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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married aged 20

214 replies

1stDinkyDecker · 13/08/2017 17:02

AIBU to think 20 is just way too young?

I have two twenty somethings myself, and I can't imagine them getting married at the moment, even though they are both in long term relationships.

We have received an invitation to a wedding, the bride will be 20 at the time of the wedding and the groom 22.

I just don't feel comfortable with this, but maybe IABU?

OP posts:
Argeles · 13/08/2017 17:54

I think it's wonderful.

I was 23 when I got married, but I was ready at the age of 20, and would have done in a heartbeat, had it not been for my husband to be (now my husband) not popping the question until I was 21.

AVY1 · 13/08/2017 17:56

My DSis married at 20 but her husband is 8 years older than her. He's also from a very Christian country. They're both religious. I'm not sure how much that really played into it though.

I think they are the single happiest couple I know and don't doubt for a second that they'll last for their whole lives. You just have to see them together. I mean really they just married for love.

I think it entirely depends on the 20 year old just like it would on a 59 year old.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/08/2017 17:57

Engaged at 19, married at 21 (my husband is six years older than me). Still married now 35 years later. I also agree about the infantilisation of young people now. 77 years ago this country was saved from invasion by the incredible heroism of the RAF, with a great many of the fighter pilots in the Battle of Britain being teenagers or in their very early 20s.

I also think it's a pity so many people leave having children so late. I was just 30 when my daughter was born, which worked well. I'd have been utterly knackered if I'd been 40 and going through all those sleepless nights, especially with the menopause on the horizon. There's also the issue of declining fertility and increased risk of all sorts of complications in the pregnancy as you and your partner get older, and having very elderly grandparents who aren't fit enough to help out.

Re not being able to afford marriage - I echo other posters here. What you mean is you can't afford a big wedding. Fair enough, but if you are having a child as an unmarried couple, do look very carefully at the position you would be in if you split up. You would have no claim on your partner's assets at all except for child maintenance, and if you are a SAHM you could be left up the creek financially. Think about having a nice small, simple wedding just so you can get the legal protection of marriage.

Original poster
1stDinkyDecker · 13/08/2017 17:57

Well you lot got me thinking :)

You're right in saying that marriages may not last whatever the age of the bride and groom

I met DH aged 20, we are married and still together over 30 years later

Just looking at them, they seem so very young

Of course I hope they'll be happy

OP posts:
susannahmoodie · 13/08/2017 17:59

I got married at 24. Still v happy nearly 10 yrs later.

My mum was 21 when she got married and my parents have just celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. I know this was more
The norm then.

Agree it's Not your place to feel uncomfortable.

Gorgosparta · 13/08/2017 18:00

I got engage at 18 and married at 20.

Had dd at 22.

I am 35 and still with dh. And happy. Very happy.

I have known plenty of people older get married and it doesnt last 5 years. One didnt even last a year.

Its not your decisoon to make or to approve. Even if it doesnt work out, it may not because of their age. It may not have worked out if they waited 10 years.

Tbh it would piss me off that someone i invited to my wedding judging me.

BizzyFizzy · 13/08/2017 18:01

DH and I were 23 and 21. We've been married for over 30 years.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/08/2017 18:02

As for living together before marriage - it was less usual in the early 80s, but far from unknown. What was unusual was living together for decades without ever getting round to getting married. Cohabiting for a few months or a couple of years before getting married started to become common during the 70s, I would say.

ladyyyglittersparkles · 13/08/2017 18:04

ODFOD. I got married six days after my 22nd birthday and my daughter came along the following summer

Yogagirl123 · 13/08/2017 18:06

DH and I met at 17, married at 23, had two children 5 years later, we have always been happy and are still very much in love.

Disn3yN3rd · 13/08/2017 18:07

YABU.

It's not up to you to feel comfortable with their upcoming marriage. Just because you cannot imagine your twenty something's to make such a commitment doesn't mean everyone is the same.

