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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting married aged 20

214 replies

1stDinkyDecker · 13/08/2017 17:02

AIBU to think 20 is just way too young?

I have two twenty somethings myself, and I can't imagine them getting married at the moment, even though they are both in long term relationships.

We have received an invitation to a wedding, the bride will be 20 at the time of the wedding and the groom 22.

I just don't feel comfortable with this, but maybe IABU?

OP posts:
squoosh · 13/08/2017 18:30

You know this couple? Because if you dont, you can't really say that with any certainty.

All we can go on on MN threads are the details provided in the OP. I think 20 is too young. You don't. We're both happy with our response.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/08/2017 18:30

Oh i forgot -YABU.

And I think a PP made a very valid point about growing up these days - I'm not sure where the attitude of people under 30 being too young to make any commitments will get us.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/08/2017 18:31

It must be hard now putting together meaningful statistics on relationship breakdown. If a couple get together in their teens or early 20s, they're not so likely now to get married at that age, so if they split up (as a lot of them will) it won't show up in any official stats. Whereas if they did happen to get married, and then split up, the divorce will be in the government stats.

As far as I'm aware, all the research done in this area shows that couples who get married are more likely to stay together long term than couples who don't. Age of marriage is obviously a separate factor.

MrsJoker · 13/08/2017 18:32

I got engaged at 17, mortgage at 18, married at 19, my First child was born when I was 20, my second at 21. My husband is a year older and we have clocked up 26 years of marriage. We heard a fair amount of well meaning advice/judgemental statements when we announced our intentions. I have also been asked if we were from religious or conservative families (nope, and we are both lifelong atheists). People assumed I was pregnant (no) and we both are well educated professionals. We just wanted to get married and have a life together and as we were both adults we did just that.
If you have any negative thoughts about this union, I would keep them to yourself. It's really none of your business and if you can't just go to the wedding and wish them well, you should just politely decline.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 13/08/2017 18:35

We went to a Diamond Wedding anniversary party recently. I think the bride and groom were 22 when they married.

Notreallyarsed · 13/08/2017 18:35

My best friend met her husband when she was 13, they married when she was 16 and had their daughter when she was 17. They were the kind of couple that give the rest of us hope. She died when they'd been married for 28 years, and they were absolutely crazy about each other.

loveliesbleeding1 · 13/08/2017 18:35

I married dh when I was 19 and he was 22 in 1995.we are still going strong, so yes it can work,marriage can fail no matter how old you are.

BroomstickOfLove · 13/08/2017 18:36

Of the people I know who married in their very early twenties, two couples are still together. One of those couples were actually very unconventional in all other ways, but had a very old-school wedding in that they had a small unfussy ceremony and a disco in a pub at the point when they bought a house together. The other ones hadn't been dating long, but were clearly in the relationship that would eventually lead to marriage at the point when the bride git pregnant.

Lots of my more religious friends got married shortly after graduation. They are all divorced. I think they were motivated more by lust than the potential for long term compatibility.

Wotrewelookinat · 13/08/2017 18:37

My husband got married to his first wife at 21, the marriage lasted 3 years, he realised in retrospect that they just weren't mature enough. I know anther couple who got married at 17 (wife) and 20 (husband). That are sill together 45 years later!

Gorgosparta · 13/08/2017 18:38

All we can go on on MN threads are the details provided in the OP. I think 20 is too young. You don't. We're both happy with our response.

You made a sweeping statment that categorically stated it was too young. One that can not be proved.

squoosh · 13/08/2017 18:38

You made a sweeping statment that categorically stated it was too young. One that can not be proved.

I don't need to prove anything. It's called an opinion.

BayLeaves · 13/08/2017 18:39

How judgemental Biscuit

I got married at 22, we are now 27 with two lovely kids, looking forward to celebrating our 5th anniversary this year, and also pretty happy that we have settled down and had kids early on in life so we can enjoy being "young parents" and once we are in our 40s the kids will be older and we'll have more freedom again. Meanwhile some of my friends will only just be getting married and having young kids at that point. Nothing wrong with that but we are happier with the way we've done it!

