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Original poster

14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

300 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 07/08/2017 16:03

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 07/08/2017 19:17

Ground him. Properly.

Go through his phone and online accounts to make sure that security settings are properly set.

Ask for support from SS, including therapy for his self-harm

SheldonsSpot · 07/08/2017 19:18

I take it here that no posters have children under 16 that would ever have sex if offered to them?? Bonkers.
You lot don't understand children at all....

Huh? Confused

Just for clarity, I'm sure there are lots and lots of under 16's having sex.

But having police involvement after two separate sexual encounters with two separate girls, with the word "rape" being bandied around both times, well he's either the worlds unluckiest 14 year old or....

PlaymobilPirate · 07/08/2017 19:19

Op you're getting a really hard time here.

I work with teenagers - lots of them are having sex. It's not great but he's not a 1 off, not a predator and it doesn't make you careless. My mum certainly didn't always know where I was at all times at 14.

Keep talking to him - no point bollocking now really but I'd be approaching it in a matter of fact way and making sure he talks regardless of embarrassment.

Does he know why we have a 16 law? What does he think of it? Does he think that he / the girls are too young? Does he know the implications? Pregnancy, std, emotional issues etc?

I'd be keeping him grounded - not really for having sex but for being irresponsible and to keep him away from the crazy man.

Don't beat yourself up... Lots of the comments are really shitty. I see the other side, the kids with holier than though parents who haven't got a clue what they're up to.

Whosthemummynow · 07/08/2017 19:23

I'm assuming alot of the posters on here don't have teenagers.

Some people just love sticking the boot in.
The cunts.

perper · 07/08/2017 19:23
  1. He does not understand safe sex, and therefore should not be having sex. You as a parent need to stop that- if that means he can't leave the house alone, so be it.
  1. He does not understand safe online usage, and therefore should not be having unrestricted internet access and a facebook account that you cannot check. If that means you take over his account or switch the internet off, so be it.

This situation has reached a serious stage, and you need to protect him from himself. Forget any ideas you might have had about him 'being responsible' and it being part of growing up. Having grown men threatening to rape him, because in their eyes he has raped other girls, is bloody serious. Serious parenting required here.

perper · 07/08/2017 19:25

Pressed enter too soon...

I say this in follow up to PlaymobilPirate , who I completely agree with- you'll need to be having those kinds of discussions with him. Read online for advice first if you're not confident, and ask for professional help.

XiCi · 07/08/2017 19:25

How did these men from a place 4hrs away from you get your address?

HipsterHunter · 07/08/2017 19:25

The multiple sexual encounters, police involvement, threatening men, rape accusations, the ability to get to a town 10 miles away etc all seems like an extremely chaotic home life.

He is too immature to handle casual sex (as evidenced by the rape allegation and the lack of protection).

He needs to be properly grounded, someone he respects give him a a rehash about safe sex, probably do some work on his self esteem and what a good relationship looks like. I'd also get him down to the GUM clinic for a test.

Honestly if I found out a child of mine was having unprotected sex a ton of bricks would come down on them. How can they be so stupid?

milliemolliemou · 07/08/2017 19:27

OP. Sympathy is all I can say. Does your son go to school? Can your husband talk to him man to man? It may be consensual sex but horrendous STIs are going round including syphilis which is becoming untreatable. Does your son want to become a father aged 14?

I'm sorry he's having to hide and run and you feel threatened. But he's 14 and he has all this on his plate? Are you both working so hard he doesn't have anyone to come home to? Can you explain how it's ended up like this?

HipsterHunter · 07/08/2017 19:31

I'm assuming alot of the posters on here don't have teenagers

I'm deeply saddened that you think a 14 year old having unprotected sex in a park with someone basically tag teaming with their mate is something that is just 'teenagers being teenagers'.

Some of my friends were doing shit like that, and it didn't do them any good. They almost all got into situations that have damaged them.

This kind of situation is not one you should ever brush off as 'teenage fun'.

Sex in a committed relationship is totaly different to this.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/08/2017 19:34

skint, I don't think he's a predator. But it is true that being sexually actively at a young age tends not to be an indication of problems in quite the same way it is for girls. Partly because they are not taking the risk of pregnancy so it's not quite such a risk taking behaviour.

It's for his own good he needs to know this as well as the girls concerned. Having sex with people who are prepared to do it in risky inappropriate situations not only is unfair to them, but puts you at risk of becoming embroiled in their problems. This is true for boys and girls. It's a sad fact but also a true one. The OP can't warn the girl about this but she can warn her son. I would say it equally applies to the girl too, she should probably be giving boys who drink and shag in parks a swerve too.

