To be so fucked off with my toddlers behaviour

[cassiebabie]

My toddler has just tried to head butt my partner after being told off for hitting and trying to kick.
He seems angry a lot of time. Will hit for no reason, scream if he doesn't get his own way.
Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand he will just stop and start screaming like a banshee. Then he will run at you, hurting himself more. If you don't acknowledge him he will scratch or bite you
I've just had to turn tv off as he is on his bike purposly crashing into things like his table or his sister's bouncer.
I'm so fucking fed up of being in tears at this behaviour. Is it normal? What can I do please

They do have short attention spans at that age, so don't panic, and don't get too downhearted when you have spent ages preparing something lovely to do only for him to want to do something else. (Voice of bitter experience here... )

Just go with the flow sometimes - what does he enjoy? Do that with him. Sometimes, me and DS spend 10 minutes bouncing up and down being bunny rabbits... he loves it!

He does seem to have a very short attention span but again that's fairly normal for that age.

Try a football in the nearest park. And instead of "playing football properly", do challanges like "Kick it as hard as you can! WOW!!! now run as fast as you can and get it - I will time you!" or "How many times can you run around this bench? I bet you can't do 20 times! I will count!"

In other words, run him like a dog.

That sounds really positive! And 5 mins attention span per activity is par for the course at times at 3 I think.

I agree Becotide with the park/football challenges and LOTS of exercise. It's a great way to give lots of positive attention without too much effort!

OP, I have three kids, two boys. His behaviour sounds pretty normal to me! He is probably a bit bored, mine all act up when they are.

I can recommend 2 things that make a difference to mine-

Enough fresh air and exercise- scooter? Might speed up a walk!

Positive reinforcement- when he is being good, make a big deal out of it every time he is good, even approaching good! "Wow, DS, look at you sitting nicely! I can see you're ready for breakfast." That sort of thing.

Good luck, it's NOT easy x

We get "naughty" behaviour such as hitting older sibling or throwing things at older sibling when toddler is over tired. Also, she rarely has tantrums, but when she does it is usually overtiredness again.

Strange comments earlier about speech. My toddler is almost 3 and was talking in full sentences at 20 months, but still isn't 100% with past tense and says "I goed to the shop and I bied an apple.." somewhat like Bing! It has nothing to do with her behaviour.

Speech has a massive impact on behaviour. This has been proven.

www.icommunicatetherapy.com/child-speech-language/children-special-needs-learning-difficulties/behaviour-communication/

Yes Becotide, but a child saying "I spit" instead of "I spat" at three years old hardly indicates a speech disorder.

A child of 3 replying "I spit" to the question "WHy did you spit?" actually does indicate delayed communication. The child hasn't answered the question. It's not clear if he understood the question.

If all my kids had to play with was a bike then they'd be climbing the walls too.

Spitting on toys is grim but look at the behaviours that you want him to change. The only possible thing he gets out of spitting on toy cars is your attention when you tell him off and take them away.

Try to break the cycle. Unless it's a safety issue (chucking bike at wall, chucking Pram at telly, doing anything untoward to sister or attacking you/partner) then ignore ignore ignore. Find things no matter how small to make a fuss of him over. He picked up a toy and nicely passed it to his sister? Heap on the praise, oodles and oodles of it - lay it on super-thick. Make him realise that to get attention he needs to be good, not bad.

Start a day afresh. If there's something he uses as a weapon, keep it away for now. But make sure he has lots to do to try to prevent him getting bored. If he's doing something antisocial (spitting on cars), think "in the bigger picture is this the issue I want to address right now and do I want it to garner attention" and if the answer is no, leave it.

If you do take toys (except if someone is in danger), don't do it in a big shouty snatchy way, just remove them as soon as possible without him really noticing, when he asks just say that they were taken away as he wasn't playing nicely with them and when you see him playing nicely then they can be returned.

My eldest was only ever allowed his scuttlebug in the house when his little brothers were napping.

Hi, it sounds like a really difficult situation you are in.

Have you tried a sticker chart? explain to him that if he goes all morning without kicking off/spitting then he gets a sticker. Same again in the afternoon. Then any really good behaviour gets an extra sticker (like being kind to his sister, helping to tidy up, etc) If he gets so many stickers he can have a treat... say 10 stickers he gets a magazine, 20 he gets a toy car, 40 he gets to go swimming...etc (whatever he enjoys)

The football game you played.... you said he couldn't get the ball so kicked off??? (is that right?) For a 3 yr old I would play at pretending they were so much better at football than me and they could get the ball and get a goal. "oh son you got the ball, mummy is going to get it back, wow son you're running too fast for mummy, goooooaaaaal son well done you got a goal"

The spitting is a hard one... did your ex ever spit at you or spit at your son??
have you tried explaining why spitting isn't the behaviour you want.... it spreads germs and will make him poorly, it will make all his toys smell and they'll need throwing away.

sorry if you have tried all these things... have you spoken to your hv? or gp? or if there is a local childrens centre they can help out with behaviour problems and may have further ideas to help you x x

