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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married aged 20

214 replies

1stDinkyDecker · 13/08/2017 17:02

AIBU to think 20 is just way too young?

I have two twenty somethings myself, and I can't imagine them getting married at the moment, even though they are both in long term relationships.

We have received an invitation to a wedding, the bride will be 20 at the time of the wedding and the groom 22.

I just don't feel comfortable with this, but maybe IABU?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/08/2017 17:34

Completely depends on the people. Grandparents gen most people were married in their early 20s.

Some people get married when they shouldn't in their 70s.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2017 17:36

acapellagirl'- maybe you weren't as ready or mature as you thought to get a mortgage etc at 20 if you couldn't go against what you felt was societal pressure to act like an adolescent in your 30's.

I bought my first flat at 23 in London because I needed somewhere to live and didn't want to waste money on rent. Never crossed my mind I wasn't allowed. That was 22 years ago though and there wasn't the nonsense there is now.

The people saying they married at 20 and have been with their husbands for 30 years or more are missing the point. That's what happened back then. Living together without being married wasn't as common as it is now. You almost had to get married.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 13/08/2017 17:36

My parents have been together since they were 14 and married at 17. They have their 45th Wedding Anniversary and my dm says she still gets butterflies in her stomach when my Dad comes to pick her up from work! I am so in awe of their relationship.

I do not think 20 is too young at all, 16 maybe but not 20.

Milliways · 13/08/2017 17:37

Me and DH were both 20 and married now for 31 years.
DD got married at 21, 5 years ago and still very happy.
DS is 22 and says no way yet. You have to know yourself.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 13/08/2017 17:37

I got married at 22 in 2012, so not ages ago. Living in London so getting married that young was unheard of amongst colleagues, friends etc and everyone assumed we were staunch Christians (in actual fact we'd been living together for 3 years and not religious in the slightest). Had masses of comments about how can we possibly be ready?

But, although it's only been 5 years, I'm confident it was the right decision. On our second house and second baby too, so maybe it's just our style to 'go for it'. Don't see the point in waiting to age in order to do stuff.

Tainbri · 13/08/2017 17:37

Marriages may or may not work out whatever age you are. If the couple in question feel it's what they want and are committed then good luck to them. Depends if there's more to their relationship that you're not saying other than just their age?

Partypolitics99 · 13/08/2017 17:38

I was engaged at 19 and married at 20. Married over 13 years with no regrets at all. I felt that one of my husbands aunts disapproved over my age. I just ignored the silly cow all day

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2017 17:38

gizmosslave getting married is only the cost of the registry office or do you mean you can't afford the big wedding?

Spangles1963 · 13/08/2017 17:38

Sounds far too young to me says she who got married at 19

BendydickCuminsnatch · 13/08/2017 17:39

Also yes to what pp are saying, my parents have been together since they were 15 and 17, no divorces in our family whatsoever, I think secure marriages do seem to run in families as far as I can see from relationships I see IRL.

crazycatgal · 13/08/2017 17:39

I'm 23 and have been with DP since 17. If we could afford it we would marry but are focusing on saving to buy our own house first. Early 20s is an adult, not a child. Marrying at 20 doesn't mean that you're any more likely to divorce.

Smoochyschmoo · 13/08/2017 17:41

We were 20 & 23 when we got married 12 years ago. At the time we never thought anything about our age and nor did anyone else mention it. Our parents were thrilled. Looking back now we have dc it seems quite young.

We had been together for 5 years at that point though so it wasn't a whirlwind romance.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 13/08/2017 17:41

I got engaged at 18, married at 21. We've been married 10 very happy years and are still very much happily married. We made the right choice.

If you don't feel like you can support this couples decision to get married at 'their age', then you can make the choice to not go to the wedding.

annandale · 13/08/2017 17:41

30 years ago was 1987 and living together might not have been quite so common as now but not much less imo. 40 years ago is more like it.

Marriage this young might become more common because there's no reason to wait - buying a house going to take decades etc. English and Welsh people traditionally married in their late 20s after they'd saved enough to establish a new household. The age of marriage didn't drop until the industrial revolution. I think it's bloody young, yes.

