To be so fucked off with my toddlers behaviour

[cassiebabie]

My toddler has just tried to head butt my partner after being told off for hitting and trying to kick.
He seems angry a lot of time. Will hit for no reason, scream if he doesn't get his own way.
Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand he will just stop and start screaming like a banshee. Then he will run at you, hurting himself more. If you don't acknowledge him he will scratch or bite you
I've just had to turn tv off as he is on his bike purposly crashing into things like his table or his sister's bouncer.
I'm so fucking fed up of being in tears at this behaviour. Is it normal? What can I do please

Every kid's different OP. My DD is usually the stand by me and hold my hand type but then so was I! My brother on the other hand was a fecking nightmare even I remember his tantrums and awful behaviour and I was only 3 or 4. Same parenting, totally different child.

Don't despair, you CAN change this around and have a happy toddler (most of the time).

He needs toys downstairs and the bike needs to go outside. A bike isn't an appropriate toy for in the house unless the house is so large it's too far to walk from room to room

What toys does he like? Try and get him busy with duplo, playdoh, anything constructive and imaginative. Look at what he is building or doing and praise him. No matter how small. "Good work with the rolling pin" "that's a great tower" and then build on it "what else can you build?" Keep him interested and wanting to try out new ideas.

Replace the 'naughty corner" with the "thinking corner". Create a space where he thinks about how his actions hurt you / DP / sister, and ask him after a couple of minutes, what he shoud have done instead. He must always apologise to whoever he has wronged.

Encourage lots of "oh look your sister is watching you, she thinks you're so good at xyz" "your sister thinks you're funny" "I bet your sister can't wait till you teach her how to do xyz".

It's hard and might take a while to get into a new 'normal', but keep being firm, present a united front with DP and more than anything, be consistent! Good luck!!

Not saying there isn't always some room for improvement but it doesn't sound like your DS will ever be perfectly standing beside you offering passers by home baked cake on a silver platter :-D

I think you removed the toys with the best of intentions but he's completely bored now which will prompt even worse behaviour. It sounds like you're at the end of your tether and you've sort of labelled him naughty now? Not a criticism, I know how frustrating it is but three is still very young and every day is a new opportunity to change things with him. He sounds very frustrated and like he really needs some quality one to one time with you or his dad. Is there a particular activity he enjoys?

I think you are expecting too much from him! immediate consequences or you are wasting your time and things like removing toys only remove them for a few minutes. He is bored and acting up.

At nursery he has more structure and that is probably why he behaves there ... it read to me like he has his bike to ride in the house which isn't a great idea with a small baby around. Do you sit and play with him or just let him get on with it? He may see you having to fuss around the baby all the time and him getting told off all the time. I know you say he was like this before, but you were pregnant before too and probably kept telling him he would be a big brother?? Try to set aside more time for him, if you don't already - try to get him to help with the baby and praise him like mad for doing so ... if he is doing unacceptable things, don't engage too much when you are cross with him, but just put him directly on naughty chair, explain why firmly and keep putting him back if he gets off ... when it's over explain why he was put there and that the behaviour not acceptable and to be a good boy next time. Sounds easy I know when you're not involved, but think you need to be consistent and he needs good attention and less when he's naughty - good luck

I am desprratly wanting to listen to advice, it may not sound it but I am!
His father was violent towards me, I'm not sure if he ever seen anything of that. I've caught my son smothering his sister with blankets/muslins

By the way, not sure the removing of toys will work too well at this age because he seems to have plenty - also, when you remove the toys, his sister seems to become one ... if he hurts her with or throws a particular one then remove straight away, but I wouldn't take toys that weren't involved away iyswim

I do play with him yes, he gets time at night time with either me or my partner. Yesterday for example we were playing football. My son got annoyed that he wasn't able to get the ball so he walked over grabbed the ball and threw it away.
Then sulked. Then screamed because nobody played with him

For a start, get him some soft toys for downstairs. That way, if she throws them, there's less risk of damage. And definitely bike outside.That's just asking for trouble.

What sort of things does he like doing at nursery?

