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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 20:07

I didn't get that he was investigated for rape from the op. I got that the police came around about underage sex...

Of course the boy needs to understand the consequences of his stupid behaviour but I think yes, actually, he has been unlucky.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:14

Ground him.
Suspend fb and other social media.
GUM clinic ASAP.
Talk about safe sex and underage sex,hopefully he'll be too terrified to even think about it for at least a fee more years.

For posters that don't "get" it.

Ds had sex with a girl. She told parents afraid she might be pregnant but said she didn't know with whom/refused to give names. Parents assuming rape ,involved police and who investigated and found out it was consensual underage sex and talked to all kids involved.

Scary guy threatens DS online and shows up at the door shouting rape,as during easter break DS had sex with another underage girl. OP did bot know about this,but after seeing messages between him and this other girl thinks it was all consensual as well .

He is not a predator or a rapist,but he is a dumbass and OP needs to keep a closer eye on him to protect him.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/08/2017 20:15

He wasn't accused of rape at all.

The first girl refused to say who her sexual activity was with to begin with so they assumed it was with someone over the age of consent and therefore rape. It was rape in the sense that she could not give consent because of her age rather than because she was unwilling. When she admitted it was a 14 year it was no longer classified as rape as they've both committed the same offence against each other which cancels them both out.

Presumably the man is a relative of the girl who won't accept that. And they got the address because the girl knows him.

MimiSunshine · 07/08/2017 20:17

Clearly it won't be long before a girl gets pregnant thanks to his promiscuous behaviour

You do understand that both parties are responsible for contraception don't you? And 'slut shaming' a 14 year old? Nice.

Just because the OPs child is male doesn't make him automatically a predator or somehow more in the wrong than the female teens also having sex in a park like some pp seem to think with the whole 'tell him a girl under 16 can't consent'.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:19

Also given the misconceptions on this thread and the people shouting rape and saying sex with an under 16 is rape because of age(it's actually under 13) you can see how the parents of the two girls jumped to the same conclusion,especially if the girls were shifty about whom,where ,how.

chinam · 07/08/2017 20:20

Clearly it wont be long before a girl gets pregnant thanks to his promiscuous behaviour ☹️
What utter shitology. The girls need to be responsible for themselves as much as this boy does.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 20:20

And 'slut shaming' a 14 year old? Nice.

Who has 'slut shamed?

He is being promiscuous. He has had unprotected sex at least 3 times with different girl's.

He has had sex at least once with his mate also there, in a park.

Those are fact.

2014newme · 07/08/2017 20:22

What a dreadful family! Social services needed before this gets even worse.
Disgusting

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:22

tell him a girl under 16 can't consent'.

That's exactly why the police dropped it once the facts were established. She had sex with someone under age of consent,he had sex with someone under age of consent. If no coercion was involved,you can't prosecute just one of them.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:24

@PigletWasPoohsFriend who's the third girl? There's only 2 in the op? Girl from easter(with the crazy relative) and girl from the park(that the police investigated).

Whosthemummynow · 07/08/2017 20:24

I'm deeply saddened that you think a 14 year old having unprotected sex in a park with someone basically tag teaming with their mate is something that is just 'teenagers being teenagers

Not sure how you came up with this from my comment.
Some serious reading between the lines going on there!

randomer · 07/08/2017 20:26

its disgusting behaviour.

Floofborksnootandboop · 07/08/2017 20:27

Op, you are getting such a hard time and I don't understand why. Please ignore the horrible comments and people calling you names.

I know teenagers as I have 4 and was one myself believe it or not I remember being in school only 14 myself and everyone around me seems to be having sex, I know from my teens that they had sex before 16 as well not as young as 13/14 though

Your family are not dreadful, they are not disgusting. Your son has made a very stupid decision but so did the girls and all the others involved.

Just keep talking to your son, make sure he understands what's happening and why. Make sure he knows you are always open to talk to him about anything.

Don't let him out for a while, wait until it's dies down a bit. Don't ground him, still let his friends come over and he go to friends but don't allow him to get out and about, for his own safety.

GinaFordCortina · 07/08/2017 20:28

I might be a boring old prude but I don't believe a 13 year old girl really enjoyed shagging a boy in front of his friend in a park and then giving the mate a hand job. I don't care what the messages say she's trying to make your son like her and he's taking advantage. Your son and his little friend need to be on lock down. Disgusting

MadMags · 07/08/2017 20:29

His carry on in the park with his friend and this girl was absolutely vile.

There's no question of that, is there?

It seems really, really odd that a random grown man would react like that psycho because ds had sex with his "friend".

GinaFordCortina · 07/08/2017 20:30

The girl sounds like she's been groomed as well when you take in to account the dodgy older man and your son is just another male using her. I hope she gets some help.

GinaFordCortina · 07/08/2017 20:32

I'd be devastated if my sons did what this boy did

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/08/2017 20:38

Also OP, your son isn't a monster or a predator.

How do you know?

As others have said, even if having sex at 14 is fairly normal (not sure sharing a child-girl around in a park is normal) it's very... unlucky... to receive multiple rape accusations.

randomer · 07/08/2017 20:38

thank god I am not a lone voice and being called a prude. Before anybody jumps on me yes i know its not about me.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:39

Btw,don't get me wrong, o am posting from an unbiased/ how the law sees it pov.
If my kid was involved in anything like this,boy or girl, I'd be seriously angry with myself and them and devastated. I am not condoning their actions or saying it's all ok.

2014newme · 07/08/2017 20:40

The op said he was grounded but then he went out. No proper discussion that this was wrong and illegal.
I feel sorry for all the children involved as the parenting is crap.

RebelRogue · 07/08/2017 20:41

@DailyMailReadersAreThick one rape accusation from some crazed up grown up male who claims to be a "friend" of the girl and was accompanied by 3 other grownups.

MadMags · 07/08/2017 20:42

I too would be utterly, utterly horrified if my son acted this way and I would consider myself to have well and truly failed as a parent.

Papafran · 07/08/2017 20:47

I agree with you Gina. This is a million miles away from losing your virginity to your boyfriend even if you are under 16. It is not comparable. She is 13 years old for god's sake. There need to be serious consequences for this boy- it is not enough to simply tell him off. You do not treat people in this way- using them as a piece of meat to be passed round your friends.

I had a friend who did this sort of thing when she was very early teens. She was in fact deeply, deeply troubled and ended up on drugs and alcohol, leaving school with no qualifications. She was also raped on one occasion by the friend of a guy she had just slept with. I knew loads of people who had sex before they were 16, but she was the only one who would do it in parks, with strangers, with more than one person in an evening etc. In her case, it was a symptom of something quite seriously wrong.

I don't know how you would do it, but he needs help.

Iizzyb · 07/08/2017 20:50

Apologies if this has already been said but get your son a lawyer quick & don't talk to anyone else until you've had legal advice. If he admits his actions it is much easier to prosecute. This is the best thing you can do for ds imho x

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