Page 9 | Getting married aged 20

1stDinkyDecker · 2017-08-13T16:02:14+00:00

AIBU to think 20 is just way too young? I have two twenty somethings myself, and I can't imagine them getting married at the moment, even though they are both in long term relationships. We have received an invitation to a wedding, the bride will be 20 at the time of the wedding and the groom 22. I just don't feel comfortable with this, but maybe IABU?

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 14/08/2017 13:28

We met when I was nearly 18 and got married at when I was 21 (2 weeks after my birthday!) We are still together 8 years later and very happy. I don't understand why it would have been fine to live with him but not to get married. Living with someone brings some level of commitment (to a rental contract for eg; giving up bedroom in parental / own home so may not be able to move back easily; some people even relocate to live together!) and marriage at least gives some form of protection / legal framework should things go wrong. It is harder to get out of a marriage than living together (kind of the point, I guess!) but not impossible. However most people go into a marriage assuming they will stay together, which is quite nice, I think.

It is so dependant on the individual too - a 20 year old who has been working for a couple of years and maybe been promoted to a role with some extra responsibilities could seem much more mature than a 30 year old who has gone straight from school to uni to Masters to PhD while living with (and off) mum and dad.

No-one made any negative comments that I'm aware of, and I love that we have already spent all these years as husband and wife.

Karatecas · 14/08/2017 13:35

When my son proposed to his, now, wife, she was just 20 (they married within 6 months and, no, she wasn't pregnant). Her mother made a point of asking us (his parents) to stop it as they were too young! We couldn't and wouldn't because it would have been hypocritical because we were 20 when we married. Like us, they've had to work at their marriage but they are still going strong 10 years later.

I've know couples who have been together for years and then married, only to split within a year or two. If it works, it works. Whatever age you marry you have to work at it!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 14:11

"Legally they are old enough to make this decision"

That's irrelevant. Nobody's claiming they're breaking the law. OP is just saying she would feel uncomfortable as a guest. Wedding guests are usually asked to support the marriage and Op understandably feels uncomfortable about this.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 14:20

"a 20 year old who has been working for a couple of years and maybe been promoted to a role with some extra responsibilities could seem much more mature than a 30 year old who has gone straight from school to uni to Masters to PhD "

They may SEEM more mature.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 14:25

That's irrelevant. Nobody's claiming they're breaking the law. OP is just saying she would feel uncomfortable as a guest. Wedding guests are usually asked to support the marriage and Op understandably feels uncomfortable about this*

Not irrelevant. The law recognises that someone of that age can make that decision. That they arr capable to enter into that contract with full knowledge of what it means. The op feels uncomfortable only based an age. Which is ridiculous. Because age isnt everything.

BoysofMelody · 14/08/2017 14:56

a 20 year old who has been working for a couple of years and maybe been promoted to a role with some extra responsibilities could seem much more mature than a 30 year old who has gone straight from school to uni to Masters to PhD

Sorry for the derail,but given that in the course of a PhD a student will have done most of the following:

*Devised and Written a research proposal that has attracted funding
*Completed a three year piece of independent research that makes a contribution to knowledge typically about 100,000 words
*Planned and delivered lectures, seminars, demonstrations and delivered them to undergraduate students
*Spoken at conferences in front of leading academics
*Organised a conference
*Searched for post doctoral employment in a ludicrously competitive jobs market
*Defended their thesis under critical examination

Balanced all of the above with part time work

Someone who emotionally immature wouldn't make it through the door, let alone last alone last the duration. The idea that undertaking a PhD somehow is an escape from reality or is a in somehow postponing adult life is laughable.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 14/08/2017 16:39

BoysofMelody absolutely, and I didn't mean to cause offence or make a Ph.D sound easy - in fact one of the hardest-working people I know has balanced their Ph.D with family life and I don't know how they do it. Similarly I know someone who is 33 now and has never worked in a traditional job or left home - I guess I conflated that with taking the more academic path which made it seem like a sweeping generalisation.

I guess the focus was more on having lived with parents received emotional / financial / practical support while studying long-term can make someone seem (as Gwen highlights) less mature and equipped to deal with "normal" adult life.

BoysofMelody · 14/08/2017 16:42

I guess the focus was more on having lived with parents received emotional / financial / practical support while studying long-term can make someone seem (as Gwen highlights) less mature and equipped to deal with "normal" adult life.

I know no one who went through to PhD level and lived in their parental home whilst doing so.

ImDoingLaundry · 14/08/2017 16:47

YABU, it's not your life.

If they're happy enough and love each other enough to get married, let them be. Why do you care?

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 14/08/2017 16:53

Boys ok, as I mentioned I do - in fact of 5 people I know who have, 2 have remained in the parental home. I am not trying to pick a fight and as I said, perhaps my focus shouldn't have been on educational achievements but on the level of parental support.

BoysofMelody · 14/08/2017 17:31

Fair point Polar sorry for labouring the point with my followup post!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 19:46

"Not irrelevant. The law recognises that someone of that age can make that decision. That they arr capable to enter into that contract with full knowledge of what it means. "

The law allows marriage at 16, but that doesn't mean everyone has to think it's a good idea. Disagreeing with something is not the same as wanting it to be illegal. I hate smoking, but I don't think putting smokers in jail would be a good use of police time. What the law says is completely irrelevant. OP's concerns are not to do with the legality of the marriage.

ForalltheSaints · 14/08/2017 19:56

If you don't feel comfortable then politely decline. I don't know the couple but they could be suitable and it be a lovely thing.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 20:58

The law allows marriage at 16, but that doesn't mean everyone has to think it's a good idea. Disagreeing with something is not the same as wanting it to be illegal. I hate smoking, but I don't think putting smokers in jail would be a good use of police time. What the law says is completely irrelevant. OP's concerns are not to do with the legality of the marriage.

Thats not the point i made if you read the converstation. If the law agrees a 20byear old can enter a contract and understand its implications, why cant the Op?

The op is judging this marriage on the age not the people. Thats never a good thing to dom