14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

[allotmentgirl82]

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

This is a difficult one, loads of people will probably be mean, but I won't be one.

I think first off he has learned his lesson enough to scare him into no more sex for the next few years, hopefully 10 years at least... but tell him like others have said that under 16 it is illegal and if he does carry on it will land him in a detention centre.

Next I would get him checked out for std's and make him understand further how they can affect him and others he may pass it on to.

Next I would take all fone and social media away from him.

I feel for you, it's not always obvious to a parent, no matter what others may say... kids find ways around hiding important stuff... good luck with dealing with all this

I would ground him for a while, more for his safety than his own punishment

lets the police handle the threats and keep a close eye on them

deactivate Facebook after taking screen shots

and work very VERY closely with the Police on this

sorry what scary time for you all

consider counselling as this will be very traumatising for him

big hugs to you. no one expect teenage sex to turn into this

Get him off social media and keep him in.

I know it's easier said than done but the age of consent is 16 because kids can't cope with the emotional fallout.......as has been proven here. He won't be the first or last to think he's ready and that everyone else is doing it but he isnt amd they arent.

All you can do.is be his mum and try to guide him, but of he has people threatening him then he really does need to be kept safe

The first story doesn't add up. Your son went to the park with his friend and this girl, he had sex with him but then she gave the other boy a hand job? What was the other boy doing whilst they were at it? Watching? weird.

Op you really need to reign your son in before he either ends up getting someone pregnant/catches an std/gets done for rape. His behaviour is dangerous not only for himself but for others too. I agree with a hard line approach, take him down to the GUM clinic for an std check as a first port of call - he will hate it but it will be a valuable lesson to him.

*she had sex with him

Your post is so confusing. Who was the man at the door and who did he think your son raped? You say they are from a town 4 hours away so presumably they are talking about a different girl than the police originally spoke to you about. Did you not getting any information about them at all. What if they come back and attack you, or other siblings? You need to get to the bottom of what has been going on because you sound completely clueless.

Get control of his access to social media pronto. you need to make sure he isn't contacting or being contacted by 14 year old girls or angry men. Be there for him. This will blow over. People make mistakes, support him, forgive him and be there for him. He must be terrified.

My first though is keep your son in, ground him and make it clear that sex isn't something you take lightly.

My second thought is that if he has already had sex, he'll do it again if he wants- therefore teach your son about safe sex.

Sex at that age isn't good. But you can't stop him having sex. It's better he has protected sex than unprotected sex... Although that may be an unpopular opinion.

Keep him in for a bit, for his safety. Make that your main priority.

I had sex when I was fifteen, just. My mother tried to stop me, she knew, but she couldn't lock me in the house. I was a year older than your son, but my mum taught me about safe sex and consent. I realise I was very young now but I survived and to this day do not regret having sex so young. However, I was in a good relationship and felt ready.

The most concerning thing here is your sons attitude to sex- protection is a must.

So, try and suggest he doesn't have sex until he is 16. However, this is obviously impossible to impose, hence why he must be taught about the need for protection.

Would I be wrong to say that this 13 year old girl doesn't sound like the average 13 year old girl?? consenting to sex at age 13 is one thing, but messaging him again and saying she'd like to do it in the future is a bit

I have a 14 y/o son and while I'm sure some of his friends have had sex and who knows, maybe even my DS has, I'm damn sure none of them have ever been involved in accusations of rape, or had police or aggressive threatening strangers knocking at their door accusing them of rape - so it's not normal, it doesn't happen all the time, it's not a "thing" amongst teens these days.

The park incident with the girl, your DS and his friend sounds utterly grim at best, just disgusting.

If I were you I'd be examining my DS's messages, social media, behaviour and attitudes towards women very closely. The police will now have two "incidents" on record for him, with the word "rape" attached to them somewhere. Doesn't look good, does it?

ChicRock accussed does NOT MEAN GUILTY ffs

He could simply be accused of rape because stupid parent things under age sex means rape has been commented (only true if under 13 as they can never consent)

and if you charge the boy with underage sex you HAVE to charge the girl as they are both commiting the crime.

There was thread on here a few months ago about a 11 year old boy having sex with a 15 girl (she become pregenet) and there was users who was screaming why the boy wasnt done for rape / sex crime because he had commited the crime of sex under the age of 16 (though techically the girl commited the worse crime as techically she sexaully assulted him becuase he could not conset and if genders were revrsed would be rape but that stupid legal defination is a whole other thread)

Again, I'm not encouraging underage teenagers to have sex. Simply acknowledging that it does happen (often, if my DD's friends are anything to by) and you can't just assume he won't have sex again.

