To be so fucked off with my toddlers behaviour

[cassiebabie]

My toddler has just tried to head butt my partner after being told off for hitting and trying to kick.
He seems angry a lot of time. Will hit for no reason, scream if he doesn't get his own way.
Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand he will just stop and start screaming like a banshee. Then he will run at you, hurting himself more. If you don't acknowledge him he will scratch or bite you
I've just had to turn tv off as he is on his bike purposly crashing into things like his table or his sister's bouncer.
I'm so fucking fed up of being in tears at this behaviour. Is it normal? What can I do please

He sounds frustrated or bored,

I would suggest more outings in the park, boys have soooo much energy and when they aren't burning it off they tend to be destructive.

I live in an apartment with mine and can usually see the stress levels going up and make a quick dash for the outdoors, climbing, football, collecting insects and rocks are all favourites

And at this age punishments need to be immediate and short, they don't understand hours later why they have thing taken away.

If it is too much energy then the naughty step will just exacerbate the situation,

You are being way too hard on him, having read your follow up posts re taking toys away. Toddlers need instant repercussions, ie time out, then the chance to move on, not permanent consequences, ie, you spat on your toys now you have none to play with for an unspecified period.

How is your child meant to spend his time if he has no toys and only two hours of tv a day? He is probably as angry as he is because you are treating him harshly.

If I ignore it he will do something to his sister

It sounds like his behaviour is making you really angry which is sabotaging your connection with him. So he tries to get a reaction which makes you more angry. I have been really angry as a parent but there are ways to address this-again ahaparenting.com has good articles on dealing with your anger

If you take a toddler toys away for 20 minutes what do you expect him to do? He will be looking for something to do. Is the TV on during the day a lot? I ask because I know I use my phone too much sometimes around my 15 month and she understandably gets annoyed that I am being rude and not showing her attention.

Without wishing to sound rude at all,if he's fine at nursery and they are even surprised at his behaviour at home perhaps a good idea would be too look at your parenting skills from scratch. Ask for help at your nearest children's centre tell them your issues and ask about parenting courses as they will help you to effectively go back to basics and start again with him in terms of how you handle situations and his behaviour. If he's at the stage wher he cannot have toys downstairs at all as he destroys them and spits on them () then you really do need to make drastic changes and fast and you need some help and support with how to effectively parent him through this.

So if he does something like throw his doll it then gets taken away forever? A three year old isn't going to understand that so it's pretty much a meaningless response.

The examples you gave appear to all be times he is trying to get your attention.
Can be walking down the street and if you don't take his hand he will just stop and start screaming like a banshee surely this could be solved by taking his hand? Not sure why you wouldn't?

My two year old does destructive things if I try and watch TV. It's frustrating to feel I don't get a second of my own time to catch up on something I've recorded but as parents I think we kind of have to suck it. He obviously is trying to attention seek. In that situation have you tried turning off the TV/stopping what you are doing and saying ok, what shall we play? Almost always works with my toddler as he is just wanting attention.

Taking things away isn't going to solve it. I'm fact it's probably made him bored and also more frustrated because he won't understand why his toys have gone upstairs forever. His behaviour is communication and it's up to you to try and break the cycle, as the adult, not him.

I know to us it feels like ffs I just want to watch one stupid TV programme but he doesn't understand that. I'm not saying never do anything you need to do, obviously he needs to learn sometimes you are busy but equally he sounds like he is desperate for attention, and it's probably getting worse as he is getting punished all the time rather than getting the attention. It's got to the point that negative attention is at least some attention. Do you get out with him everyday? If he's bored he's going to demand even more of you and it becomes a vicious cycle. I find by mid morning my toddler is becoming a massive pain, if we go out at his point once we're home he's able to play more independently again and then after a couple of hours starts wanting my attention more again.

If he's home for long periods with no toys downstairs it's no wonder he is difficult.