MiniAlphaBravo · 13/08/2017 17:42

It's definitely quite unusual today but I don't think there's anything wrong with it if the couple want to. I think it's quite sweet actually. You sound as if you think it's terribly inappropriate like they are 15 or something (I know this is illegal btw). One of my friends was 20, 13 years later still married and have 4 kids. They are happy. I wouldn't have wanted to personally but it is the right decision for some people. Perhaps try to be more supportive?

Chickoletta · 13/08/2017 17:43

DH and I got married at 23 and are very happy 14 years and 2 children later. Totally agree with what a PP said about society treating people as adolescents until they are 35!

The age at which they are gettin married is really none of your business, OP - go to their wedding if you support them, stay away if you don't.

Rhayader · 13/08/2017 17:43

I was married at 21 - 2DC and many years later we are very happy.

Statistically younger people are more likely to divorce, but theres not that much in it. There are other factors that are much more significant.

traw · 13/08/2017 17:48

I agree it's incredibly young, yes, and I got married not long after that so I'm not arbitrarily judging people.

You only realise as you get older just how "young" early 20-somethings are, and every year at work in HE they seem younger somehow, less mature and yet also more experienced, it's hard to put into words.

I have no doubt couples have and can make it work, but I'd bet anything that more don't these days.

On the plus side, if they make it work as we did, they'll "grow up" more together, and share so much of life.

woodhill · 13/08/2017 17:48

Dd married at 21, they seem happy.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/08/2017 17:48

I wouldn't encourage someone I know to get married that young, but I wouldn't be critical of someone that young getting married just because of their age. Statistics do show that younger brides and grooms are more likely to get divorced (as are people with a bigger age gap and people with bigger education gaps, and a whole host of other factors). But even if she ends up getting divorced it doesn't mean the marriage was a bad choice. It could still be right for her right now.

There are many ways to live a life. It's up to each individual to forge their path. Unless there's a reason to think this is something she doesn't really want to do, or it affects you in someway, or it is oppressive then it's not really your place to feel comfortable or uncomfortable about it is it? Why do you think that her life choices are suppose to be about conforming to what you like?

Birdsgottaf1y · 13/08/2017 17:50

If your going to split, then it would be better to be married than living together, it's more clear cut.

I don't see the difference in an ended marriage or an ended relationship were you've lived together, tbh.

I don't think MN represents the whole of the Country. Where I live, it wouldn't be considered young. It would be unusual because most don't bother with the Wedding, even after Children.

I don't understand what it is that would make you uncomfortable, unless the Bride was under some sort of duress.

pinkmagic1 · 13/08/2017 17:50

Until a generation ago this was quite normal. I agree with a pp that there is a lot of infantalisation of young people these days.
I was 18 when I got married and dh was 20. We celebrate our 20th anniversary next month.
I don't think marrying young is a bad thing. Yes, people change as the get older but you can grow and change together and you are also less set in your ways when younger.

TheKrakenSmith · 13/08/2017 17:51

I got married 2 years ago, at 20, to my now 29 year old husband, who I'd been with less than two years. I was still at uni!
No one that knew us as a couple had anything but lovely words, and although it's still early days, I'm happy.
My parents married at 25, and again (to different people) at 30ish and they're both on their third marriage, so, whatever works.
Go and support them or don't go at all.

Chamonix1 · 13/08/2017 17:52

Just don't go if you don't agree with their marriage. Fair enough to think it's too young but don't turn up and pretend otherwise.
I got married at 20, maybe I'll regret it. Maybe not. Pop back in 25 years and let you know.
FWIW I know plenty of people who have waited to get married and it's not worked out, I didn't think it was because they left it too late.

BrainSaysNo · 13/08/2017 17:52

I was married at 22 (in 2006 so not usual), most friends have been married in the last few years or not yet married.
But if my sister said she was getting married now (10 years younger)- I would be thinking oh no no no no no no Grin Grin
I'm still married and happy so its not that, but it does seem young from the outside looking in.

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