinorRigby · 14/08/2017 17:34

I do think dementia or some other mental illness is likely because of the amount of dis-inhibition which is at work.

While some decades ago men (and perhaps older women) could behave like this to younger women, those days are long gone.

But my relative who has dementia has certainly gone back in time to an era where all sorts of behaviours - racist/sexist comments for example - that are no longer acceptable, seem fine to him.

It is actually conceivable (though this is a long shot) that being interviewed by the police who would explain that such actions are assault, might get through the confusion. The police do spend a long time dealing with actions that are the result of mental illness and will have developed a certain expertise....

waitforitfdear · 14/08/2017 21:15

mastfest

You would get credibility if your posts were remotely sensible love.

waitforitfdear · 14/08/2017 21:34

Bat shit responses op.

You report the incident and of course you have done nothing wrong here. Ignore the victim blaming it's madness

Partypolitics99 · 15/08/2017 03:49

I know a young girl who was run over by a women in a mobility scooter who had dementia
The police got involved as the young girl was badly injured, but according to a lot of people of this thread they should have just let it go as the old women had dementia.
The women in question had been driving round dangerously for ages, but everyone let it go as she had dementia and could not help it, in fact she was a bit of a local celeb.

Now if she had been reported sooner and the issue delt with (am not talking about charges, but maybe more support put in place and yes the police can refer people for more support) this little girl may not have had the traumatic experience of being knocked down and having to have operations on her leg.

Plus the women would not have the guilt of having done this to the little girl and yes she had dementia but she felt really guilty and bad about what had happened and now no longer goes out of the house.

This women in the supermarket may just have smacked the Op on the bum this time but next time the Op could be up a ladder and be knocked off balance or maybe a child may be on the receiving end next time.

melj1213 · 15/08/2017 05:16

Someone having dementia can be an explanation for their behaviour, but it is not a blanket excuse - and I say this as someone who has had all four grandparents suffer from it. One set of grandparents died a decade ago but my other grandfather died a couple of months ago after a long battle with dementia and my grandmother is currently in the latter stages of it currently. It is a terrible disease, and I would never wish it on anyone, but that doesn't mean that sufferers can go around assaulting people (and whether it's a slap across the face or a slap on the arse, it's assault) without any kind of consequence.

I'm not saying that she should be reported to the police or banned from the store, but the OP should not have to be assaulted and just accept it either ... what happens if next time the lady pushes her and the OP trips and seriously hurts herself? Or if the lady slaps her arse again whilst the OP is holding a heavy box and it makes her drop it and injure herself?

The dementia is a bit of a red herring as we don't know if it is just rumour or fact and so if you take that out, you have an older lady just hitting a member of staff because she was in her way. That is not OK and in no way is it the OP's fault and she should not just have to "suck it up" because she works in retail.

Grah0SoontobeaFatty · 15/08/2017 05:39

Well, the good news is if you report it and get the police called. It might help the person.

Depending on the speed and the handling if she does have dementia she won't remember doing it or any action from it.

But if she doesn't and she is just a rude obnoxious biddy, you teach her a thing or two.

diodati · 15/08/2017 05:48

You mean the only source of information re this woman's condition is a security guard?

What if it had been a man who smacked OP's bottom? Bloody double standards - again. Hmm

diodati · 15/08/2017 05:53

Dammit! MN only displaying first 20 posts unless I remember to request "view all".

Cring · 15/08/2017 06:04

YABU it's an elderly lady no need to cause upset and hurt over something so trivial.

Cring · 15/08/2017 06:08

This isn't an assault either it's just a slightly inappropriate act from a harmless old lady who if the OP reports it will likely be terrified and stressed disproportionate to how the OP is feeling and the scale of the alleged "attack". Have some compassion OP FFS.

Cupoteap · 15/08/2017 06:15

Op I e read all of your posts; first mistake was posting in aibu there is a work section that has some lovely hr bods.

Second mistake; why is it the security guard job to action it? He's not there to deal with that.

Everything is relative, to him it is probably nothing I've seen security guard clobbered over the head so a tap in the bum isn't going to bother you.

If it is still bothering you today, have a think what you would like to do.

Is it that it has opened up how vulnerable you are to being touched?

Broken11Girl · 15/08/2017 06:17

Agree Cring. The police know FA about mental health, have zero sensitivity and compassion and are thick Reporting will NOT result in help.

HurryUpAndWait · 15/08/2017 06:17

In the same way I don't call it assault when an SEN child hits me or similar, I wouldn't in this case. Lets keep words like assault for when it happens so that it means something.