EskSmith · 07/08/2017 19:38

FGS some of you don't have teenagers or are die hard city dwellers.
At 11 my DD will daily be catching the bus to a city 15 miles away. It is a totally normal thing for those of us who don't live in a massive connurbation.
Sympathy op sounds like you are working hard to get on top of the situation.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 19:39

I'm assuming alot of the posters on here don't have teenagers.

In my case you would be wrong.

HTH

Whoooooooho · 07/08/2017 19:39

Those things just don't happen overnight. This might have an history of neglecting parenting. I bet this child/teenager drinks alcohol usually, have nights out every so often otherwise he will be "traumatised" or will "hate his parents" just like in many others ridiculous mumsnetter's opinions. Now you have the consequences and to be fair, that's what you and your son deserve. Be thankful it happed while you still can do something about the way you do parenting.

GreenTulips · 07/08/2017 19:43

How did these men from a place 4hrs away from you get your address?

Quite possibly the Snapchat app -

ghostyslovesheets · 07/08/2017 19:46

I'd be seriously concerned - where is he getting the message that he can shag young girls without protection ? His attitude to sex would concern me

I agree to a point EskSmith (my 13 and 15 year old go out with mates most nights) BUT If I had concerns that they where engaging in risky/dangerous/unhealthy behaviour (especially verging on criminal) I would act - they would not be out unsupervised.

I'd be looking at some support to work with him around his understanding of sex and attitudes to it - if it carries on he's risking a criminal record (if the next girl lies about her age and is 12 for example) but he's also at risk of sexual exploitation himself

MadMags · 07/08/2017 19:47

He's been accused of rape twice within a couple of weeks, and you've since discovered fb messages from other people accusing him of rape?

Wtf is he up to??

Quite apart from anything else, your "d"s and his friend meeting a girl in the park so they can both engage in sexual acts with her is beyond grim.

Have you ever taught him to have a shred of decency or respect?!

You need to get control of this kid and fast.

FlowerSour · 07/08/2017 19:48

Also OP, your son isn't a monster or a predator.

The accusations are worrying but accusations aside, underage teenagers having sex is not as unusual as some people here seem to think.

Teenagers who have sex early are not necessarily 'messed up.'

I had sex before the legal age because I wanted too. I used protection and put myself on the pill. I don't regret it. I didn't wait until I was 16 as I didn't really give a shit. I had a normal upbringing and was in a steady relationship. Guy was the same age.

My DD hasn't had sex. She is 15. However, three out of her four friends aged 15 have, one at 14, the others at around fifteen and a half.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 19:49

He hasn't been accused of rape twice (or even once)
Why are people saying this?

Papafran · 07/08/2017 19:52

He hasn't been accused of rape twice (or even once)
Why are people saying this?

Well the first time, the police were involved and they investigated him for rape but found that this had not taken place. The second time, this man has accused him of raping someone. So, I don't think it's unreasonable to say he has been accused at least once.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 07/08/2017 19:56

Not by the girls or by the police. The police were not at all interested. He has communication that shows it was consensual.

I don't count a guy who says he is going to rape him as a reliable source, nor his mates in fb.

He has been a foolish twat, certainly, that has opened up this horrible horrible can of worms, but there is nothing here that says more than that.

EskSmith · 07/08/2017 19:58

Agreed Ghosty. Op reads as if she believed him to be trustworthy, now it is a whole different ball game and it should be a long road to earn his privileges back.

Papafran · 07/08/2017 20:02

Not by the girls or by the police. The police were not at all interested. He has communication that shows it was consensual

OK, histinyhands, he was investigated for rape, which was then dropped. With the second case, who knows, but there has been an accusation even if it does not come directly from the girl. That is pretty unlucky for a 14 yo and a very unusual thing to happen.

MavisFlumpTheFairy · 07/08/2017 20:05

I'm confused.
He's had consensual sex twice recently that you know of but some man who lives 4 hours away has accused him of raping his friend and turned up at your door with three other blokes to teach him a lesson?
You know he had sex with a girl at Easter as well be but don't appear to have addressed that either?
Just how many random girls has he had sex with and who's the man's friend he allegedly raped?
😳

MavisFlumpTheFairy · 07/08/2017 20:07

Clearly it won't be long before a girl gets pregnant thanks to his promiscuous behaviour ☹️

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