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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman smacked me on the bum at work - AIBU?

220 replies

Milkshakebelly · 14/08/2017 07:31

I work in a well known supermarket and yesterday whilst I was stacking the shelves a regular customer (older lady) came up behind me, smacked me on the bum quite hard and said "hurry up your in my way".

She smacked me quite hard but then laughed when I turned round. I moved out of her way and went out back. I was annoyed by it and mentioned it to the security guard who just said "oh yes she's got dementia coming, she's doesn't know what she's doing half the time"

AIBU to be annoyed that it's been brushed off? I know she probably didn't mean it because of her condition but WWYD??

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 10:33

She dont have done it deliberately
Of course she did! She did it to get ops attention and to make her move. How can you not smack someone hard on the backside when they are standng ABOVE you and not do it deliberately?
Whether or not she has dementia or not you still need to make the conscious effort to do something. People with 'dementia' don't all go around just waving their arms and hands around constantly and accidently hit people.

AgnesNitt1976 · 14/08/2017 10:34

wow the victim blaming on here is astonishing, regardless IF the lady has dementia does not excuse her behaviour.

I work in social care and have done so for more than 20 years with plenty of experience of supporting people with dementia and yes I have been assaulted many times. I have had counselling due to being sexually assaulted at work but according to many here I should simply have let it go/got over myself as the person responsible has a learning disability.

For the posters saying get over it, should have moved out of the way etc, would you say the same to your child if they were assaulted by a person possibly suffering with dementia?

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 10:36

FFS, "victim" status should be reserved for situations where there is actually a victim, i.e. where there is some meaningful harm or injury. Being whacked across the arse isn't pleasant but it is NOT tantamount to being raped or suffering a serious sexual or violent assault. Can we please at least try to retain some sense of proportionality here.

SlothMama · 14/08/2017 10:40

OP YANBU
I worked in a supermarket for over 5 years and I wouldn't be happy with a customer smacking me. I'd report it to management so it can be noted and appropriate action taken if she does it again.

Buttercunt · 14/08/2017 10:41

OP this whole post is ridiculous, none of us were there. What a drama. You speak to your manager, review the cctv to identify the woman and incident if needed and take it from there.

So no posts should ever be started about situations that all users were not there to witness? Maybe post that in Site Stuff as a suggestion?

GahBuggerit · 14/08/2017 10:44

Sorry but at a Supermarket making a call to SS/Police being the trigger that gets a dementia sufferer help. As we hear all the time:

Numerous visits to Doctors does nothing
Trips to memory clinics is a lovely day out, but does nothing practical
Calls to the authorities does nothing
Numerous telephone calls to the various supposed services does nothing
Calls to the DVLA etc (as has been discussed on her time and time again) does nothing when its clear the person shouldnt be driving still

But writing the incident down and a call from "Vera" on Tesco customer service will do it??? Do people really believe this? if so I admire the optimism.

OP while you do have a right to not be slapped on the arse at work, if the lady has dementia (and it is quite easy to spot if you have experience of it and the guard may know of her from other stores in the area) then there isn't much anyone can actually do in terms of action to stop the behaviour in future because the person has no idea they are being inappropriate and/or hurtful. The security guard shouldnt have been expected to report this on your behalf IMO its your responsiblity to bring this up with your manager yourself and put the ball in their court (though I'd hope that their action wouldnt be to bar this vulnerable person or phone the police [FFS]).

But IIWM I'd just keep my eyes out and if you see her again move away and tell your Manager if you feel you need to. There will be an unacceptable number of us that will either experience this awful disease ourselves or via family/friends so this probably wont be the first time you encounter behaviour like this.

BeakersofNaiceHam · 14/08/2017 10:49

I'm sure there is a point between reporting the lady to the police and completely ignoring the incident. The OP should have a right not to get smacked at work, but I do think we should give a little leeway to elderly people who may have mental health problems.
This does seem like a situation which could be handled by a good manager. It might be as simple as warning her she is not to do it, or if she really seems to have dementia maybe contacting a relative. Or even giving her some assistance around the store which is something I have heard some supermarkets will do.

user789653241 · 14/08/2017 10:51

Why can't you just ask her politely not to do it again?
If she doesn't get it, you/company may need to talk to her family etc?
I don't think you can just leave it and forget about it as it is. But need to consider background and do it carefully.

user789653241 · 14/08/2017 10:52

*total cross post with Beak.

differentnameforthis · 14/08/2017 11:01

The security guard isn't qualified to comment on the older ladies health, so his quip about dementia is to be ignored.

Also, would you all be saying "get over it" if it we're an elderly man who struck her?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2017 11:01

Why is the OP getting a hard time? PP have already pointed out the victim blaming on the thread.

I certainly wouldn't take the word of a security guard that the woman has dementia, and how much leeway are people prepared to give?

I am fairly certain that its until it happens to them.

OP report to management, get it recorded and if nothing else they can watch the woman as she goes around the shop.

And for those saying "do you want her banned, cos it will make her life harder", Nobody should have to put up with being assaulted at work.

differentnameforthis · 14/08/2017 11:09

*were

quercuscircus · 14/08/2017 11:11

I'm really surprised about some of the attiudes here.

dementia does not excuse her behaviour er, in my book it absolutely would excuse it.. just like a toddler, a dementia patient cannot help many of their actions. I don't think it is reasonable that they are held accountable for things they cannot control and aren't properly aware of. It just isn't the same as an assault by a person who knows that what they are doing is wrong and could have made a choice to do or not do it. Dementia affects impulse control amongst other things.