My DH and I got married when I was 22 and he was 24. We often say we wish we had done it earlier. We've been married 10 years now and together for 15.

TartanDMs · 13/08/2017 18:07

I was due to marry at 21 but got pregnant so we postponed the wedding for a year and I was 22, he was 44. We are just about to celebrate 16 years married, 18 years together.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 13/08/2017 18:10

Bought a house at 19, married at 22, 48 now and still very happy.....

I don't think it's the number that counts but the maturity....

kel1234 · 13/08/2017 18:12

It doesn't matter how old they are. If they want to get married, then why not. One hopes its for the right reasons of course, but regardless, it's their choice.
I was 22 when I got married. I knew it was right. You probably will say we were wrong op, but still. We met in April 2014, got together in May 2014, started ttc in July 2014, moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out about the pregnancy in December 2014, got engaged in January 2015, got married in April 2015, and our baby was due in August, but born in September 2015.
I know a lot of people will say it was too quick, to be ttc within 2 months, and to get married on the date we'd been together for 11 months. I know it's quick, to be married within a year of meeting and being together. But when you know, you know.

Sarikiz · 13/08/2017 18:14

YABU you have no right set an age when people should marry.
if you dont feel comfortable dont go to the wedding. Stop sitting in judgement

pigsDOfly · 13/08/2017 18:16

Not sure why you should feel uncomfortable with the idea of someone getting married at 20 OP unless it's a forced marriage.

And as far as being old enough, that very much depends on the individuals.

I was nearly 29 when I got married and the man I married was 41. Turned out he was far too immature to understand what being in a marriage entailed. We divorced 20 years later. Marriages end, surely that's down to the people involved rather than their ages.

Ohyesiam · 13/08/2017 18:16

Works for some people.
It could either be a fairy tale or a waste of young life.

AHobbyaweek · 13/08/2017 18:18

I was 20, DH 22 when we got married, 6 years ago. So it might not be a generational thing. Now we have a DD 1.5years and just buying our first house. We are very happy and I have other friends who got married at similar ages that are still together.

squoosh · 13/08/2017 18:20

Far too young to get married.

But you either go and say 'oh how lovely' or you politely decline the invitation.

LazaUbi · 13/08/2017 18:22

Research shows that couples who marry young are far more likely to divorce. Even waiting to 25 makes you 50% less likely to divorce than someone who marries at 20. It makes a big difference.

But that difference is statistical. It tells us nothing about this particular couple. It's a bit weird to go to a wedding even thinking about whether a couple will stay together or not. I'm sure they don't need or want guests who pass judgement on their relationship.

Gorgosparta · 13/08/2017 18:24

Far too young to get married.

You know this couple? Because if you dont, you can't really say that with any certainty.

squoosh · 13/08/2017 18:26

It's a bit weird to go to a wedding even thinking about whether a couple will stay together or not.'

Not necessarily. I went to a wedding where there was a lot of whispering from people not expecting it to go the distance. Very bad manners from the wedding guests I'm sure.

But the couple did split up, just a few weeks after the honeymoon (!) so clearly people could see the writing on the wall.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/08/2017 18:27

Thanks for your concern about my marriage. Uncomfortably (for you) DH and I were both early twenties. We are very happy, dont trouble yourself.

mydogisthebest · 13/08/2017 18:28

It depends on the couple really. Some people are grown up at 20 and some still act like children.

My sister married at 21 and has been married 36 years.

It's lovely reading all the posts from people who got married young and are still happily married. I must admit that apart from my sister I think all the couples I know that married young ended up divorced

itsnotterrysitsmine · 13/08/2017 18:28

DH & I got married at 19 in 2004, so perfectly acceptable for us to have just lived together. Most people said it wouldn't last a year, 13 years on we're closer than ever. We've not had an easy ride of it either, but we've got through the hard times together & have grown together.