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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
Tazerface · 07/08/2017 16:36

Not sure why it's normally a problem for 14 year olds to be out and about on their own in the summer holidays?

He needs to be honest and transparent with the police and I would discuss reining in his sexual appetites. I'm surprised tbh that after getting a visit from CID he still went on to have sex with someone else?

I'm not sure how you stop a young teen from having sex unless you are confident you can keep him in the house or within sight of an adult at all times.

LindyHemming · 07/08/2017 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VestalVirgin · 07/08/2017 16:37

Son got grounded. Good. Ground him some more.

Make him write an essay on why it is important to use condoms, so that you can be sure he got the message.

As he won't be able to leave the house in the near future anyway, he can use the time to think about what he did and why it was fucking stupid.

Supervise him more closely, both to protect him from that crazy man and to make sure he doesn't get a girl pregnant.

I hope he already gets therapy, with the cutting and all.

I hope the parents of the girls react appropriately, but seeing as the first girl seems to have a male adult friend who threatens underage boys with rape, probably not. Confused

ClaudiaWankleman · 07/08/2017 16:38

I think you need to find out if there are any other girls. How does he know these girls - if through school friends then you probably need to monitor those friendships in case anything else happens via that route.

Grounding for his safety is a good idea, as is taking a social media and phone break - not as a punishment but as a protective measure. He can have friends over if he wants to socialise for the moment.

itseasybeingcheesy · 07/08/2017 16:40

To be honest I agree with those being on the stricter side of things. He needs to know he needs to earn trust back. He has endangered himself multiple times both physically and in terms of exposing himself to the possibility of being a teenage father twice.

It's not safe for him to be out with people trying to hurt him and he's not safe being alone with teenage girls as he has demonstrated he has no self control and doesn't appreciate the consequences of his behaviour. Ground him until end of hols and curfew him thereafter until he has earned your trust back.
He could have fathered more than one child, contracted or passed on STIs, been open to the girl withdrawing consent, been accused of rape on a serious level, he has broken the law multiple times, lied to you and put himself in harms way.

We have absolutely no insight into how he's been patented so I am not actually saying that this is our fault however the brunt of the consequences must be dealt with by you. Be hard on him. He needs it to learn a hard lesson.

ChicRock · 07/08/2017 16:40

He is 14 years old and was in the local park ffs

He was at a town 10 miles away ffs.

Get a grip of your son and teach him about consent and contraception, before he gets done for rape, gets someone pregnant or his cock turns green and drops off.

Corcory · 07/08/2017 16:40

Oh dear Hun, not good. I'm sure you have talked to your son about underage sex. Do you think he now realises it was a bad idea? This age really is a mine field. Times have changed enormously since I was that age where it just wouldn't have occurred to me to have sex as I thought it was dirty and disgusting even if I did really fancy boys. We have recently had a close shave with our DD who is 12. she went on a camp the other week and came home with a 'boyfriend'! They were texting constantly. Luckily the boy lives a long way away and he is obviously trying too cool it. She's autistic and we are worried about her being taken advantage off - but that's another story. I fell you need to talk to someone about your son's lack of self esteem and self harm and see if he can be helped with this. Hope the police and SW can see that it was consensual and in that respect should be sorted out but a very serious talk to your son about his responsibilities even when his self esteem is being given a massive boost by the attention. Good Luck.

NoodleNinja · 07/08/2017 16:42

Ground him definitely, he needs to see the seriousness of all this while you keep him safe at the same time.

Social media is a very dangerous place where he will be named and shamed if people think he is out raping girls. I would be tempted to post publicly through his facebook about the whole thing including that he has proof that it was all consensual but then again that would probably open up even more cans of worms. It's a tricky one though a,s if people are tarring him as a rapist already and nobody really knows the real story, then it will take a while for it all to calm down and I'd fear for his safety during that time.

Get all the advice you can from SS, the police, school when it starts up again, GP and anyone else who offers help.

terrylene · 07/08/2017 16:43

Keep talking to him.

Boys are very vulnerable to the idea that they have to go along with having sex because it is expected of them. I knew a 13 year old who became a father because of this. It wasn't what he wanted, and the sex wasn't what he wanted - he just thought he should do what was expected.

Keep talking, give him other things to do with his time to keep him out of this.

If he has got involved in some sort of grooming, then move, or do what you have to to keep him safe

VestalVirgin · 07/08/2017 16:43

Why is this man saying it's rape not underage sex?

I suspect the man is crazy, thinks the girl is his property, and considers it rape because he wasn't asked / was told it was rape as he'd have murdered the girl otherwise.