If the bike is the only thing to play with downstairs then that might well be the problem. What is he expected to do? Children rarely want to be naughty and fail when adults impose unreasonable expectations.
Get the bike outside in the garden to start with.
Make some microwave play dough and let him roll, cut, shape etc.
Make cakes with him.
Get some foam building bricks and a big box for them.
Have a junk modelling and painting session. Do nice things with him.
Go and jump in puddles in the rain.
Give him things he can manage to play with and play with him.
Get him outside and running off his energy as often as possible. Go to the park and feed the ducks. Push him on a swing. Go blackberry picking. Go jumping waves in the sea. Go to pet shops or garden centres with animals to see.
Enjoy his company and have fun.

This sounds like my 3 year 3 month old boy, he throws toys when he doesn't get his own way, his behaviour is horrendous when tired and I've also noticed that it's bad when he's hungry, he can become too over stimulated by tv which then flares bad behaviour so I switch it off, he has a hell of a lot of energy when we are out he can't walk anywhere nicely, it bloody hard work constantly, so I know completely how you feel x

This sounds like my 3 year 3 month old boy, he throws toys when he doesn't get his own way, his behaviour is horrendous when tired and I've also noticed that it's bad when he's hungry, he can become too over stimulated by tv which then flares bad behaviour so I switch it off, he has a hell of a lot of energy when we are out he can't walk anywhere nicely, it bloody hard work constantly, so I know completely how you feel x

With regards to speech, there is possibly a delay. I don't have friends so he doesn't have many people to talk to
Nursery has a thousand percent helped
If I place him on time out, I say why did I place you here
He will reply "I spit" or "I hit"
He does have some sentences such as "I pee pee potty" "ma I wan more juice" "ma I brush ma teeth"
Lovely to hear your babies were talking at 20 months. Just what I needed to hear to stop comparing and feel like a better parent
As if I don't feel bad enough that I was the reason DV even happened in the house hold.
All children develop at different rates

I've got twins so I have two children I can directly compare. I can indeed verify that children do develop at different rates.

He's doing multiple word sentences. That doesn't sound too far off for 3y2. He could also be getting frustrated at not being able to really articulate what he means.

3 year olds are called threenagers now and it's very apt; both my DDs had fierce tempers at that age. DD1 was just under 4 when DD2 came to live with us aged 1 (they're both adopted).

Sibling jealousy can go on for much longer than 5 months. DD1 is still very competitive with DD2, 4 years on now. She's always comparing herself to DD2 (her birth sibling).

The best way to deal with that is to give him one on one time, we've found. Not easy with a young baby, I'm sure, but any time is worthwhile. Our DD1 says so often, 'You don't care about me.'

If the attention your DS gets from you is negative then he will do more of the same to get that attention because it works. If he gets positive attention then he will respond to that. He's also less likely to be so competitive with the his little sister.

I know it's hard, but it will get easier when he's better able to vocalise what he's feeling.

I'm a huge fan of Janet Lansbury, both her blog and her book No Bad Kids. I used to be in tears over my 2 year old's behaviour almost every day but she has massively helped me find better ways to deal with it and also to control how I respond to bad behaviour.

Don't be disheartened at his speech delay, I felt the same with my son. And try not to compare it to others....if SALT doesn't think there is a problem then there probably isn't and he is on track.

My friend's daughter was speaking in full sentences and having proper conversations at a little over 2... my son hardly spoke and what he did say was a little hard to understand and he was over 3.... He started school and came on leaps and bounds and now at 9, we can't blooming shut him up!!! lol You say nursery has brought it on, that's great it sounds like my son and I'm sure he will get caught up with speech at some point.

Teach him to read! The learning sessions will give the two of you some quality, focused, one-to-one time together, and he will spend hours happily engrossed in books. I recommend the classic instruction text, called How To Teach Your Baby to Read, by Glenn Domann. Having been thorough this process myself it is fun and nothing like the 'learning' in school.

Lots and lots of soft toys, toys that won't hurt anyone if thrown
Lots and lots of hugs/tickles etc
Lots and lots of praise
Lots and lots of outdoor time.
And lots and lots of self belief for you! You are doing your best, you clearly accept that there are problems and are seeking help, that's a fantastic start. No one gets it right all the time, so be gentle with yourself and remember he won't be three forever.

A child of 3 replying "I spit" to the question "WHy did you spit?" actually does indicate delayed communication. The child hasn't answered the question. It's not clear if he understood the question.

Becotide , the OP said "I spit" was in response to her asking "What did you do wrong?".....not "Why did you spit?"..

OP , the fact someone else's child spoke at 20 months has nothing to do with your parenting skills. The person who suggested language issues because their own child spoke fluently at 20 months is crackers. Also, boys tend to talk much later than girls. My daughter is way ahead of her peers but I don't think it's because I'm a better parent! She's waaaay behind in other aspects..She is only just potty trained at 3.