To be so fucked off with my toddlers behaviour

[cassiebabie]

My toddler has just tried to head butt my partner after being told off for hitting and trying to kick.
He seems angry a lot of time. Will hit for no reason, scream if he doesn't get his own way.
Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand he will just stop and start screaming like a banshee. Then he will run at you, hurting himself more. If you don't acknowledge him he will scratch or bite you
I've just had to turn tv off as he is on his bike purposly crashing into things like his table or his sister's bouncer.
I'm so fucking fed up of being in tears at this behaviour. Is it normal? What can I do please

Your child behaviour is little normal but not always .You will have to discipline him a little .There is a naughty spot trick I picked up from supernanny whereby when a child doesnt behaves properly he is made to sit for 5 min on the naughty spot .

Morever routine (ROUTINE) is very important for kids .If you develop one it will be very helpful for you both .I would suggest go to parks a little more outside since they have bags full of energy which need to be drained out .
Also dont forget to HUG after naughty spot trick .

Maybe the fact that the posters recommending supernanny and naughty steps still continued to experience these behaviours suggests a limitation of those techniques too...

I feel for the child as much as for the OP. You used some pretty harsh language there. As others have suggested before, positive attention - while being gentle but firm on the few rules that are really necessary - is likely to get you a lot further than getting harsh on him. I would add an nth recommendation for Aha Parenting.

We barely ever experienced these behaviours that are supposed to be "normal" for this age. I am sure it's partly due to our child's personality (and we have had our share of difficulties in other respects). But I can't help but think that the following techniques have been helpful:

• prioritise his emotional needs over everything else - make him feel loved, loved, loved

• prioritise his biological needs over everything other than feeling loved (not that the two were really in conflict) - i.e. rigorously making sure he got enough sleep, was never hungry or thirsty. We get cranky as adults when we are tired, hungry or thirsty - imagine how much harder it is for little children to manage their emotions in such a situation

• model and give to him the same kind of respect that we expect in return - when I do lay down the law, I always explain why; I try not to be unreasonable or act like an all-powerful, irritable dictator

• try to make games out of as much as possible to make it more fun for him to pick up good habits.

All this is not a recommendation to spoil him. The opposite. It facilitates the effective teaching of polite and considerate behaviour in a conflict-free setting.

Why would you not want to hold his hand when walking on the street, for example? Take all the opportunities to hold hands while you have the chance! And if your hands are sometimes really full, explain that to your toddler and promise to compensate with extra hugs afterwards, or on every corner...

Why would you not acknowledge him ever? He should not scratch and bite, but neither should you stonewall him, and you are the adult who should know better.

It might seem more tiring to make daily life more fun and child-friendly in the short run, but it would benefit everyone - you might even start enjoying it!

Turn the TV off and take him the park

Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand

Why aren't you taking his hand?

He won't understand why his toys aren't there and I agree with others that he is probably bored and frustrated. I think giving them back, playing with him to show him 'how' to play and then praising him when he plays nicely/kindly would be a good first step?

He's trying to get your attention/ is bored and wants you to play with him

you've got the discipline down ... but it doesn't work unless its balanced with lots of attention and lots praise for good behaviour.

sorry I don't mean to sound harsh; I know its much easier said than done especially with a baby.

I find getting outside as much as possible, or if its not nice to activities and toddler groups to burn off energy, helps.

also agree that redirecting bad behaviour at this age is also a great way of dealing with it.

for example, we don't bash into things with our bike. Let's take it outside and see how fast we can go!

If he can''t express why he is spitting, perhaps help him with giving voice to his emotions.

Get lots of pictures of different facial expressions (like the 0 - 10 pain scale they use in hospitals, simple pictures) It might work with emoji's if you can find good ones to print out.

Then give words to the pictures.

"Happy", "sad", "frustrated","angry","excited", "bored", "confused"

do this when he is receptive, eg ready to play with you.

Reinforce, by over exaggerating your miming some of them. Get him to join in.

Look through some of his reading books find some more examples.

Then during the day, identify when he is happy, show him the pictures and say you look happy like this....

Then do it also when he is not doing something he likes... see if he can communicate his feelings to you that way. Giving him a voice to communicate his emotions in a good non-confrontational way.

Doesn't bode well for the child with your language on a public site

How is he expected to entertain himself with no toys and no one playing with him! I got NOTHING done at home when my son was that age. You need to take him outside to run and jump and get muddy. Doesn't take money, looking for 5 different kinds of leaves, four animals etc. Helping hang the washing out, put stuff away. Heavens only knows how many cookies we ate - because cookies are easy to make!. Free activities are run by church groups and museums. Yes, these activities are boring for you, but it's not for you - except it is, because without stimulation he will drive you nuts! And hold his hand - it's not for long - soon enough they don't want to, enjoy it while he wants to.

You sound angry with him and I wonder if you are picking up on each other's anger and so things are just escalating a bit?

If you're a reader I recommend How to talk so kids will listen and Toddler Calm

He needs to be outside or doing lots of physical stuff indoors - building dens with sofa cushions, dancing to the radio, exercises, splashing in the bath, pillow jumping etc. Cosmic Yoga on You Tube that you can do together is great but he may be a bit young for it still for long

Distraction, attention and active engagement rather than punishment (which doesn't mean not explaining that it is wrong to bite, spit etc.)