Doesn't seem like a nice person at all!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 16:43

He is 14 years old and was in the local park ffs.

Yeah having non protected sex with his friend also there if he was given a hand job, by the sounds of it!

ClaudiaWankleman · 07/08/2017 16:44

@ChicRock That isn't that far though? For many people that will be the nearest town with shopping and a cinema, maybe where they go to secondary, and it's very normal to travel for a day out with your school friends. I was further than 10 miles from my school for a long time. Don't make that minor detail bigger than it is.

itseasybeingcheesy · 07/08/2017 16:45

Oh yeah and he needs his social media access revoking and a trip to the GUM clinic is in order. To be honest I'd be inflicting some sort of community service/responsibility type punishment as it's a fraction of what he'd have been in for if that girl had actually said she'd been raped. I think he needs to have impressed upon him the actual magnitude of the mess he could've got himself into

Genghi · 07/08/2017 16:45

This is quite confusing and a big dripfeed. So the girl he had consensual sex with is telling people he raped her? Why is she doing that? And if so and he's been discharged why aren't the police charging her with harrassment? Or is the second girl accusing him of rape?

If more than 1 girl has accused him of rape I strongly suggest you look closer into the allegations. Confiscate his phone so you can see messages/internet history. Rapists aren't often those you expect.

ChicRock · 07/08/2017 16:46

Claudia That isn't that far though?

A couple of weeks after CID have been knocking at your door because your son has had sex with an underage girl, and the night before SS are due to visit about this, yes it's too far. OP clearly hasn't a fucking clue what her son is up to.

isadoradancing123 · 07/08/2017 16:47

Must have got in with wrong crowd????? No, he is the wrong crowd

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 16:47

Do you know why his self esteem is low? Is this something that could be explored/worked on as well? It sounds like almost deliberate self-destructive risky behaviour.

Good luck op, I know how it feels to be oblivious then playing catch up with a secretive teen...

ClaudiaWankleman · 07/08/2017 16:49

@ChicRock Well she wouldn't necessarily have a clue what he was doing if the park was at the end of their road, would she?

Viviennemary · 07/08/2017 16:49

Your son needs to be reined in and told very firmly that he will be in very serious trouble if he doesn't stop having sex underage. It doesn't sound these men are being properly dealt with by the police and there is no excuse for their threatening behaviour. But your son needs to stop having sex at the age of 14.

VestalVirgin · 07/08/2017 16:52

This is quite confusing and a big dripfeed. So the girl he had consensual sex with is telling people he raped her? Why is she doing that? And if so and he's been discharged why aren't the police charging her with harrassment? Or is the second girl accusing him of rape?

It seems none of the girls has actually accused him of rape, they just didn't want to say with whom they had sex, and the adults around them assumed it must have been rape because the girls didn't have boyfriends.

Without more information, I am going to assume it was a bunch of teenagers with low self-esteem doing stupid things because the adults around them neglected them. (Not blaming the OP, more the general society that teaches teens that it is expected of them to have sex)

livefrommysofa · 07/08/2017 16:53

It sounds like you are already taking the correct steps. It sounds like you are being honest and open with the agencies involved.

This has nothing to do with council estates or poor parenting. I come from a loving safe home and lived in a nice area and went to a excellent school but I was the only one of my friends that hadn't lost their virginity by the time I was 15. I was desperate to lose it just so I wasn't the only girl in my group to be a virgin! It was the same with drinking and smoking, teenagers are drawn to do what is forbidden.

GreenTulips · 07/08/2017 16:55

I'm sure the police wanted to do background checks etc on all involved - I doubt they'll do nothing -

Does gen know who they are? Has he contacted the girl? Get him off social media!!

14 year olds are a nightmare -

fiorentina · 07/08/2017 16:58

Those people who are shocked he's out and about at 14 in the park seem a bit naive. I grew up in a 'good' area and many many people at school had sex at that age, as well as smoking and drinking in the park. My parents were quite strict too; but teenagers aren't stupid at getting round rules. I don't think giving the OP a hard time is helping.

ChicRock · 07/08/2017 17:01

When your 14 year old son has been interviewed by CID in connection with what started out as an investigation of rape, and is then being hunted out by a second party accusing him of (another ?) rape, he shouldn't be out anywhere - local park or 10 miles away.

"Grounded for a couple of weeks" - pathetic.

Yeah I also knew lots of teens who had underage sex at 14/15 - didn't know any - and still don't - that'd been accused of rape twice by age 14 though.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/08/2017 17:02

Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him

The police said he will be arrested if he comes back to your house?? I don't understand why they haven't arrested him.