Do you have a clock he can read? One with pictures on, for example. Then you could give him units of time he can understand, eg "when the big hand is on the bird, we will be doing this", and see if you can get him focused for 5 mins at a time, with the promise of, maybe, doing something with you at the end of it.

One tip I"ve picked up is to channel the behaviour they want to do in a positive way. So if he wants to throw, you could go out into the garden and try throwing balls down the slide, can you throw the ball over the swing or under the swing, how far can you throw it? Sometimes children need to be led in their play.

Also positive instructions - so say 'keep the bike on the floor' instead of don't throw it. Praise him for keeping the bike on the floor.

I do think toddlers need to walk/bike/scoot a bit every day, get their legs moving. So if it takes half an hour to walk to the playground can you make it fun? Pinterest have scavenger hunt sheets you can print off, or just look for birds/planes in the sky, count them. Keep his brain active.
If he screams at him just say 'no screaming!' or 'quiet voice!' and carry on.

I highly recommend Janet Lansbury blog posts or podcasts for talking about empathic parenting with firm boundaries.

Good luck!

Toys usually get taken for an hour, because it'll be at that point I've had enough and demand we all go out pram and doll was taken away at 7 last nigjt, an hour later he was in bed. I've not had the chance to get them back out as he's infatuated with the tradesman in the house
I am listening to your advice though

Things like throwing a toy in frustration are totally normal - kids don't have impulse control at this age and so he can't help it. He needs time to learn coping strategies for frustration and anger. Just taking everything away won't help him I'm afraid. He needs to see you modelling coping strategies and helping him calm down and learn to try again

Get a copy of 'how to talk so little kids listen'. Tons of useful advice in there on how to deal with extreme emotions and tantrums. I found it really useful. My son is the same age as yours and also has a fairly new sibling. He has good days and REALLY bad days. I found this book really good, especially the advice about acknowledging their feelings even if they make no sense. I think my boy was desperate to be listened to but I kept on saying 'oh you're fine, don't be upset etc' when he really needed me to say 'yeah, having a sibling is actually really tough at times. I bet you feel really frustrated right now etc etc' Made a big difference in our house.

In his very short life your DS has been exposed to DV in the home and his DF leave. He has had to come to terms with your new DP and a brand new DSis. I can imagine it's been a tough three years for both of you, I'm not surprised both of you are struggling. Is there a Sure Start centre near you? They may be able to offer you some support.

Certainly agree he needs to get out and about as much as possible every day running and playing and letting off steam in a safe environment. My little boy is only 14 months but since he began crawling I've noticed how much easier life is when we are out and about most of the day at play centres,parks etc. When we are at home then he plays much nicer as he's not bored of being at home playing with the same toys all the time and rotate the toys put half of them out and half in a cupboard and swap them about every couple of weeks,keeps them interested.

Same with the football. Don't expect him to behave like an adult - he will get angry and frustrated and he won't know how to deal with it. Just repeatedly remind yourself it's your job to teach him - he can't magically learn these strategies by himself.
My eldest is 3. She throws things in frustration, she hates it when she can't do something (like if she fails to catch a ball) and will have a meltdown. It's frustrating as it often happens when we're playing and it "spoils" what we are doing. I seem to spend my life teaching her to calm down, try again etc.
One technique that has worked for us - when she gets angry I ask her to blow out the candles (my wiggling fingers). It kind of forces her to take deep breaths and blow (I make a play of it and tell her she's not blowing hard enough etc) and eventually she giggles and the deep breaths and blowing have helped the anger subside. I also try not to reason/talk to her when she's angry or upset as they're not receptive to logic and discussion until they're calm. There's a good book called playful parenting which helped me a lot in working on diffusing anger and stopping undesirable behaviour without it turning into a battle of shouting
Finally - don't compare your boy to other kids if you can help it. Some kids are easier than others - there's a huge spectrum, and you wishing your boy behaved like somebody else's child isn't going to help at all.

Use reins when you take him out.