RebeccaWrongDaily · 13/08/2017 18:39

i wouldn't want mine to marry at that age. Possibly because I took on adult commitments at that age myself (mortgage and children) Things were easier at that time (in terms of housing etc so I don't regret that, or the kids) but I wouldn't want mine to be saddled with responsibility that young, it makes life so much harder and the world so much smaller. I don't mind if they live with someone etc but would prefer them to not make any lifelong commitments (ie joint mortgages / children/ marriage) so young.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/08/2017 18:40

Broomstick yes i must admit i find that hard to get my head around - i couldnt imagine marrying someone i hadnt spent the night with (both euphemismistically speaking and literally). But there it is.

BayLeaves · 13/08/2017 18:40

I don't need to prove anything. It's called an opinion.

It's a judgemental and frankly ageist opinion. Imagine if I said that in my opinion, 40 is too old to get married, or that 35 is too old to have kids. I don't think that would go down very well.

Yewtown · 13/08/2017 18:41

I got married on my 20th birthday, still happy 31 years later. Don't dismiss something just because it Wouldn't have been your choice. If the couple are marrying because they want to be together rather than wanting a big wedding it has every chance of working out.

KindergartenKop · 13/08/2017 18:41

We got married at 23, 8 years ago. Still together.
We are middle class and it was very young for our peer group. I have no regrets though.

squoosh · 13/08/2017 18:41

I can live with that. All opinions are judgemental by nature. We make a judgement and come down on one side or the other.

Katedotness1963 · 13/08/2017 18:42

I was 21 when we got married. We're coming up on our 33 year anniversary.

HotelEuphoria · 13/08/2017 18:43

I think it's young, yes, they may change their minds, yes. But being uncomfortable is rather OTT.

Hassled · 13/08/2017 18:48

I think what you can tell from this thread is that it depends on the people involved. I was 21 when I first married and it was a disaster - we were both too young, too immature, too self-involved for it ever to have worked. And too young to make a sensible judgement about our basic compatibility. But others here obviously had that maturity and judgement I didn't.

n0ne · 13/08/2017 18:51

YANBU. Got married the first time at 20, lasted 4 years. You still have so much growing up to do at that age (don't care if I get flamed for that, in most cases it's true) and there is so much opportunity for the couple to grow in different directions. As happened to us.

I'm obviously a bitch but I don't think I'd go to the wedding.

hedgebitch · 13/08/2017 18:51

I was 25 when I got married. I wouldn't have been ready for it earlier and I think a lot of people change a lot in the first half of their twenties, so if they sought my advice I'd say wait. But since they haven't, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and be happy for them.

EveryDayANewName · 13/08/2017 18:52

Love all the examples of successful young love but it doesn't change the fact that unless there are religious or cultural reason to marry so young it's a bit daft. I say that as someone who moved in with my DH when I was 18 which was nearly 35 years ago. 😊
I have DC in their early/mid 20's who are in long term stable and loving relationships. The live with their partners and I'd see no reason for their relationships not to last. However, I'd be privately horrified if they said they were getting married. I'd think it silly and immature. I wouldn't be able to understand what the huge rush would be. 🤷🏻‍♀️ There is nothing wrong with getting married but why see it as a race. I'd always suggest waiting a few years. If you are planning to be together for the rest of your lives why not wait a few years. Most People change and mature over the years but the changes are often the most notable when they are younger. I think even waiting a few years until you are mid twenties would make a huge difference.

To counter all the happy young marriage stories on this thread each of the three 'young' couples I know whose weddings I attended are now divorced.

One only lasted a couple of months Shock Hmm

Obviously if someone told me they were getting married at a young age I wouldn't say anything. The only exception would be if it were one of my own children and they asked my advice.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/08/2017 18:53

YANBU. 20 is too young these days. Saying your grandmother married at 20 is obviously a completely different thing - people had different expectations in those days. I was talking to friends recently and asking each other when we really felt like adults. For most of us it was around 25. Some people may feel grown up earlier of course, but that in itself can be a sign of immaturity. We generally change a lot more when we're younger than we do when we're older and a 20 year old won't have much experience of living as an independent adult.