Woman smacked me on the bum at work - AIBU?

[Milkshakebelly]

I work in a well known supermarket and yesterday whilst I was stacking the shelves a regular customer (older lady) came up behind me, smacked me on the bum quite hard and said "hurry up your in my way".

She smacked me quite hard but then laughed when I turned round. I moved out of her way and went out back. I was annoyed by it and mentioned it to the security guard who just said "oh yes she's got dementia coming, she's doesn't know what she's doing half the time"

AIBU to be annoyed that it's been brushed off? I know she probably didn't mean it because of her condition but WWYD??

*my

Assault? Really! Report to the police? Really people. This is why the police don't have time to deal with real cases. You had your bum smacked by an old lady, it wasn't sexual I find it hard to believe it partially hurt, not something you want to happen every day but she's an old girl and probably thought it was affectionate or a joke. If she does it again just say 'oh I really don't like that. Please don't do it.' I think you're being pretty pathetic.

Totally agree HiJenny. I sometimes think I live in a parallel universe.....Assault, police, sexual violence... a little old granny slapping you on the bum - big deal, get over it.

I don't have the answer either, you were the one who seemed to have an idea of what to do with this lady.

The person you know may be at a different stage, or they may live in an area with better provision. but its wonderful that they have a companion, must be very helpful for them. I can tell you a person I know has zero support. Absolutely nothing. They are fine to be on their own so because they only have occasional episodes where they do something dodgy (maybe like the lady in the OP) the doctors etc are simply not interested.

And yes you're right, someone else may have smacked the lady back. Which is another reason why a bit of empathy and understanding and a very basic simple "hmm, thats a bit odd of an elderly person to do that, wonder if there is something going on with them?" would go a very long way in these sort of situations.

Of course the guard may be talking out his arse, but its strange that he said she had it, so I do think OP as a first step should ask him how he knows or why he said what he said and that may dictate her next moves, if any.

Thank you Gah

So boneyback I presume you vote for political parties who will raise taxes to pay for more social care?

Else how could every person with dementia/ mental illness/ learning difficulties/ other disability have this one-to-one or care closer supervision. Given that many don't want to or can;t do it anymore and we no longer have workhouses.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that much more care is needed througout the community and we all need to do our part. But not enough people feel the same way which is why we end with a tax cutting Conservative government.

Until social and health care is funded to give this degree then I think we all just have to do what we can on an individual level. Not just 'call the unfunded authrorities' embedded in a broken system, so we can wash our hands of the hassle.

Even if the guard is correct or not the store has a duty to protect their staff.

Whether this means following the old lady around or getting a staff member to 'help' her with her shopping I don't know.

quercuscircus

So boneyback I presume you vote for political parties who will raise taxes to pay for more social care?

Actually I do, well done :)

but again we still don't know if this woman actually has dementia, I know some old people that are just nasty and entitled. It is equally likely that she has met one of them and people are just making excuses.

Actually, I am genuinely curious to know if those defending the actions of the woman would be equally protective if she had hit the OP with a walking stick?

She didn't hit her with a walking stick. Nor did she punch her in the face, get her in a half nelson, throw tins of beans at her, or wrestle her into A chiller cabinet, She smacked her arse and told her to move. No one is defending it either, what's been said is simply although unpleasant and intrusive, most of us would not see this as some form of violent sexualised assault worthy of police attention.

Serious assaults often go unpunished. The police can hardly cope with them and the assailant will get off scot free. I'd find it strange if they took exception to this one.

Bluntness100

Nor do we know if it is someone with dementia, Yet apparently this is an OK form of non-consensual physical contact.

No one said it was ok. Not even slightly, what was being said was it wasn't overly serious and not to the level of violent sexualised assault worthy of police attention.

*Do you want her banned from the shop or something? Yes, staff shouldn't have to put up with this type of behaviour.

I'd try to find out if she actually is in the early stages of dementia and if she is then I would try to report here to someone. Purely because I'd worry about her doing it to someone who might turn around and hurt her if they aren't aware of her dementia.

I'd be much more concerned that she's getting the help she needs than I would be about myself.

Bluntness100
No one said it was ok. Not even slightly, what was being said was it wasn't overly serious and not to the level of violent sexualised assault worthy of police attention.

That is the contradiction right there^

It is not serious so its OK to ignore?

The double standards on consent here are astounding

and just FYI , I haven't said go to the police (because like many on here they would ignore it) I have said report to the store because its not ok to be assaulted at work.

YANBU and I can't imagine so many posters would be saying 'it's just a smack on the bum, get over yourself' or similar if it had been an elderly man, with suspected dementia or otherwise.

I used to work in a care setting and sometimes the elderly people there would do/say inappropriate things. It was still upsetting sometimes, but I was professional about it because I knew they couldn't really help it, so I didn't blame them. I also had training and was given information about each of the people I worked with and how their conditions affected them, so I knew what to expect to some extent.

