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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
sashh · 09/08/2017 07:19

worridmum

If the girl's mum was on here I'd be telling her the same, but the OP is asking about her son. Yes the girl has committed a crime too.

Original poster
allotmentgirl82 · 09/08/2017 20:20

I told the Police he has PDA

OP posts:
rolopolovolo · 09/08/2017 20:31

This reply has been deleted

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MimiSunshine · 09/08/2017 20:42

rolopolovolo you are foul. I don't know what thread you're reading but nothing the OP has written suggests anything like what youve just put

CannucktheCrow · 09/08/2017 21:26

rolopolovolo - so are we just going to ignore that the OP saw the before-and-after texts, which reveal that it was consensual, and make up our own narratives for shits and giggles?

OP - the best advice I can give you is to not come to Mumsnet for advice on this situation.

Scaredycat3000 · 09/08/2017 21:41

Not RTFT, you can see where this would go, the nasty side of MN. Your poor DS, social media is not your friend when you are a teenager. All mistakes are recorded and can be turned very public.

RebelRogue · 09/08/2017 22:34

@rolopolovolo

  1. The man did not want to press charges,he wanted to beat up the son.
  2. He's not even related to the girl,he is a "friend"
  3. The messages suggested the sex was consensual
  4. The violence OP mentions is towards himself not others
  5. He actually has two conditions that explain/contribute to his behaviour and a 14 yo would not be sent to jail as such anyways.

HTH

Mumof56 · 09/08/2017 23:22

I read the link about PDA you provided OP. It talks a lot about dominance and control. Obviously I don't know what happened but that is worrying when he is now being accused of rape.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 09/08/2017 23:45

*sashh Tue 08-Aug-17 14:06:57
Your son is committing sexual crimes, possibly rape. He is risking being put on the sex offenders' register.

The only reason he is not being charged is because he is under the age of consent and he should think himself lucky not to be charged.*

I really wish uninformed posters without knowledge of actual law would stop posting as fact when they are talking absolute bollix.

There is no lucky about it ffs - they are both underage of consent - if she'd been older than him than it would be HER on a charge. Stop chatting shit ffs. It's embarrassing. She was NOT raped and went on to ask for a repeat - I was NOT raped by my 17 year old BF I willingly slept with him.

Stop making women look like victims who can't enjoy or agree to sex because you know?? they like it!

SpareASquare · 10/08/2017 00:05

There's no baby/s

Yet.

There will be

rolopolovolo · 10/08/2017 00:05

1. The man did not want to press charges,he wanted to beat up the son.

So?

2. He's not even related to the girl,he is a "friend"

So?

3. The messages suggested the sex was consensual

Lol, what shite. In the REAL WORLD, we know that rape victims don't always send a text saying "thanks for raping me". Why don't you go and learn about rape culture and come back to me.

4. The violence OP mentions is towards himself not others

I bet there's violence towards others that she hasn't mentioned.

5. He actually has two conditions that explain/contribute to his behaviour and a 14 yo would not be sent to jail as such anyways.

I never said he would be sent to jail. That's exactly why I suggested dealing with it now.There's absolutely nothing about his condition that suggests he can't rape someone.

rolopolovolo · 10/08/2017 00:08

btw - I'm not attacking the OP. I feel sorry for her. What 14 year old is running trains on girls in a park? When he gets over 18, his condition won't protect him from the law. OP is homeschooling him and it's clear he's not socialized. He may not know how to behave with girls his own age.

Get him help before it's too late.

inniu · 10/08/2017 00:22

He needs professional help.
PDA or not if he is having sex with random very young girls that meets online and doesn't actually know the next girl could easily be 12 rather than 13 and then he would be subject to criminal charges and be put on a sex offenders register.

waitingforthewaterwars2 · 10/08/2017 01:05

What I take from this, is that your son needs to be more supervised than he seems to be , even more so with the instances of self harm and the nature of his disorder.
I feel so sorry for you that this has happened, but unfortunately whatever message you are teaching him about sex, respect for women and appropriate behaviour is not sinking in. It's terrible that this kind of drama has landed at your door and I wonder if it has the potential to taint his views about sex permanently, and if there are more instances you are not aware of.
My oldest DS is the same age as your son and there is no way he'd have the opportunity to shag a girl in a park/while on holiday/or in a group scenario. None. And tbh, he would know the kind of behaviour was wrong. That your son did not/does not may be linked to his disorder, but I'd bring in a third party counsellor or the like for him to independently talk to - whether he likes it or not.

UnconventionalWarfare · 10/08/2017 01:23

This reply has been deleted

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CannucktheCrow · 10/08/2017 01:23

rolopolovolo - there were relevant messages from both before and after the encounter. Obviously its not categorical, but if I read messages between two people saying "let's have sex" and then, later "the sex was great, thanks!" I wouldn't jump to assume it was a rape.

Neither of the girls seem to have alleged rape, just an angry man, who apparently has no interest in reporting anything to the police, seemingly acting the big man and threatening to rape the OP's son.

It's great that 'you bet' the OP's son has been violent towards other people but, in the absence of evidence, it just seems like wishful thinking on your part.

sashh · 10/08/2017 08:54

I really wish uninformed posters without knowledge of actual law would stop posting as fact when they are talking absolute bollix.

Unfortunately I know more about the law and how it applies to sex crimes than I would like to.

She was NOT raped and went on to ask for a repeat - I was NOT raped by my 17 year old BF I willingly slept with him.

If your bf was 17 and you were 12 then he raped you, that is the law, girls under 13 cannot give consent.

Sex with a child under 16 is illegal even if you are also a child.

I know there are loads of children enjoying sex and having fun but they should be aware it is illegal and the possible consequences.

randomer · 10/08/2017 09:02

Nobody is saying women can't enjoy sex. In the scenario described there is no woman and there certainly isn't any dignity and respect.

GinaFordCortina · 10/08/2017 09:08

Stop making women look like victims who can't enjoy or agree to sex because you know?? they like it!

Stop making comments that imply children are women.

GinaFordCortina · 10/08/2017 09:11

Im so sick of the way "sex positivity" has actually distorted all the good and ironically positive things about sex.

We must all pretend that 13 year old girls are just super kinky and in to being tag teamed in the park right?

GinaFordCortina · 10/08/2017 09:14

And to whoever said I can't assume he enjoyed it, yes I can. I can assume he had an erection and then willingly put his dick in this girl which is a pretty good indication he had fun. And I'm reasonably confident that this 13 year old girl was not having screaming orgasms while giving his mate a hand job. This in no way meets the bar for enthusiastic consent.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 10/08/2017 09:15

Not read the whole thread so apologise if someone has said this but have you thought about taking him to a sexual health clinic? Many people get embarrassed by having to be swabed by a stranger and it will make him realise that he is risking his own health by doing this!

He needs to be grounded. I don't personally think that a 13/14 year old are able to fully consent to having sex as they lack the maturity to properly think through the consequences

DownstairsMixUp · 10/08/2017 09:33

There's no women in this story. Hmm this is beyond messed up.

MadMags · 10/08/2017 12:46

For the hard of understanding on this thread: NO WOMEN WERE INVOLVED IN THESE SEXUAL MISADVENTURES.

hth.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 10/08/2017 12:50

No women and no men were involved in these sexual misadventures.

Also hth.