To be so fucked off with my toddlers behaviour

[cassiebabie]

My toddler has just tried to head butt my partner after being told off for hitting and trying to kick.
He seems angry a lot of time. Will hit for no reason, scream if he doesn't get his own way.
Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand he will just stop and start screaming like a banshee. Then he will run at you, hurting himself more. If you don't acknowledge him he will scratch or bite you
I've just had to turn tv off as he is on his bike purposly crashing into things like his table or his sister's bouncer.
I'm so fucking fed up of being in tears at this behaviour. Is it normal? What can I do please

I can identify with some aspects of this, though I'm lucky in that my DP (who is the father of our DS) is very involved.

Our DS is two and is a bit of a demon for biting, scratching, etc. This is definitely behaviour he does to get a reaction - with the piece de resistance being yanking our glasses off our faces. Sometimes this is in response to "being thwarted" (not being allowed to grab the cat's tail/eat cat food/play with the oven, etc). Sometimes, and I find this much harder to deal with, it comes out of nowhere and this is often directed at DP.

We think there are a number of reasons for this, one being that he sees DP (and in fact other male relatives such as my DSis's fiancé when he and my DSis, who he adores, are around) as a rival for my (DSis/preferred female relative) attention and affection. He also has relatively few words, though we get new ones each week, and I'm sure some of it is frustration, even though he often communicates very clearly what he wants.

What we have found helps includes the following:

• if he scratches/hits, we hold his hands and tell him calmly that we don't hit/bite, etc. If he persists, I warn him that I'll move him, eg at soft play that he'll have to go and sit in his pushchair if he continues.

If he does, I follow through, and give him a minute and see if he's willing to "apologise" (he pats gently as a peace offering!) or whether he carries on scratching. If the latter, I say Oh Dear in a very matter-of-fact way and amble off, returning a minute later to see if things have changed. When he "apologises", we hug and start again.

The main things that make a difference to us are enough sleep, lots of positive attention, and loads of being out and about - garden, park, etc. He likes us to play with him but it doesn't have to be anything expensive - football is always good, this week's favourite is toys down the slide, he finds it hilarious to "do gymnastics" with me and watch me do handstands good job our garden isn't overlooked

We only ever remove toys momentarily and if the toy in question is, for example, being flung.

I can confirm that staying calm helps! I think his behaviour has been exacerbated by a house move and a degree of uncertainty at home, so we're trying to keep everything very calm and gentle where possible.

I really sympathise, it's hard work, and especially if it's directed at your DP as well - how does he react?

Oh yeah, and don't compare too much - mine has always been awful for sleep at night but a dream to take out and about, dead picky with food but great concentration span for books, etc. They are all very different!

I really hope you can access some more support, dealing with toddler tantrums without it must be a thousand times more difficult

please don't think I'm judging his speech. My eldest son was actually in a very similar situation -domestic violence in his past, running wild, speech delay, could not would not listen, could not would not stand still.

He was referred to CAAMHS when he was 5 and when he was 7 he saw an occupational therapist. He needed more physical stimulation. This really helped him, which is why I am suggesting it for your son.

Some children can be adequately stimulated with cuddles, conversation and Peppa Pig and develop by the book (my Ds2) . Some children need more. It doesn't mean you've done too little, it means they need more. Ds1 needed more and your son sounds a lot like him.

A 5 minute attention span for a three year old is good. As a teacher we go by the rule of thumb of a minutes of attention per year. So I would expect a 3 year old to have an attention span of 3 minutes.

Depends on the weather you're getting in your neck of the woods, but if he enjoys swimming couldn't you get a big paddling pool? If it was big enough for his sister to go into it too in a float then it's something you could all spend half an hour or so at together, and as a pp mentioned you could encourage him to show his sister what he can do in the water.

Hey cassie, how are you doing today?

Was yesterday any better? Have you got a plan in place now that you're happy with?

He wants attention from you... try to find positives about him & start to spend time with him just you & him, also get your bf to take him out once a week, some bonding seems in order there!
You will get his bad behaviour cos you are his mum. This is normal, you just have to be strong &remind yourself that it won't last.
I would be introducing toys downstairs, so instead of taking things away when he's naughty, reward him with things when he behaves well, be clear about what you want him to do. We often get into the habit of punishing the bad stuff & forget about the rewards. That way you won't feel you're always telling him off etc.
You aren't alone. But it does not last I can assure you.
Ia your health visitor any good?

Ok so he launches toys/his bike. Do you take him to art & craft classes? Do you read aloud to him? How do you stimulate him? Is he taken to the park to run around? 40 mins for softplay is nothing really - I go further for mine it's only once or twice a week - but that you've dismissed something he enjoys so easily suggests you probably overlook him a lot. My advice? Put your baby with a childminder/nursery/granny a few times a week, and spend quality time with your son.

First of all - sending you a big hug x. You may have already tried this, but getting him outdoors (wild, in the woods, outdoors if possible, but park or playground if not) twice, or - depending how early your days begin - three times a day will definitely help if done regularly. Let him run, shout, blow off steam.....and then he'll start to come to you with things he wants to show and teach you - that's your 'in' and that's where the magic happens. I don't know your family, so I don't want to discourage you at all from advice you're happy with, but I feel that sometimes it's just that there is so very much thought and emotion going on in a very little body that the only way out is like a volcano........and you have to give it time, space and patience x

It can be a personality and age thing. Both my sons were high energy / boisterous at this age. They were never as easy to discipline as other children with calmer personalities. They would be full on wrestling and getting up to mischief. Any punishment was water of a ducks back.I had more success with reward charts. Try giving loads of attention and praise for good behavior instead of him getting more attention when he misbehaves.