In my experience 3 year old's are worse than terrible twos.
I'd keep consequences immediate and consistent. As soon as he misbehaves sit him out (i don't like the word naughty i work in childcare it's seen as swearing) for 3 minutes not engaging with him while he's sat out, then tell him why he's sat out "I sat you out because you spat, we do not spit here" then carry on playing. As soon as he does it again sit him out, do it repeatedly and consistently without any more reasoning or arguing with him. In my experience things do start to improve within a week or so. Good luck xx

Time out works for me. I give a series of increasing warnings. 'move away from your sister please. Stop trying to pinch/hit/snatch'. Then ramp it up. 'I asked you to move away, move away or go on time out. I'm going to count to three and if you haven't moved away, you are going on time out'. Then it's either a hug a smile and a cheer to celebrate good listening or a trip to time out with all the aggro that entails. Once he's done his time he can return to his toys. I wouldn't take anything away from him as you are doing as that will just puss him off more and up the aggro. My goal is harmony and cooperation so I don't want to murder them in cold blood.

Give him his toys back and play with him. Ignore the spitting, if he doesn't do it at nursery, is it really doing any harm if he does it at home? Honestly, ignore it, don't let it rile you, give him positive attention.

Does he get much exercise? I have 3 and 2 year old DD's and we try and spend as much time outside as possible as their behaviour is much better outside. To be honest I find boredom is the worst possible thing for their behaviour, with no toys downstairs they'd be climbing the walls with boredom and causing all sorts of trouble.
I wondered about the language thing too, DD2 is 2+1 and speaks in full sentences, as did DD1 at that age. Why was he under SALT?
I wouldn't have a bike inside. Just asking for trouble. Do you have a garden?

He is bored and attention seeking.
You need to take him out to a park and let him run around and play. At least once every day.
He sounds normal to me.

Might sound daft but what does he eat? When I was a kid I was good as gold until I was given stuff with certain e numbers in it then I became the devil. As did a few other kids in my year, the specific ones varied kid to kid but worth looking at his diet of these sweets/juice etc in it.

His sister is five months old, put her where your son can't reach her?

You like you want us to tell you your son is just a really, really bad, awful child. He's not. He's just displaying normal toddler behaviour.

Yes he has a big garden with slide and sand and water table. A swing and playhouse. Won't play with any of them
Like I said taking him out can be hellish, a ten minute walk turns into half hour.
On the example I gave of not taking his hand, because he screamed at me.
He was under salt as he wasn't talking at 2

cassiebabie it is hard and as a teacher I always have parents who are a bit when I tell them their child is adorable at school and cooperative when they are the complete opposite at school.

I do think a lot of the time it has to do with the parental approach to discipline and interaction. I blame myself but not to the extent that I am hurting my child but she does need more interaction and stimulation than what my eldest ever needed or craved. If she had been an only child, I wouldn't have much of an issue but my time is torn between her and her 5 year old brother.

MrsBobDylan is right though. You son sounds like he's acting out for attention and it is toddler boredom. I contemplated taking the toys back upstairs because I wanted my 'adult home' back and wanted them to play upstairs, but they crave and need to closeness of their parents and I kept thinking that they'd end up killing each other with boredom and bringing a toy downstairs will end up escalating into the entire bedroom being downstairs.

A good tip would be to have a box of toys he brings down for the morning. When he gets bored, take them back upstairs and exchange. If he is naughty, give a stern warning and a consequence if it happens again. If it does, take away the toy he is playing with (or favourite) and put it out of reach and tell him he can have it back if he does 'xyz'. But toddlers don't have any concept of time and the time between taking it away and giving it back needs to be short. A whole day, even half a day, is too long. But when you tell him off, keep your voice calm. It shows them you are in control and their behaviour is not going to upset you.

try interacting more with him - him helping with what you are doing. Even engaging in what he is doing at the time. If he is ramming his bike into things, give him something he can ram his bike into so he gets what he wants but something like cushions means nothing is getting broken and he is safe. That shows him that you are interested in him and what he is doing. (My daughter and the cat dishes - I gave her some water and pots and allowed her to mess about to her heart's content. On a tiled floor, it is easily wiped).