That doesn't give healthy people a free pass.

If it happened to me I would feel a bit shocked but as soon as the security guard had said dementia any offended feelings would have instantly evaporated. It would stop it being about me and my offence and give some context to the event.

I would try to find out more info from the guard and from the store manager but if it did seem likely that she was becoming unwell I would wonder what could be done to help her, but realise that probably not much can be done - sadly so many people just don't want to care for or about 'difficult' people so it isn't given enough priority (funding).

I would feel terrible if she were banned from the store because of a report I made. How would she manage? Or would no one care because out of sight is out of mind? What if this were your relative?

Obviously it isn't nice to be hit or assaulted but we have to have compassion for people who really cannot help their actions and have to work on the ability to stop taking it personally. The unwell are the real victims.

I do think that people who are carers or who work as carers need more support and better working conditions so that they don't become jaded and feel personally abused. Coping with that day in, day out for hours everyday for low pay can be soul destroying and is not good for the patient of the carer.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2017 11:11

Actually, I am genuinely curious to know if those defending the actions of the woman would be equally protective if she had hit the OP with a walking stick?

quercuscircus · 14/08/2017 11:12

patien OR carer, not of carer

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2017 11:13

quercuscircus
I'm really surprised about some of the attiudes here.

"dementia does not excuse her behaviour" er, in my book it absolutely would excuse it..

It is not an excuse, it is a reason, and frankly if this woman is a danger to other people then...

GahBuggerit · 14/08/2017 11:14

It would be quite easy for OP to find out how this guard believes he knows the lady has dementia so OP could then make a judgement call on how to approach it.

Op if you come back maybe speak to the guard again as a first port of call, tell him you are intending to discuss the incident with your Manager but want them to take account of any potential extenuating circumstances so how does he know she had dementia, is he certain or is it just a hunch and then you can make an informed decision on your next steps.

Feilin · 14/08/2017 11:16

Heres an idea. IF she does have dementia how about finding someone front of house who would be willing to approach her when she enters and offer to take her around and distract her while helping her with her shopping. You do need to find out if she really does have it so if i was you id ask the security where he got his info. Involve management yes please do this lady might need some help . Some people with dementia lose all ability to tell whats appropriate and whats not. A little bit of help will protect her and you if this is the actual case. If not well then a stern word from management should help.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2017 11:16

FFS, "victim" status should be reserved for situations where there is actually a victim

I know, it's mind boggling. A smack on the arse by some old dear is being described as a violent sexual assault. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

But then again this is mumsnet,the home of the parallel universe. Surprised no one had said the op should have shouted " fuck off" at her yet.

stevie69 · 14/08/2017 11:17

Go to the police -its assault!!

Seriously? And then we wonder why our public services are under such pressure. Surely there are internal mechanisms for handling this?

NauticalDisaster · 14/08/2017 11:25

YANBU OP, you have the right to be safe at work, not assaulted.

The store should be taking this seriously and finding ways to address it. The security guard isn't qualified to make a diagnosis. What happens if next time a child is in her way? Will it be okay for the child to be slapped?

GahBuggerit · 14/08/2017 11:26

Great post Quer.

There needs to be more understanding and willingness to understand Dementia. Its not the person that's a danger its their actions, but when they are having an 'episode' they have no idea what they are doing or have done.

Boney - if she is a danger to other people then....what? What would you propose? They may only have an episode like that once every week for example, and it would be inhumane to have them shut away, yet trying to access services to help is nigh on impossible if you don't live in the right postcode.

Im not saying its fair on the people like OP who will very very rarely experience the behaviour first hand like that, its really not, but its especially unfair to the family/friends who are left to deal with it on their own far more often than a shelf stacker having the odd interaction with a sufferer. And above all else its completely unfair and heartbreaking for the person who has to live with it, although the small mercy is when it really kicks in they don't know they have it.

IMO it does all go back to people just needing a bit more understanding and empathy, no its not pleasant at all, but I guess be thankful that you have the awareness still to recognise that its not pleasant, because its likely the sufferer has no fucking idea. Heartbreaking.

CockacidalManiac · 14/08/2017 11:35

Some of the posters on this thread are quite mad.
YANBU.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2017 11:38

GahBuggerit

What do you propose? Is this a rare thing? In this case we don't know.

I can tell you that a person that I know that has dementia has a companion with her 24/7 so that things like this don't happen.

The reason that I left the statement open is because I don't know what should happen.

And there are also alot of people out there that wouldn't have the same response as the OP did. I wonder what the responses would be if the the person being smacked had reacted in a more aggressive manner, A woman screaming in her face, a child with SN having a meltdown, a man slapping her back.

Or did this woman who we don't know if she has dementia pick on the one person that couldn't have an aggressive response?

Counterpane · 14/08/2017 11:45

I am a fairly 'live and let live' type but if someone hit me whilst I was going about my business I'm not sure me first reaction would be to analyse why they had done it.

The OP has a right to expect not to be assaulted, full stop.

Log a report in the work incident book, or whatever procedure your employer sets out because if this happens again and someone gets hurt you will be at fault for doing nothing.