Get out with him every day. If soft play too far then playpark with all in one waterproofs!

Good luck and they get easier x

I came to say the same as willitbe. Look at how you can promote his language and recognistion of his emotions.

Zombie thread much.

Has the OP even come back yet?

Dear OP - this sounds awful, but first take comfort from the fact that this is what they call 'situation specific' meaning it doesn't happen all the time, it only occurs with you. That doesn't sound great when I put it like that but it means there is nothing developmentally or mentally wrong with him, but that he acts like this for a reason with you.

There could be several different reasons why he is behaving this way and several have been flagged up here - jealousy of his new sibling/your new partner, too much energy, craving your attention, a reaction to his dad leaving, reactions to his witnessing DV when he was non-verbal which can lead to young children developing PTSD. The fact they can't talk when they see these things doesn't mean it doesn't impact on them.

The truth is it is it is probably a combination of all these and more. And none of them are your fault.

You have had some great advice on here. Reward his good behaviour. Give him physical outlets for his excess energy and emotions. Pay attention to his bad moods and try to name the emotions you see (e.g. you are angry because xxx' or 'you feel left out because yyyy'. Try and contact a help agency that works with young children or survivors of Domestic Abuse. Give him very specific boundaries for unacceptable behaviour and be consistent in enforcing these. Turn a blind eye to anything you haven't made rules about. And equally be consistent in acknowledging anything good you see. He needs to know you love him and that he matters to you.

You and he sound very in tune, very unhappy and very connected. With time and love and help I am sure you can get through this. Don't try to tough it out on your own.

At the very real risk of having my face set on fire because i am a/ not a parent of a toddler and b/ going to apply dog behaviour modification methods...

He is frustrated, he cannot communicate clearly, he lacks the motorskills to achieve the goals he is trying to achieve or the ability to explain what the problem is.

He is attention seeking because he feels the need to do that - so for him, that need is REAL even if you don't think it is.

You are failing to resolve the situation because all of your efforts are geared towards stopping the behaviour you do not like, punishing the behaviour you do not like...

You should be looking at finding out WHY the behaviour happens, offering appropriate outlets for behaviours, finding out how to avoid certain behaviours.... and THEN your methods like time outs MIGHT have a useful effect.

Time outs btw are ONLY useful when you have addressed all the other aspects, otherwise all they will do is build frustration and since the problem behaviours are almost all to do with attention and frustration thats definitely going to make matters worse.

Time outs are also only effective when they are crystal clear, consistent and fast - most peoples time outs are fuzzy, long winded, not clear as to what behaviour triggered them and not remotely consistent and again this will ramp up the frustration!

If he is throwing toys after trying to play and failing to achieve his goal, are the toys actually suitable for him?

Can you help him? Encourage him to talk about what he is struggling with and how you could help?
Can you redirect him into a more achievable form of play with that toy, or with a different toy?

The more frustrated he gets the more he actually needs your attention but will be unable to ask for it nicely, and the less able he will be to tolerate having to wait.

When I had my second child my older child's behaviour (then 2 and 1/2) went downhill rapidly and it lasted for a good year. In fact, she is now 5 and only just come out of it.

A lot of what you are describing is normal, but it depends whether he is just being this way with you/your partner or whether it's towards other children outside the home as well. The anger towards you is probably due to the fact that he is now having to share your attention. If it's happening when you are not around - nursery, in play groups and towards others, then I would be worried and perhaps getting advice from a children's centre / health visitor on ways to manage his behaviour and helpful responses.

It's really hard - I feel for you. At times I felt a degree of dislike towards my older child but you have to keep reminding yourself that they are going through a difficult time as having to compete with the new baby is traumatic for them.

Show lots of love and praise and try to be as understanding as you can. It will get better.

It does help to put them in a situation where other Kids are behaving and there is a lot of discipline, like a Martial Arts club etc, at the moment you are having proverbial headbutting competition with a Toddler.

Op, it sounds as though you and your boy have had a horrible situation and now you've got stuck into a destructive spiral. You're unhappy, angry and frustrated, he's unhappy angry and frustrated and trying every way to get your attention. The more he does the further away you would like to be. Lots of us have been there. Loads of good advice on this thread, make sure your son isn't hungry/ overtired/ bored and make sure that he gets more attention (hugs, praise, games, songs) when he's well behaved. Every time he does something you ask, thank him. Smile! Take some time for yourself if you can and try to find some friends- you're having a tough time. Also, sometimes the downside of sending a 3 year old to nursery is that you get a tired overstimulated kid back again for the rest of the day.

This popped up on my FB feed this morning. May be helpful?
www.handinhandparenting.org/2016/02/20-playful-ways-to-heal-aggression/

I had this exact same with my DS, I did a 'parent survival course' which was free, run by Manchester City Council and cannot recommend it enough, don't re put off the the cheesy name, if you can do it, DO IT, it saved my mind, good luck xx

www.thebiglifegroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Autumn-Parent-Survival-Courses-in-Manchester-2017.pdf