Hiya, people are being harsh on here! I've read somewhere (I think the what to expect books) that good behaviour at school but naughty behaviour at home is a sign of secure attachment. Something is up in his little world and he knows that he can act like a loon at home because he knows you'll still love him regardless. I'm not saying not to look at what might be wrong/improve things but please don't be hard on yourself

If he gets on your nerves so much that you decide to go out instead of dealing with it, maybe that's why he's doing it ... they're very clever and find ways of manipulating every situation. You say you play at night - what about during the day after nursery and does he have a nap still because he's probably over tired after nursery?

Completely agree with nutbrown. Whenever you are able, sit with him, follow his lead, show interest and listen. Turn it around - when he is angry acknowledge it "you look sad/angry/it's frustrating when...do you need a hug?" Or "can you use your words, so that I can understand?" Rather than send him away to time out. When we find something overwhelming as adults, sometimes we need someone to help or listen. Time out works sometimes, for some children, but I agree that you need to regain your connection. Always parent in love as he will learn to listen and behave well because he is happy and wants to please you, not because he has to to avoid being told off. Things will get better. .

"His father was violent towards me, I'm not sure if he ever seen anything of that"

This really may be the issue OP. Are you still with the father? Even if he didn't see it directly, he may have witnessed it indirectly. I'd definitely look for a sure start centre; have you read the book on non violent communication too (its really helped me, although I don't have kids yet).

As a mum of 3, I assure you that it's not necessarily your parenting that's the problem. I think that not holding his hand as punishment is a little strange though.
My youngest is naturally compliant. He never had a terrible twos/threenager phase. He's never run into the road (even as a 1 year old) and never spat/bit as a toddler.
My other 2 weren't like that. I found my oldest the hardest (he's a teenager and still the hardest 😂) He needed a different approach to the other 2. As the one who pushes the boundaries most, he ends up being told off the most and this is depressing for both of us. I was sick of telling him off and I think it would have dented his self esteem listening to it. I had to find ways that he could get positive attention and succeed at things. For example get him to do a lap of the garden and count how many seconds it takes. On the second lap when he's even faster 😜 , have a cheering session about how awesome he is afterwards.
He's very lucky to have a garden that's well set up. Get the toys out there (if it's not raining) and let him have s run around. Being stuck with no toys sounds ryubbish and he can throw things in peace.

Try not to get angry about head butting, sulking etc. It's really important that he goes through this phase of understanding his emotions and how to deal with them before he goes to school. Can he label his emotions? Angry, jealous, happy etc? Maybe draw some emoji faces to help explain. It's normal to sulk if you can't do something but with practice he could turn it into a short sulk then back in the game. Has he seen you demonstrate how to deal with disappointment/mistakes?

Firstly, well done for reaching out, OP.

It's hard to take criticism at any time, but when it's in relation to our children, the most precious things in our lives that we are putting our whole hearts into, it's the hardest thing in the world. Well done for taking these comments on board.

Secondly - do not compare him to other children. Some of them stand really nicely, and are happy to wander along holding a parent's hand. Others want to run around and see what this does and what that does, and don't understand the concept of danger. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either.

What stands out to me from your posts is that you and your son have become disconnected. There have been a lot of changes in his short life, and it's got to be hard for him.

I think you know now that you need to bring him some toys downstairs to play with. 'Ooh, DS, DD and I have missed you while you've been at nursery today. Shall we go and get 2 toys and bring them down to play with?' Try and engage him with playing with his sister, but bear in mind he may not want to - he has had to share toys all day at nursery.

If he starts to get upset, stop whatever you're doing, get down to his level and talk to him. 'DS, you seem to be getting very frustrated/angry/sad. Are you tired/hungry? Do you need a cuddle?' Then discuss with him what you will do next to fix it. Things like this will help you to reconnect, and will help him stop feeling he has to fight with you to get some attention.

Also, try giving him some responsibility: 'DS, I need to cook tea now. Can you get the knives and forks out.' 'I need to load the washing machine, can you pass me those clothes to put in?'

Good luck OP. You can do this, because you want to improve your relationship.

OP.

Also check out Love Bombing.