It's not a good situation but my DD has always known about safe sex from 13 onwards. I'd hate for her to have had sex before the age of 16 but I know it happens.

Just realised you said condoms weren't used. Quite apart from all the rest of it, why the hell is he not practising safe sex?!?

Agree with others - you need to get him down to the GUM clinic, and I supppose all you can do is pray that you're not shortly going to become a grandma...twice over.

I would also be discussing with him very seriously how it is that accusations of rape are flying around. This is not a normal reaction to teenage sexual experimentation.

I think the Op's son needs to have The Sex Offenders register explained to him, and whilst it may be consensual it is the boy's word against the girl's should she or her parents decide she has in fact been raped.
Bloody teenagers!
Keep him off social media.

Was the man the girls fathers?

One of DD's friends had sex aged 13. She messaged a guy aged 13 also, met up with him in a park, had sex and then they left. The Dad found out and wanted to press charges. It never went anywhere and the Dad was mortified when he found messages from the teenage girl to the girl persuading him, saying she was on the pill, telling him he'd never lose his virginity, etc...

So it does happen.

You need to keep him at home for the time being, speak to him about consent and alcohol etc and get him tested.

worridmum ChicRock accussed does NOT MEAN GUILTY ffs

I'm perfectly aware of that thanks .

Though, accused twice... how does that look for him? Would you like your teenager hanging around with him? I fucking wouldn't.

I agree you need to keep much closer tabs on who he is with and where he is.

Grounded until the end of summer.

No social media.

GUM clinic.

Possibly a referral to CAMHS.

Girls being sexually active in their early teens is often symptomatic of deeper problems especially an unsettled home life. It sounds like your son may have run into the root cause of this girls problems.

I think you need to talk to him so he understands that people who are prepared to have casual sex in risky situations are often vulnerable so it is his responsibility to say no when he thinks that might be the case. Which for girls under 16 is always.

If my 14 year old son thought it was acceptable to have sex in a park whilst a mate watched OR have a casual sex 'during the Easter holidays' is just mind boggling. To then being accused of rape BOTH TIMES as well I'd be taking a long hard look at both my parenting skills AND the kind of young man my son was growing up to be.

It sounds as if lad has no respect whatsoever for girls and sees them as there for his sexual gratification. He needs to be hauled right back in and dealt with. Yes, teenagers have sex - fact- but most decent lads would find a dirty little fumble with a girl in a sodding park with his mate present to be pretty grim. His attitude really needs looking at - one day an irate dad might really beat the crap out of him for these grubby little liaisons with a daughter.

Yes ChicRock hes a disgusting monster that should be stigmtsed because he had underage sex that was consetual til the girls parents found out about it?

So if you knew a female teenager who was sleeping around with boys would you want her kept away from your children or is it only because hes male?

(tbh I am more worried about the 15 girl having sex with a 10/11 as that is boarderline pedophile but when i pointed that out i was accused of S**T shaming (i hate this term btw) and the girl can have sex with as many people as she wants despite the ages.....

He does need to say say no!

Have you discussed relationships with him compared to a quick shag??

There's a high emotional gap for young teens which makes sexual relationships difficult

Margaret, all children were under 16 and all were by your reckoning vulnerable.

You can't make the girl the victim and insinuate the ops son is some sort of predator.......the same could be said both ways.

I was having sex at age 13, I shouldnt have but I did. Not because I abused or vulnerable but because I was a cocky shit who thought I knew best. Along with all the other kids my age who were in a rush to have sex.

I wasnt brought up by some fag ash lil type either, I had a perfectly normal upbringing, if anything it was pretty idyllic.

Comfortable shouldnt those girls who have no respect for boys be regined in as they see the act as sexaul gratifying and one day a irrate mother will one day beat the crap out of her for her little liasons with her son?

Oh wait its the males that have to be regined in to protect females because they have no agentcy of themselves and its only the boy that is getting sexaul gratification Please take your sexist nonsense elsewere its the 21st and woman can be just as grubby as men can....

worridmum So if you knew a female teenager who was sleeping around with boys would you want her kept away from your children

If she's been accused of rape TWICE then yes!