I get the boundaries issue and being the only one. My often stern, low tolerance husband thinks she is great and laughs at her antics - but he isn't the one dealing with her behaviour on a daily basis. My mum adores her and laughs and engages in silly play with her and without realising encourages her to be 'naughty'. i keep telling them that they won't react in the same way when she is 5, 7 or 9! By then they won't see the funny side to her bad behaviour and the poor mite will end up confused!

It DOES pass. The spitting will be a phase. Give him a cloth and tell him to mop up!

But please listen to advice. You sound like you are so far gone in terms of frustration and at the end of your tether that everything everyone suggests seems pointless.

I think that rather than taking toys away from him you need to start modelling how you play nicely with them more. I guess that he's had a big change with the new baby arriving five months ago and you've probably found it difficult to adjust time between the two of them.

Where is he learning all of this angry and aggressive behaviour from? Why do you feel he will do something to his sister; has he seen other people hurting people?

Your problems are inconsistent discipline, boredom and punishing in different ways for different things. You shouldn't take toys away no matter what he does with them as if he's bored he'll act up more. Follow the steps below instead.

Select a few open ended toys and give these back (dolls, teddy, building blocks, a couple of other things), take the bike away. Try to get outside for part of every day to let him run off some energy. Play with him as often as you can without being distracted by the baby.

Decide what behaviour you don't want and make sure you react consistently to it. If he does something you don't like give a warning.

If he does it again use the naughty corner/step where he stays for one minute per year of life.

Put him back if he leaves, but don't engage in debate or shouting.

At the end of the time ask him to say sorry and have a hug.

Go back to playing.

It all sounds a bit grim for him. You can't have no toys downstairs for him. You know that super punakve prisons don't rehabilitate adult criminals so why do you think it will work for a 3 year old??

Remember st 3 he isn't doing this to wind you up!

Sounds like he gets frustrated really easily (like trying to get the hat on then throwing the doll when he can't). Have you tried

He might be able to say why he is in trouble "I spit" but can he express why he was spitting? What made him feel that way? Can you teach him other outlets for frustration.

Take him out, burn off loads of energy. Have fun with him. Break the cycle of seeing him as a Mary child and you the only good person saying 'no' to him. I highly doubt nursery are just letting him have his way all the time TBH they probably just have better strategies for dealing with him than locking all his toys away.

From your posts it sounds like you need a reset of the relationship.

And yes, echoing everyone else, he sounds totally normal.

Getting out of the pressure cooker space of the home environment always helped me deal with frustrating children.

A ramble through the woods or a romp round the park etc. All free, all fun, all designed to wear your little one out while allowing your baby to sleep.

Do you take him out enough to use up his energy and run around? Kids need outside time and energy too.

Why was he seeing SALT?

If he's ok at nursery then I'd say - sorry - that his behaviour at home may have something to do with your parenting. How about just having soft toys downstairs that can't do much harm? Books, jigsaws,. some small world stuff? He needs to play with toys.

I'd get rid of the inside bike too. Asking for trouble. Take him on his bike outside!

I don't want any of you to say he is bad, I'm the one with shit parenting skills like it's being pointed out.
I want to help my son as he is clearly frustrated but I just don't know what to do, I speak to a lady whose daughter goes to my son's nursery and she said her daughter never behaves like my son. Her daughter stands by her side in shops, always holds her hand, behaves like a golden child so it's clearly me that's the issue but I don't know what to do. I don't know anybody with children to help me or who I can learn from

I find myself doing the same OP, I say "right, if you don't stop doing this, then we won't go out to the park / the farm / see your friend". Then we end up stuck inside and pissed off with each other and things just spiral down from there.
I now tend to use a walk to the park as the benchmark which doesn't get taken away, whatever she does, and bigger / more money and effort trips I will take away if necessary.
Equally with toys, I could never take away all her toys, but i might take away one or two things.

I don't see what's wrong with saying 'I spit' at just 3... If you are saying "Why is mummy cross with you?" and he answers "I spit" or "I bite" that seems OK? My daughter is 2y9m and hasn't got the hang of the past tense yet at all ... at 2y1m she had just started putting two words together (eg red car, blue dress etc). Then again maybe she needs some language development help too but no-one at nursery has ever suggested that...