My children are now 5 and 7 and becoming a bit more calm as they mature. They both are well behaved in school and mostly well behaved at home- although not always.

Don't overthink this too much - just continue trying to teach him the correct way to behave. It can be stressful but hopefully it will pass. Don't assume that the child at the nursery with the perfect behavior is superior to your child or that her parent is superior to you. Embrace your child's personality and be proud of him - while trying to teach the acceptable ways to behave. He will get there eventually.

Try to replace the words naughty and defiant, in your brain, with attention-seeking / angry / tired/ hungry/ jealous/ bored. Because ime that is often what it is. What appears to an adult to be deliberate misbehaviour, to make your life difficult, is probably often one of the above list.
How to talk so little kids will listen is a book with useful ideas.

I would teach him a few words that he can say to get your attention in a more positive way. It sounds like his communication (so his connection with you) relates to getting in trouble. Don't let the poor behaviour become the focus. Turn your back when he miss-behaves and try to ignore him for a few seconds until he stops. When he does stop turn around and continue as normal, maybe saying nice behaviour now, that's better, good boy! He maybe doesn't know what he should be doing, so try to show him what good behaviour is and praise him when he does it. Positive reinforcement is the only way out of this! So show him if he says "story" you scoop him up and read to him for 5 minutes. If he says "cuddle" you give him a cuddle etc. Positive interaction and attention from you will help. I know it's not easy but hang in there, you will get there. These challenging stages do eventually pass. x

I think it's totally normal. I have a two and a half year old and a five year old and we've just been through all this with the toddler... lots of biting and tantrums. I think it's just a phase - and with ours I think it was definitley alot of fustration at not being able to communicate,I cant remember it as much with the five year old but that was probably because he had all the attention and he was speaking much earlier. It's really tough I know. Chin up hun. It'll pass and then another phase comes seemingly from out of nowhere xx
(ps. I did get headbutted by mine! Right in the mouth. Ouch!)

Your child is 3 with the understanding and needs of a 3 year old including toys and activities and proper boundaries as it is you have removed every toy leaving a board boisterous toddler who should be learning and interacting not just being good in a corner with a bike(out door toy no room not to hit others) What would you expect him to do all day.....considering that time out if used is a minute per year of their age so expecting him to play and be good with a bike all day is like giving you a duster and saying spend the next 3 hours dusting a shelf but don't drop anything don't make a mess and don't bother anyone......whilst seeing your best friend have lots of interesting jobs to do ( your baby presumable is not just sitting in the bouncer all day).

This is a great point. My friend as a young kid would go nuts on orange squash (Tartazine), she'd go wild like a banshee

Does your son have any contact with his violent father op?

Aha Parenting. Laura Markham.

My eldest was a bit like this OP. It's wearing and I know it's hard when you have day after day of it. Can you ask nursery what kind of things he enjoys there and then do some at home? Things like getting a cheap can of shaving foam and letting him drive his cars around in it in a tub outside or filling a box with cornflakes and letting him put some farm animals in it saying its crunchy autumn leaves, silly selfies on your phone to send to DP at work etc? Stuff he's not expecting you to do that's really fun. It's hard work especially when you've got a new baby and are tired but it will pay off. And if in doubt, stick CBeebies on for a bit :-)

Take deep breaths, be super patient with him and try and look for the positives in each day, don't let 5 mins of spitting or him hitting, detract from the fact he played outside nicely with you for half an hour for example. Hope things improve for you.

Please try and remember he's a little child. Not "a boy" and certainly not anything like his father.

The DV wasn't your fault

OMG I feel for you OP! But he sounds bored. Which is probably one of the reasons why his behaviour is much less challenging when he is at nursery - other children to play with, lots of activities, boundaries put in place and focus on the positive behaviour. Hard to do, but possible. And anything is worth trying. It's exhausting but perhaps as others have suggested - give him some one to one time with you. Lots of cuddles and praise when he is not spitting, kicking etc etc. Do you have an outside space, park nearby. He'll need to run around and use up that massive amount of excess energy that 3 year olds have too. All the best with this OP

I'd take toys away for a short period but he has to get them back to have a chance at learning to play nicely with them. I've noticed my toddler responds bettter to instruction than saying no all the time so if he's being rough - instead of no, I tell him to be gentle and that seems to work a lot better. I'm guessing it gives him more of an idea of what's expected of him. Is there a park near you where he can run off some of his energy & be as destructive as he likes outside?

I just wanted to say don't discount sibling rivalry just because it has gone on for longer than the 5 months. Your being preoccupied with the new baby (therefore less with him) will have started whilst you were pregnant and is absolutely normal.

He sounds bored and in need of company. The fact he's well behaved at nursery suggests he needs peers to play with. I would do my utmost to make friends with other mums, have playdates and go to toddler groups. Go for a daily walk to a big park or playground where he can run free and socialise. Soft play isn't a 'reward' but a chance to let off steam and develop climbing skills.

My two year old is very active and gets destructive if she's indoors all day. She starts banging things on the TV, spitting and throwing toys to get my attention. I rotate her toys every few days so she doesn't get bored of them. Swimming, long walks and toddler groups also calm her down. We play lots of games at home, especially physical games like catching balls, throwing beanbags into a bucket, obstacle courses etc.

Good luck!

I can't contemplate how much of a horror my toddler of the same age would be without lots of toys, loads of attention and at least one (often two) trips out of the house every day. I think more for him to do and more attention would be good starting points.