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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married aged 20

214 replies

1stDinkyDecker · 13/08/2017 17:02

AIBU to think 20 is just way too young?

I have two twenty somethings myself, and I can't imagine them getting married at the moment, even though they are both in long term relationships.

We have received an invitation to a wedding, the bride will be 20 at the time of the wedding and the groom 22.

I just don't feel comfortable with this, but maybe IABU?

OP posts:
EveryDayANewName · 13/08/2017 22:01

The reason I think getting married at 20 seems to be unnecessarily rushing things is that most people will have not long have left their parents home. I get that you can have been 'dating' for a long time before 20 but sting while living with parents is different from when you are older. I'm not suggesting it's not important or real just that it's different.

I also completely understand that you can travel and 'have fun' when you are married. As I mentioned I moved in with my DH when I was 18 and I still think he's just as lovely 35 years later. Even though we moved in together I didn't see the 'rush' to get married. I felt like we were a perfect match but it seemed sensible to wait a while before getting married.

This thread is full of posters saying how well it worked out for them but generally speaking it's very risky getting married so young.

Getting married young is unusual these days. @17 out of a 1000 women get married at 24 or younger ( ONS 2014 )

flowery · 13/08/2017 22:02

I've known DH since I was 14, so I'd known him 8 years when we got married. Don't think I "rushed into" anything really.

flowery · 13/08/2017 22:03

We'd also been living away from home 4 years before getting married, a year of that living together.

Coulddowithanap · 13/08/2017 22:05

Not sure what there is to feel uncomfortable about.

My parents were married at 19/20 and are just about to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

BizzyFizzy · 13/08/2017 22:06

I went straight from living at home with my parents to living with my husband as a married couple. It didn't seem weird to me.

I couldn't imagine playing the field and going out on dates. So happy to get off the shelf at a young age.

Gorgosparta · 13/08/2017 22:12

I get that you can have been 'dating' for a long time before 20 but sting while living with parents is different from when you are older

Does it matter that dating is different when away from parents. Everyone has difderent dating experiences.

Loads of people live at home until their late twenties or thirties. That would make them too young to get married at 30, following this logic. And they might not be. Because its down to the individuals concerned. Some people may not be mature enough for marriage at 25, at 30.

but generally speaking it's very risky getting married so young.

Getting married at any age is a big risk. Being over 25 doesnt change that.

ForeverLivingMyArse · 13/08/2017 22:22

My friendship group all married relatively young. We're mid 30s now and all of us were married by 26. All still going strong too.

I think we are starting to treat people in their 20s like extended teenagers and I have no idea why.

candypanda283 · 13/08/2017 22:30

I moved out when I was 17 so we had been living together 5 years...is that long enough to be allowed to get married? Jesus.

scrabbler3 · 13/08/2017 22:38

I agree with the comments about infantilising twentysomethings/extending adolescence. I'd much rather my sons were married at 22 than were still playing the field at 35, which I think is a bit pathetic.

I married at 30 and it failed. Friends of mine are still with their university boyfriends (now husbands). If you meet the right man at 18ish, you might as well go on to marry him.

It's also good that the groom isn't planning to get her pregnant and then declare than he doesn't "believe in marriage" or "can't afford a wedding". He sounds decent. We see the evidence on the Relationships board of men who refuse to commit to the mothers of their children, leaving them financially and legally vulnerable.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 13/08/2017 23:18

lots of my (mid 40's peers) who married their teen boyfriends/stayed with people they met at 16 are now empty nesters (and divorcing, in numbers) that said, many more of our friends who are our age seem to be doing the same as their kids hit 5-8 years of age.

wonder if there's something about being good at everything (career/home/travelling etc.) and then you have a couple or 3 kids and it all goes poof when life is not as easily manageable and you are used to some level of freedom/money/lack of drab processing kids.Maybe it's harder when the roles change? iyswim?

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 00:03

"I think we are starting to treat people in their 20s like extended teenagers and I have no idea why."

Eh? A 20 year old is ONE year away from being a teenager.

scaryteacher · 14/08/2017 00:05

I was 20 when I got married.....celebrating our 31st anniversary next month. It does work for some.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 00:07

"People have babies at that age or younger and make great parents.

How is that not a commitment?"

Teenage pregnancies are usually accidents (or at least that's generally what the parents claim).

Going to uni and starting a career are not lifelong commitments like marriage is.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 00:08

"Getting married at any age is a big risk. Being over 25 doesnt change that."

I'd argue that it does. It makes it less risky.

lalalalyra · 14/08/2017 00:41

I don't think getting married is anymore risky than buying a house or having children.

I actually think a younger couple doing either are quite wise to get married.

And the fact they don't have to be married to live together these days suggests to me they've probably thought it through.

Kursk · 14/08/2017 00:44

DH and I got together at 18, engaged at 21 and married at 24.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 00:47

"I don't think getting married is anymore risky than buying a house or having children."

Not many 20 year olds can afford to buy a house. As I mentioned above, not many 20 year olds will admit to a planned pregnancy either.

varvara · 14/08/2017 01:29

I know quite a few couples that have married around that age in the past decade. All still married, all with chlisten now, all a lot more mature than many people I know twice their age.

BoysofMelody · 14/08/2017 01:52

77 years ago this country was saved from invasion by the incredible heroism of the RAF, with a great many of the fighter pilots in the Battle of Britain being teenagers or in their very early 20s.

And how old do you think the poor sods were who died or who were seriously injured in Iraq and Afghanistan?

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 06:20

Teenage pregnancies are usually accidents (or at least that's generally what the parents claim).

Eh? Deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy or raising the baby is a commitement. So what if its an accident? It still a commitment. The biggest one you can make.

I'd argue that it does. It makes it less risky.

I would argue the differences are negligible.

Cocklodger · 14/08/2017 06:59

These threads always go the same way.
"But the divorce rate is higher among under 30s!"
The divorce rate is also higher among bartenders and dancers. No one would suggest they don't get married....
"But you're stifling your life settling down"
You can be in a committed relationship while travelling, studying, experimenting (albeit not sexually) having fun and new experiences. If another person weighs that down you likely
Shouldn't marry them as they're the wrong person for you, regardless of age.

"But don't you want to have sex with lots of people?!" I certainly didn't (I'm in my 30s now). I'm shit at dating and one night stands though. I really really hate it Grin

"People change" well yes. but even if you married at say 28+ and stayed together for 60 years are you seriously telling me you wouldn't have changed a lot? You can change and grow with people. Sometimes you'll suddenly become incompatible (you can see this among 40 year olds on the relationships board never mind wet behind the ears 20 year old).

Fwiw I do know of a young couple (21 and 23yrs old) who's marriage failed within a year everyone expected it to happen but then I also know of four others where all parties were at least 29.

Cailleach666 · 14/08/2017 07:02

No sweat, divorce is easy.

Pengggwn · 14/08/2017 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nomorebabiesyet · 14/08/2017 07:23

I got married at 20. Been 5 years and 3 kids later and we are happier than ever with pur own business. Why does only being 20 make you uncomfortable? Some girls/boys have kids at 16+ as that is the age of consent. How can you be too young for marriage but not kids Confused

rascallyrascal · 14/08/2017 07:33

My parents married when my mum was 17. 40 years later they are still very happily married. Some people meet the person they want to spend their life with early on. Good for them!