It's not the same at all as working in a supermarket and being randomly slapped and told to get out of the way. There is no expectation that dealing with that sort of behaviour is part of your job role. If this lady does have dementia and doesn't really understand what she's doing to the point that she'll hit someone, she should have a carer to go shopping with her. Yes, you should have compassion for her if that's the case, but that doesn't make her behaviour okay, and it doesn't mean that you're wrong to be upset by it.

I am loving the assumptions on this thread. Perhaps the old lady doesn't have any family or anyone to notice her decline. Do you have any idea how hard is it to get any type of support or help for people with dementia- even when they have advocates?

Adult social services will not touch her as long as she has any level of 'capacity'- neither will mental health. People fall through the cracks all the time- and it is desperately sad and could be anyone of us.

I dont think they do Jessica, sadly, there has been a few comments saying that people should have carers etc - well, of course they should, but when they aren't available what do you do then? You cant shut the person away or stop them from having a life (bleeding right too).

I dont know what the solution is in the absence of proper help but I do maintain that everyone, especially nowadays with all of the awareness being raised, should have a bit more empathy towards anyone they suspect has dementia, or been made ware they have suspected dementia. Its a condition affecting more people year on year and I think we could all do with being a bit more mindful that there is a chance we will be like that lady one day.

Lucid and "Me" one minute and slapping a shelf stacker on the arse the next minute, then being banned from what might be one of the only ways I feel normal - buying my loaf and milk every 2 days, but having no idea why. How utterly shit that would be for anyone.

That is the contradiction right there^

How is it a contradiction? Plenty of things are not ok but you let them slide and aren't worthy of police attention. The unwanted comment, some old bird smacking your bum, a little kid who kicks your ankle and runs off, the teen who kicks a football that hits you on the ass, the nutty woman shouting at you about parent and child spaces, whatever.

Not everything is either ok or if it's not then it's a violent assault and rhe police should be involved. It's a whole sliding scale of seriousness and complexity in there.

Common sense is required in terms of being able to put things into perspective and rationalise the harm done and what consequences are required.

Just because you personally would see this as some form of violent assault, fair enough, you're welcome to your opinion no matter how over the top either I or the police would feel it to be, and I'm welcome to mine, no matter how accepting and underplaying you feel it is.

For me, the only concern would be if this old lady had the help she required. I wouldn't like gettting my arse smacked and told to move, but I'd be more concerned for her than me and I wouldn't take it further for any reason other than to get her help.

I am loving the assumptions on this thread. Perhaps the old lady doesn't have any family or anyone to notice her decline. Do you have any idea how hard is it to get any type of support or help for people with dementia- even when they have advocates?

Perhaps she doesn't have dementia and has been getting away with hitting people for years.

Loving the assumption that because

a) a non qualified, un medical person who doesnt live in the area, doesnt know the woman outside the shop has decided she has "dementia coming" (presumably just because she is 'old') has been the focus of this thread for many

b) She is 'old' therefor she must live alone, isolated from any family or friends she ever had ergo she is vulnerable and should be excused.

c) She is 'old' therefor cannot possibly be responsible for her own actions as 'old people' are invariable sweet and cuddly and would never whack some innocent person on the backside so hard it hurt then tell them to "move" like they owned the place, without some good reason.

Maybe she is just a bitch. There are old bitches out there just the same as there are young ones, 'old' age doesnt change your personality from Bitch to Mrs Wonderful.

Maybe she is just a bitch. There are old bitches out there just the same as there are young ones, 'old' age doesnt change your personality from Bitch to Mrs Wonderful.

Totally agree, as evidenced by this thread

Willow2017 I agree

Willow2017
Another 'yes' from me.

Bluntness100

you're welcome to your opinion no matter how over the top either I or the police would feel it to be.

You are welcome to your opinion no matter how much it excuses violence against people.

I don't want to get the police involved, banned from the store of course not. However I should have the right to go into work without worrying that this woman will do this again to me.

If you go to your manager, and report this - which your perfectly well within your rights to do - how do you think the can stop it happening again, without calling the police or banning her from the store?

OP, you are totally not being unreasonable.

Whether she has dementia or not is unknown and you only have the potentially unreliable word of a security guard, who may not even know her personally and could be making massive assumptions.

Do people really just accept having their arses smacked by customers at work just in case the customer has dementia? It is the impression that some posters have certainly given. That must be some sort of parallel universe, and I actually don't believe them. I wouldn't accept it. You do have to look out for yourself, because nobody else will do it for you.

You are entitled to want to work without fear of this sort of thing happening. Report it to your manager. Customers can and do get banned from stores for inappropriate behaviour. Perhaps it was caught on CCTV and she can be identified?