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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married aged 20

214 replies

1stDinkyDecker · 13/08/2017 17:02

AIBU to think 20 is just way too young?

I have two twenty somethings myself, and I can't imagine them getting married at the moment, even though they are both in long term relationships.

We have received an invitation to a wedding, the bride will be 20 at the time of the wedding and the groom 22.

I just don't feel comfortable with this, but maybe IABU?

OP posts:
ForeverLivingMyArse · 14/08/2017 07:57

Dh and I have been together since we were teens. We're not the same people as we were at 17, we've both changed, lots. However we have changed and grew together and get closer all the time. I think over the course of decades that people are married everyone changes, regardless of when they get together.

Therefore that argument against marrying young is, in my opinion, nonsense!

Headofthehive55 · 14/08/2017 08:10

I found it much better to marry younger - you both start out with very little and gain financially together.

I don't know how couples dare marry each other later in life when they both have unequal assets. I wouldn't have been able to commit easily at that point.

Cailleach666 · 14/08/2017 08:13

I don't know how couples dare marry each other later in life when they both have unequal assets. I wouldn't have been able to commit easily at that point.

I know, it's shocking really.

silkpyjamasallday · 14/08/2017 08:23

My parents and all their friends from university got married soon after graduating in their early 20s, all 10 couples are still together 30+ years on. I think the sorts of marriages you see around you will have an influence on how you view marriage and the age at which you expect to marry. I had DD at 21, DP and I had planned to wait until I was 23 and we were married but she was the most wonderful surprise. We will be getting married when I am 25 and DP will be 27. It will be young to marry amongst our peers but it is right for us. Don't judge people by your own standards, everyone is different and just because you personally weren't in a position to marry at 20 doesn't mean this couple are not ready. Many people my age don't wish to live an extended adolescence until their 30s, they get on with the life they want, which might not fit in with societies idea of young people wanting to have loads of casual sex and go out drinking regularly.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 14/08/2017 08:36

Lots of patronising comments on this thread. OP you've led a sheltered life if two consenting adults getting married makes you uncomfortable.

20 being 1 year from teenage hood - yes it is. But people are talking about people in their 20s rather than just 20 aren't they, and 19 year olds aren't necessarily all living a life of a child - thank god.

Re university - it may not be a lifelong commitment if you can afford to do a degree because 'that's what you do' - those that choose to do 6 years of medical school are, one assumes, doing it because they want to be doctors etc for their life career. Ditto bar school etc.

How sad that we have developed such low expectations of young people and how narrow a view society has of what should happen and when. Bloody glad I ignored my copy of that rule book.

HappydaysArehere · 14/08/2017 09:06

I was a month off nineteen and my husband was twenty. I was sixteen when I met my husband. We have been married for fifty seven years. We grew up together while we were married. At the time it didn't seem odd at all. My mother was about the same age when she got married. The same for other people I knew. We have had our ups and downs but we really love each other. I can see how it could have so easily gone wrong but it has lasted and we are happy together. Be happy for this young couple. All marriages have times when things don't go well so expect those times, look after each other and keep caring.

woodhill · 14/08/2017 09:12

I'm enjoying the empty nester situation. I got married at 24. I did find it difficult as my dc were close in age and I felt tied down for a few years' but life is like that.

BroomstickOfLove · 14/08/2017 09:17

It's not a choice between marriage at 21 or an extended adolescence, though. Many of my friends (including me) started dating their spouse/committed partner at university. The ones who got married straight after graduation are almost all divorced. The ones who waited a few years, maybe had a year or so in a long-distance relationship as they started their careers, gradually fused their adult lives together, and then got married are mostly still together twenty years down the line.

coriliavijvaad · 14/08/2017 09:22

All you can do is wish them well. it's not for you to have an opinion.

Are they evangelical-type Christians? They may feel they need to get married as a matter of urgency so that they can shag the pants off each other, for to do Otherwise would clearly be sinful.

They may be lucky. Some couples are.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 10:03

"it's not for you to have an opinion."

You can argue that someone shouldn't express an opinion, but you can't tell them they can't have one!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 10:06

"But people are talking about people in their 20s rather than just 20 aren't they"

No, people are talking about people in their early 20s. I haven't seen any comments saying a 28 year old is too young to marry.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 10:12

"Some girls/boys have kids at 16+ as that is the age of consent. How can you be too young for marriage but not kids confused"

Most people don't see having a child at 16 as ideal and it's official government policy to bring the rate of teenage pregnancies down. Also, as I've mentioned most of those pregnancies are unplanned (or at least that's what's claimed). A marriage is something planned so quite different.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 14/08/2017 10:14

I'm not going through the entire thread but actually yes they did.

nomorebabiesyet · 14/08/2017 10:30

About the teen pregnancies. It may not be planned and i didnt say people agree it is ok. However it is committing your life to a child and also to the other parent. Whereas marriage can be ended. People normally acceot the child in the end so why not accept a marriage?

