14yr old son had consensual sex with friend (long post)

[allotmentgirl82]

Local CID turned up at my house a couple of weeks back, they came in and explained that they'd had a report of a girl having underage sex with my son. The girl is 13, my son 14. The girl had been facebook messaging both my son and his best friend to meet up. They all met up in a local park. The girl and my son had sex, she also gave his friend a handjob. The girl then met up with my son the next two days and they had sex both times. Condoms weren't used. Afterwards she sent him messages saying she enjoyed it, wants to do it again in future with him, my son agreed with her.
She then worries that she'll get pregnant so tells her Mum she's had unprotected sex but wouldn't say who with. Her Mum called the police, interviews were done, swabs/tests/internals etc
Girl says she doesn't know who with, so police put it down as rape.
Girl next day tells police she does know who it was, but didn't say as they are friends and didn't want to get them in trouble as they are older than her (both son and friend are 14).
CID reports this all to me, tells son off, but says as it was consensual by everyone that no further action will take place as in effect they are all victims of a crime. It goes on all their records. Son gets grounded and a telling off from me and hubby.
Fast forward to yesterday- Son goes out to meet a friend.
A man turns up at our door asking for our son, we say he's not in and what do you want him for- he wouldn't say. Husband sends him away.
We call son and pick him up (from a town 10 miles away)
We ask son if he knows who this man is- son says early this morning he was sent threatening messages via fb chat. Man who came to door sent them. Man threatened to kick his teeth out, knee cap him, and rape him. He said he knows where he lives and will come and get him and bury him. Son is obviously petrified (hence going to a town 10 miles away). Man took a photo of our front door and sent to our son saying he'll get him later on.
I ring police and report messages the man sent. Advised to call 999 if he turns up.
3 hrs later i have to call them, man is at door shouting about my son raping somebody. Son is crying and runs upstairs to hide (he answered the door).
Police come round, take info from both sides and send man and his friends away (there was 4 of them). Tell man he will be arrested if he bothers us again.
Man said son has raped one of his friends, son doesn't even know this man - he lives 4 hrs away from us. Son tells us he had sex with another girl in the easter holidays (again consensual). I have seen the before and after messages to prove this.
Son was getting threats from other people on fb about him raping girls.
Police are coming around tomorrow to take proper statements and screenshots of all the messages received and sent between him, the man, the two girls involved.
I don't know what to do.
Social services came round today about the first incident, i told them about what happened last night and he made notes.
I've talked to son about sex many times, and how he should respect both himself and others. He has low self esteem and cuts himself when upset.
What should i do?

his show me where in the thread the OP's son has been referred to as a man?

Because we've actually had posters talking about women enjoying sex.

I was just being helpful, as you were.

But I made a relevant point, and you...?

My point is relevant, thank you.

It's also true- unlike many of the posts on this thread.

Op hope you are ok and able to get through to your ds.

My point is relevant, thank you. No, it's only relevant when you are countering a point made, and you aren't, because no one at any time called the son here a man.

Fucks sake, this is a thread full of abject nonsense about 12 yr olds, and violence in the home and police investigations and you are annoyed that I've pointed out this boy, as are the girls, is a child?
Okay.

And actually, this thread was started by a mother looking for advice. Anything that is not advice (and let's include in that all the oh I'm such a superior parent shit) could be deemed irrelevant.

OP is your son getting any help with his selfharming and general challenging behaviour?
My daughter is autistic with extreme mood swings and violent episodes, to herself, myself and others, she was referrred to a psychiatrist a few years ago and is now on medication. It has helped though not erradicated the behaviour.
rolo we don't need to read up on rape culture to know that your scenario is far fetched. The text messages are evidence that the sex was consensual whether you like it or not. Though I'm not sure why you would 'lol' about it.

Teenagers have sex. Even theasier ones who say my to teenagers dont have sex (some) probably are. Them who seem to know where their where/what your teens are doing at all times. No you don't not 100% of the time.

This is what I think has happened. The teens had sex in the park because they could not do it in either of their homes. So they done it in the park. Stupidly did not use anything. The girl tells her mum because she was worried about pregnancy. Girl then wont say who because she does not want to get the boy into trouble. Because the police then say it's rape. Girl then panics and says who it was and that she and the boy wanted to do it. So no further action taken.

I guess the girl did not want to say who it was because of the madness it may cause which is has. Threatening messages and photos. And adults turning up on the door step making threats which there is proof of and nothing is done. That seems very odd.

The text messages are evidence that the sex was consensual whether you like it or not.

total shit. plenty of people text their rapists if it was an acquaintance rape, sorry. this boy is violent, anti-social and needs help.

it was a mistake to home school. didn't fix the problem. only put it off.

in fact it's scary that people are so stupid as to suggest that "texts" mean rape couldn't have occurred. I guess if a woman doesn't leave her DH straight away it wasn't abuse . I guess if she goes back and says I love you and stays in the relationship, it couldn't be abuse because there are texts...

Anymore stupid myths about rape to share?

rolo 'plenty of people text their rapists if it was an aquaintance rape' - do you have any evidence for this claim? Or any evidence that these particular girls didn't consent?