What do you want to happen OP? She could be banned from the shop which would make her life even worse or you could realise that it really isn't a big deal.

The few 'you would report it if it was a man' comments are boring and predictable. The sex is irrelevant, it's the cause of the behaviour and if this mitigates it. The OP isn't in danger. She wasn't attacked. She had her bum smacked by an old lady.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 15/08/2017 06:22

I wouldn't be calling the police as more than likely they would not be able to do anything due to the woman's condition (if she has)

You need to speak to management and how they are going to safeguard there staff against this lady.

beardedlobster · 15/08/2017 06:26

Even medics on dementia wards have a zero tolerance policy and police are called if an assault occurs.

This isn't true at all. I work in dementia care and get punched, kicked, spat at and all sorts on a near daily basis.
The police are not called as the person in question lacks capacity. They could never be charged etc.... but regardless of that nor should they. At the end of the day if someone has dementia to the point they are admitted to an inpatient facility they are going to display challenging behaviour. If you work in such a place you have to accept this and you realise such behaviour is completely understandable.
The people I work with would be mortified if they were aware of their actions. I am thankful that they don't.

In relation to the original post however you have not chosen to work in a dementia setting so you don't have to accept this. What needs to be ascertained is if the lady does have dementia to the point she acts in such a way then she should have someone with her when out in public. She is putting herself in a very vulnerable position and as in your case is making others feel vulnerable.
I would question this, does she have family/caters that come with her?
If not I would be raising a concern with social services so support can be put into place.

SleightOfHand · 15/08/2017 06:26

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, what if the lady had smacked a child, would you say that's ok?

WinchestersInATardis · 15/08/2017 07:02

Quite Sleightofhand.
Horrified by posters just shrugging this off.
If this woman's illness has progressed to a point where she is hitting strangers hard in public, then she needs support and the public need to be protected.
The OP is presumably healthy and strong so it's mostly a nasty experience for her but if the next person this woman hits is a young child or elderly person, she could seriously hurt them.

HurryUpAndWait · 15/08/2017 07:11

@SleightOfHand

No. Of course it wouldn't be okay. No one has said that what the woman did was okay.

Some (most) people have managed to take a more nuanced and intelligent approach without resulting to a false analogy fallacy what if the lady with dementia had killed her (twice!) and run her over and decapitated her with a frozen pizza, would you say that's ok?

CockacidalManiac · 15/08/2017 07:13

Agree Cring. The police know FA about mental health, have zero sensitivity and compassion

When I've been very mentally unwell in the past, and the police have been involved for my own safety, I've found the complete opposite. The vast majority of police officers I've met have been kind, patient, and considerate; I wish I could say the say for most of the MH professionals I've encountered.

TSSDNCOP · 15/08/2017 07:42

OP, do you know what the Security guards role should have been in an instance like this? Should he have logged/escalated/approached the customer?

I don't think it's unreasonable to raise the incident with your line manager. In the hopefully unlikely event it happened again it would be useful to have a history recorded.

On a broader note, and I'm not suggesting this is for you to do at all more of a philosophical musing, it would be interesting to know how a supermarket deals with the likely event of people with MH behaving erratically. As a hub for the elderly it must have a fair few customers with dementia or other MH conditions, are staff advised how to cope in such situations?

Nicknacky · 15/08/2017 08:05

broken That's a rather blanket and incorrect statement if ever I heard one. And thick? How rude towards police officers who are expected to be experts in all areas, especially mental health.

GahBuggerit · 15/08/2017 10:03

Oh yes, what if it was a child? What if she had a knife? What if she threw something? What if OP turned around at the moment of impact and got a slap on the fanny instead? What if it were a man? What if it were a young man? What if it was a young boy?

What ifs are very unhelpful and just serve to add to the drama and frankly are a load of old hairy bollocks because none of the What Ifs actually happened. You can't punish someone for a What If, and thank fuck eh?

waitforitfdear · 15/08/2017 10:11

broken

What a strange post. The police have been involved with my mum over her altzimers and they were unfailingly kind and helpful.

cring as a compassionate ex nursing sister let me infirm you that all assaults on staff are logged aha taken seriously who ever committed them.

Totally wierd victim blaming posts and you do realise ignoring behaviour like this tends to escalate the danger to the perpetrator

waitforitfdear · 15/08/2017 10:13

Gah

What actually happened was the op was hit very hard while doing her job.

Is that clear enough and would you mind if that happened to you at work?