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AIBU?

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Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
SkintAsASkintThing · 07/08/2017 17:49

He hasn't been accused of rape chic.......the police visited him because he had underage sex. The police also visited the girl involved and the other boy 😬

In that case, as the girl was the instigator should she be prosecuted for grooming ?!?!!

Katiekatie37 · 07/08/2017 17:51

I think you should ground him for his own safety if nothing else. He has a group of adult males after him you need to keep him safe and have a big talk with him about the risks involved possible criminal record and how that will affect his life chances.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/08/2017 17:52

First things first he needs to get tested for stds.

He needs to be open and honest with police and SS. It'll be worse for him if he's found out to have lied and it'll make it harder to get the truth believed later on.

He also needs some councilling. He's clearly behaving in a way that's inappropriate and coupled with the self harm I'd say the sex is part of his self destruct.

Don't be mad and scream at him. Right now you need him open and engaging in dialogue. However tell him he cannot go out without you or DH for the time being for his own safety.

worridmum · 07/08/2017 17:53

Btw Chic under UK law a Female can never be accused of rape as the archaic UK definition requires there to be a penis involed so your scenario would never happen and would be of the "lesser" crime of sexual assualt

Bellabooboo · 07/08/2017 17:56

Where is OP?

SparklyMagpie · 07/08/2017 17:59

I'm really concerned about the facy he's apparently had sex twice with two different girls, with no contraception.

Have you and your DH ever spoken to him about the importance of safe sex OP?

Aside from the accusations etc,these girls could have fallen pregnant ( i'd like to think that the parents of these girls have spoken to their daughters and booked a GP appointment atleast)

This is one scary,messed up situation.
Thankfully my son has only just turned 2 so i have a while to go yet but safe sex will most definitely be something i will be drilling in at the age appropriate time.

Whats happening with him now? He really needs to be made more aware of just how serious this is. He's not the only one putting himself in danger here

You do also need to find out if theres any other girls he's had unprotected sex with. Given the space this has happened with the two girls,i have to admit i wouldn't be surprised if theres more and considering no protection was used these times,it would have been used again

Can't imagine how you and your DH feel right now, but hopefully this is a big kick up the arse for you both

Keep talking to DS and cooperate with social services,police etc and keep all evidence.

Get him off social media also!

I think you said he lacks self esteem (apologies if i'm wrong) so this concerns me a little if thats the case to be in this situation , you need a sit down and a very serious discussion.

EezerGoode · 07/08/2017 18:03

Why haven't you drummed it in to him ...girls can't consent under age 16... it's against the law and the boy always gets the blame..that's what I drummed in to my teenage sons...none of this equal rights shit.i told them straight ,if she's under age,they get the blame..exactly as you've just found out...you need to co operate fully with the police and ss.and get your son some help for his mental health ..this is going to effect him..the threats and the sex.neither is he emotionally capable of managing

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 18:04

and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.

He needs to understand respect. But he also needs to understand the law.

He needs to respect you and stop having this trouble being brought to your door. Which will keep heppening if he keeps having sex with underage girls.

He needs undersatnd that condoms are a non negotiable.

Tbh i would be grounding him. For his own protection and for the fact that he seemingly cant learn his lesson.

Shiraznowplease · 07/08/2017 18:08

Have no practical advice, just wanted to say to everyone bashing op that hope everyone else and their dc are whiter than white... people in glasshouses, stones and all that! I just feel lucky that both of my dc are under ten and hopefully all those hormones are still quite a while away!

Cantdenyit · 07/08/2017 18:10

A worrying thought is that he may well have had sex with other girls. You know about these because someone turned up on your doorstep i.e. the police and a man (a girl's father/relative?) I would have thought that was an uncommon way to find out your son had had underage sex twice.

scrabbler3 · 07/08/2017 18:13

Ground him for his own safety and tell him to cooperate with the authorities. You'll all get through this.

angelgirls · 07/08/2017 18:13

I think your lucky all your son was got was a telling off!