Any evidence yet, Rolo? If you want to call other people stupid and talking shit then you should really be able to back it up with actual evidence and facts.

noeffing are you seriously suggesting that women don't continue to talk to their rapists?

Have you ever read anything about rape and sexual abuse? I'm actually horrified by your attitude and really hoping I'm somehow misunderstanding.

I think rolo is under the impression that if a boy has sex with a girl under the age of 16 they are a rapist (even if the girl is in fact older).

Currently as it stands it was consentual so if any charges were going to happen it would happen to both as they both commited the same crime.

The police did not press charges as it is not in the publics best intrest to criminalize children (for what appears to be conseual if under age sex) and they cannot only charge one offender (the boy) when both of them commited the same crime.

Like I have seen on threads on here when a 15 year old girl got pregenent by an 11 year old people were asking why he wasnt facing sex chargers even though the girl commented the far more serous crime as no one under the age of 13 can consent so she under the eyes of the law commeted sexaul assualt rather then the lesser crime of under age sex... but on the thread in question the girl who was in final year of secondary school was being treated like a victim while the first year pupil was being demonized as a preditory...

The thing is we haven't seen the texts/messages. That's why I (particularly ) said they SUGGESTED to the OP it was consensual . Even if we did see them there is still a possibility they do not reflect the true feelings of the girl over what happened. It's also possible that they do. Only the girl knows.

If we can't take the texts at face value though,then I'm even more suspicious of a young UNRELATED male throwing his weight around ,making threats and stalking a 14 yo boy.

Sorry no edit button so just to add..

What bugs me the most is the length some posters would go to to vilify and make this boy out to be a predator, from stating complete made-up things as facts to twisting every little thing to portray him in the worst possible way.
Forget advice and support, some people are too busy building up a case against him.

Rolo - son has only been home schooled since May, before that he attended high school yr7-9 and before that junior school R-yr 6.

What prompted you to home school

Randomer- Son has severe anxiety due to his PDA, he was in a separate unit within his mainstream school for 3 terms having one to one tutoring. He was making progress and they needed the space so they placed him back into normal classes. Unfortunately, 3 weeks after being put into normal classes it was exam time- he had to do them despite only having been taught Maths, English and Science for 3 terms. He struggled and had a meltdown during his History exam. He refused to attend school after that, and went downhill in his mental health (started cutting again), being secretive, sleeping routine (couldn't sleep at night, would fall asleep at 3am) etc
School had given his place in the unit to another child.
We asked about community hospital schooling coming to our home to tutor him, but the Attendance Officer wouldn't allow it- saying ' many other Autistic children attend school, he's just playing up', and that we need stricter boundaries and need to force him into school.
Attendance Officer sent us a formal letter of intent about his low attendance percentage (21%) and set up a meeting with the education board.
My son's Dr wrote him a medical sick note excusing him from school as he's too poorly to attend. Attendance Officer said it didn't matter.
I took him out after that as i feel his mental health is more important than attending school.

The Police are coming on Tuesday to take a statement from him, and screenshots of the messages by the man that turned up last Sunday.
They've also asked for his phone, so they can look at the other messages being sent to him from other teens.
Son is still grounded and will be until at least Tuesday. He has no phone, access to the internet or tv in his room.

We know the first girl was 13 but has the OP said Do we know how old the second 'Easter holidays' girl was?
I find it a little odd that your DS got this very scary message from this man and instead of telling you ran away to the town 10 miles away. It makes me wonder if he knows he is guilty.I am wondering if there is another incident you don't know about?
Your DS needs to be aware that, despite the police letting him off with a slapped wrist, he DID commit a crime, to go on again and repeat the crime with another underage girl so soon after does not bode well and I don't think the police will pass it off so lightly this time

I can understand totally where the OP is coming from. It's really difficult to get through to teens, let along ones with mental health problem. We have two adopted children, one 14 who can be quite violent to us and his sister but is not interested in girls. We also have an Autistic DD who is 12 and much of this thread really struck home. Recently she went on an outward bound camp and came back with a boy's phone number. They started texting and wanting to meet up. Luckily I am able to monitor her texts and see what is being said. In fact she was the one leading him, a friend of her's egged her on to make more provocative suggestions too!! Luckily the boy was not happy with this and backed off massively. So in my experience girls of this age do try and egg boys on. My DD is very venerable and is not let out on her own etc. From our experience of this holiday I have already spoken to her social worker and will be getting CAMHs and spectrum support involved in trying to improve her understanding of what you do and or say in a sexual way with boys. So please don't just come down on the boy in this instance girls can be much more sexually advanced than boys at this age.

Hi again
Myself and son went to the Police station on Tuesday to give formal statements and screenshots of all the messages involved between the man and my son.
The Police Officer gave son some advice on respecting himself and others, and how he is being a danger to himself by adding unknown people on Facebook.
The Police Officer said the man will hopefully be charged with Malicious Communications- (it is down to the Investigating Officer to decide on a punishment)
Son has been allowed out of the house, although he returned after 30 mins saying he felt anxious being alone in public.
Son doesn't have access to internet or his phone, and it will stay that way until i can trust him again.