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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 07/08/2017 16:07

Sorry, no advice, apart from saying you must tell your son that people can't properly consent under the age of 16 and that he must follow the law and not have sex with anyone else until both he and they are over 16.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2017 16:18

What should you do? Get your child under control for one. He's 14 years old for fuck's sake. What is he doing roaming all over God knows where? Keep him home, get him into therapy and hope your son gets his act together before he REALLY gets into trouble.

LindyHemming · 07/08/2017 16:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 16:23

A hormonal 14 yr old won't listen to a parent saying not to have sex....

What to do?
Listen to the police and social services.
I'd be wary about letting the child out the house with that angry man around.

Don't watch Jeremy Kyle - too close to home.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 16:24

You need to tell your son to stop having sex until both he and they are 16.

You also need to let him know how serious this is!

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 07/08/2017 16:26

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eyebrowsonfleek · 07/08/2017 16:27

It's amazing how in the space of 2 weeks, you discovered that your son had underage sex with 2 girls. First things first, how many others are there? You need to find out before you get visits from other people.

I have teens and I'd be horrified if they'd had multiple sexual encounters by age 14.

Your son needs to be told in no uncertain terms that a girl under 16 can't consent. Personally I'd be keeping a closer watch over him and making him stay in.

Does he know what condoms are for? If he doesn't use one, he risks catching an STD never mind pregnancy.

mantlepiece · 07/08/2017 16:27

Yes, my first thought is you must ground him, he shouldn't be out roaming about and you not knowing where he is and what he is doing.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 16:27

Woah, your poor boy has got involved with some right nutters, I hope he learns to be more discerning in future...he must feel really frightened and out of his depth. Carry on doing what you're doing- the grown man threatening to rape him will soon move on to threaten some other poor idiot.
Reassure him, keep him indoors and see the gp about his cutting.

CoughingForWeeks · 07/08/2017 16:29

The police have written evidence that a grown man is making threats to rape and beat your child and have done nothing about it? Leaving all the other stuff aside, that just beggars belief. Poor kid. I don't think he's done anything out of the ordinary; he's a normal, horny teenage boy exploring his sexuality with other teenagers. It does shock me a bit that teens are having sex so young these days - it wasn't completely unknown when I was that age but it was definitely unusual, whereas it seems to be the norm these days.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/08/2017 16:30

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luckylucky24 · 07/08/2017 16:31

I think people are being rude here. If it was a 14 yr old lad sat at home staring at computer screens you would all be saying he needs to go out!

He has obviously got in with the wrong crowd of people here and needs to be very careful. I would suggest he lays low for a while.

Hermagsjesty · 07/08/2017 16:32

LadyMary - what a unnecessarily snide comment. What does it matter where she lives? Lots of us do live on council estates, you know.

OP - I'm sorry you and your son are going through this, it must be very stressful. I agree that you should listen to the advice of the police and Social Services. Answer questions as honestly and openly as possible.

Dailystuck71 · 07/08/2017 16:32

That's a disgusting post Lady.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/08/2017 16:33

I don't understand why you let him out. I thought he was grounded... Hmm

Also, why did you let him answer the door when you knew there was a man coming who had threatened to assault him physically and sexually?

AnUtterIdiot · 07/08/2017 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 16:33

Yes, my first thought is you must ground him, he shouldn't be out roaming about and you not knowing where he is and what he is doing.

This.

Nor should he be having sex with girl's in the local park.

Nor should he be having unprotrcted sex with multiple partners.

So much about this is wrong.

Tbh I'm not surprised SS are involved.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/08/2017 16:34

It may seem a minor point but how is this man able to send your son messages via FB? You need to go through his privacy settings with him apart from anything else.

But I would also be concerned about his atttitude to sex and to girls if he is engaging in casual sex in this way already. And in the park? That could lead to a whole world of trouble if he gets caught in the act.

blackteasplease · 07/08/2017 16:34

eyebrows that's not exactly right. Under 13 can't consent - it's rape in any instance. 13- I6 can but it's sexual activity with a child regardless of sex of participants.

So both ds and the girl had sexual activity with a child. As both guilty of an offence no point prosecuting only one of them.

But still it is serious and ds needs to know this. Keep him at home / with you until you know he's safe.

Once he's 18 if he has sex with a 15 year old he could be in alot of trouble.

Want2bSupermum · 07/08/2017 16:34

The conversation you need to be having with your son is that you don't just have sec with someone. Relationship first. Meet the parents. When you are sure they are right for you ThEN you go ahead and start a sexual relationship. This way you avoid the nutters.

That man knocking on the door should be a huge wake up call you all of you. I would be mortified and terrified in equal measures.

SayNoToCarrots · 07/08/2017 16:34

LadyMary what a shitty comment. Even if OP is a council estate fag mum whatever the fuck that is, she is still as entitled to support and useful advice as anyone else.

Cantdenyit · 07/08/2017 16:35

Why is this man saying it's rape not underage sex?

SummerKelly · 07/08/2017 16:35

Really sorry you are going through this. I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh. It can be difficult to stop teenagers from doing things they are determined to do, especially when you're already dealing with compounding factors such as self harm (have some experience here of parenting a child with mental health issues despite my best efforts). I think all you can do is keep him in for the moment, cooperate with the police and try to get to the bottom of what's going on. Teenagers are pretty much programmed to take risks, it's part of their normal development, and as a result they don't always think things through. You need to keep lines of communication open with him, his safety is your priority, both in terms of the men who are trying to get him and stopping him from having more sex, but probably only you can judge that based on your relationship with him. Good luck.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 07/08/2017 16:35

You need to try and rein him in fgs. I'd be grounding him for a very long time. Close down all his social media, set up new accounts in a nick name if necessary. He needs to lay low for a good while.
Get him to GUM clinic for STI and HIV tests ASAP.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 07/08/2017 16:36

What is he doing roaming all over God knows where?

you sound like a council estate fag mum

He is 14 years old and was in the local park ffs.

I'm not condoning what he did but any one of us would let out teenagers out to the local park for a few hours.

It must feel good giving the op a kicking while she's down though Hmm

I would definitely keep him in for now. Check his internet history daily, all of his accounts and phone etc as he is clearly not to be trusted at the moment.

Hopefully you get somewhere with the police, it sounds terrifying for you all Flowers