My sister is a prison warden in a boys young offenders, she has 15 year old boys in there and their crime was having sex with their 15 year old girlfriend... these boys will now be on the sex offenders register and serve time in prison

LakieLady · 07/08/2017 18:16

Your son has been an idiot, but he's only 14, the girl was willing and it sounds like no coercion was involved. I bet he's really regretting it now and with a stern talking to and appropriate punishment will probably have learned a massive lesson and been much more responsible in future.

I'm actually more concerned about the lack of action against the man threatening all sorts against your son and posting malicious messages online.

eyebrowsonfleek · 07/08/2017 18:17

I've been thinking about this.
When my son was 14, he got into some trouble (not sex). What I ended up having to do is ground him for his safety. I'd basically given him a time out from an adult situation that he couldn't (and shouldn't!) handle. At the start he was angry but in the end was happy that he'd been plucked out of a situation that he couldn't handle.

I think that other than grounding him, you need to confiscate his phone/Internet (social media and messaging) so that he can retreat from this road that he's too immature to handle. Deactivate Facebook .

You need to find out the truth from him. How many other girls has he had sex/sexual contact with? I think that a trip to the GUM clinic could be sobering and embarrassing

CadnoDrwg · 07/08/2017 18:21

allotmentgirl82 I don't know if you're still reading because there are some really unhelpful harpies on here but here's my advise for what it's worth.

  1. Get back to basics with your son about social media and security settings. The man shouldn't have been able to message him in the first place.
  1. Encourage him to let you know if he receives anything threatening from anyone. Make sure it's reported to the police and the social media people e.g. Facebook
  1. Go back to basics about safe sex and why it is so necessary to wear protection
  1. Drill into him that random sexual encounters paints a picture about his behaviour. It's all well and good he currently has messages to confirm it's been consensual but all it takes is a misunderstanding and he could be in serious trouble and be the cause of something horrible for someone.
  1. Actually ground him. Remove his devices and get him to show you that he's capable of making adult decisions before you let him have his freedom again.
  1. Report every threatening act to the police. If someone turns up on your doorstep remind them you are reporting them to the police and that your son is a minor.

I hope you manage to get this under control and get your son to see that although he may not have done anything wrong in the police's eyes at present he certainly isn't doing the right thing either.

19lottie82 · 07/08/2017 18:31

angel the law has changed now. If a child between the ages of 13 and 15 sleeps with a child of the same age, they won't be prosecuted, unless it was rape.

Upyourdaisy · 07/08/2017 18:52

There's no doubt your son has been a prat and he needs a proper talking to, but we're also talking about a girl who had 2 sexual encounters (sex with your ds and a hand job for his friend) within hours of each other. Any idea what's happening with her op?

NannyRed · 07/08/2017 18:55

I'm going to be blasted for this but..... you're the fucking parent, you never taught him that sex under 16 can never be consensual hence it is always classed as rape. Now he has the girls dad threatening to break his legs, hopefully he will have learnt a lesson. Let's hope she's not pregnant.
He thinks he's being clever having underage sex, because you didn't teach him the basics! Angry dad is the least of his problems if she is pregnant.
Either make sure he knows the law or let angry dad deal with him. At 14 he shouldn't be having sex with anyone.

Flowersandfootballs · 07/08/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2017 19:07

Nanny red that is not true. If you're teaching your children that it is wrong

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 19:08

I take it here that no posters have children under 16 that would ever have sex if offered to them?? Bonkers.
You lot don't understand children at all....

GreenTulips · 07/08/2017 19:12

how is a girl's home life considered 'chaotic' when sleeping around when a 14 year old boys home life is not brought into question?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 19:12

Nannyred, making things up is not helpful.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/08/2017 19:13

NannyRed

if you are going to rant at least get the legalities right.

Iris65 · 07/08/2017 19:16

14 and out on his own 10 miles away while this is going on? That is unreasonable.

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