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 11:22

Nomore - if we don't generally encourage teen pregnancies, why would we encourage teen marriage - from the OP it sounds like the bride is not even 20 now and is engaged.

Marriage can be ended, but you should go into it as a permanent commitment surely. If the person is thinking 'it's Ok because I can get a divorce' surely that just shows even more that they're not mature enough.

People accept a child because what's done is done, but the marriage isn't done yet. What's to stop the young couple postponing for a couple of years?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 11:42

"Some girls/boys have kids at 16+ as that is the age of consent. How can you be too young for marriage but not kids confused

How can you think 16 year olds are NOT too young for kids?

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 11:52

Most people don't see having a child at 16 as ideal and it's official government policy to bring the rate of teenage pregnancies down. Also, as I've mentioned most of those pregnancies are unplanned (or at least that's what's claimed).

Again. The pregnancy may be an accident. But choosinf to cintinue the pregnancy or keep the baby once its born, is a commitment that you will live with forever.

Getting pregnant at 16 isnt ideal because you are still finishing your education and it will impact that and the rest of your life. You are still legally a minor.

Getting pregnant at 20 or getting married at 20 is not the same as having a baby at 20.

The concept was brought up because someone claimes 20 was too young to make a life long commitment. When there are people of that age that make a much larger commitment. Parenthood is much harder walk away from than marriage.

But people who judge young mums are usually told to keep their noses out.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 11:54

What's to stop the young couple postponing for a couple of years?

Why should they? They are adults. This a decision they are legally entitled to make for themseleves.

NewPapaGuinea · 14/08/2017 11:57

My Mum married my Dad at 18 (had me at 20) and they've just celebrated their 41 year anniversary.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 12:12

"The concept was brought up because someone claimes 20 was too young to make a life long commitment. When there are people of that age that make a much larger commitment. Parenthood is much harder walk away from than marriage."

Yes, but it's not comparable. Most people would not advise a 19 year old to have a baby any more than they would advise her to get engaged. They are too young for both.

"Getting pregnant at 16 isnt ideal because you are still finishing your education"

You can leave school at 16 just like you can still be in education at 20.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 12:22

You cant leave uk education at 16. You have to have some for of education after that.

Most people would not advise a 19 year old to have a baby any more than they would advise her to get engaged. They are too young for both

The couple in question havent asked for advice or opinions. Neither have most people who get married.

They have simpky extended an invite. Tgeir decision is made.

Legally they are old enough to make this decision.

Your opinion is that 20 is too young. Its my opinion that it depends entirely on the couple. The same as some people arent mature enough for marriage in their 30s. Some people are not ever ready.

Lots of couples get married young and have a good, long marriage. They clearly didnt want to wait.

The fact is, wether it turns out its a mistake or not, its their decision to make.

I may not recommend a 19 year old gets pregnant. But i would not judge them if they decide to keep and raise the baby and commit to being a parent

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:28

You cant leave uk education at 16. You have to have some for of education after that

Well you can. Plenty do. You may not be meant to, but that's a different matter.

lozzylizzy · 14/08/2017 12:31

I find it a rather immature view OP that you think everyone is the same. You can't base this couple on your own 20 somethings!

I got married one month after I turned 20. I am 32 now with 3 DCs. Kids are more of a lifechanger!

We have a good marriage, it actually requires little work to get on as we aren't selfish to one another naturally.

pigsDOfly · 14/08/2017 12:59

I agree with Lozzylizzy you can't base your judgement of this couple on your own DCs OP.

I have 3 DC all in their 30s, the youngest is getting married soon the older two are both in relationships.

The idea of any of them getting married at 20 would have been pretty awful tbh, they just would not have been ready or mature enough. But that's my kids, just because they weren't ready at that age doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of 20 year olds out there who are ready.

TheCraicDealer · 14/08/2017 13:13

Personally I think it's too young nowadays. DP and I have been together since I was 21 and I knew he was "the one" (eugh) pretty much straightaway. We didn't get married though, and I'm glad we didn't as I had a lovely quarter life/commitment crisis at 25/26 when I was, quite frankly, a bit of a mess. I'm now approaching 29 and now I've collected my sensibilities we're getting married next month.

Something I experienced and I think wasn't so relevant to the posters who've told us about their 25, 30, 35 year old unions is the impact of social media and FOMO. It takes two very committed and invested people to be together to not be drawn into feeling and acting on "the grass is greener"- seeing your peers out partying, meeting new people, travelling, spending money on trainers, cars and nail art and other glitzy shite. If it's a flash wedding then, rightly or wrongly, I'd think the "image" is important to them and they'd be prime candidates for divorce by FOMO.

The infantilisation of people in their early twenties is a natural progression of, generally, an extended education until 21/22, longer period to get qualified/settled in a career, house prices keeping higher numbers at home with their parents for longer, consequently then typically having their own households and families later and, as well, a much longer working life. It hasn't come out of nowhere.

The only ones I know who married young had at least one v religious partner. As statistically most marriages break down after 11 years we've still got a while to go before definative comment could be passed.