Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
early30smum · 03/08/2017 21:01

My DH and I had massive rows about this when DC were small because he said the same as your DH. He worked v long hours though (12/13 hr days if not more). It caused a lot of stress and resentment on both sides. I don't really know the answer but you are not alone!

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 03/08/2017 21:02

Yes it is reasonable to expect him to help. However, the exact nature of that help will vary in each household and unfortunately no one here can tell you what works for you.

You need to find a way to discuss this calmly with dh. I think men often find it difficult to adjust their lifestyle when a baby comes along because they are not physically forced to like a pregnant/labouring/breastfeeding woman has to.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 03/08/2017 21:02

Yes it is reasonable to expect him to help. However, the exact nature of that help will vary in each household and unfortunately no one here can tell you what works for you.

You need to find a way to discuss this calmly with dh. I think men often find it difficult to adjust their lifestyle when a baby comes along because they are not physically forced to like a pregnant/labouring/breastfeeding woman has to.

NapQueen · 03/08/2017 21:02

If he is having mon-fri undisturbed then he does the night wakings when he doesnt have to go to work the next day.

People say the worker should have a full nigjts sleep but if you were back at work you would have to share it.

leafv · 03/08/2017 21:03

My husband works and he helps at night

BubbleBed · 03/08/2017 21:04

If he doesn't help at night, then he needs to take on some chores so you CAN nap with the baby in the day. Then he gets a full night's sleep, you get to catch up in the day, and he does something like washing/cleaning/cooking, which tbh he should be pulling his weight on anyway. You're a partnership, you're not his mother or slave.

Penfold007 · 03/08/2017 21:05

What are his plans for when you go back to work?

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 03/08/2017 21:05

IMO yes, it's unreasonable to expect him to do night wakings on workdays. You can nap the next day if you have a baby, but he can't nap at work.

NapQueen · 03/08/2017 21:05

Does he get the baby up with him on a morning while he is getting ready for work? So you can lay in til he leaves?

fruitlovingmonkey · 03/08/2017 21:06

YANBU given the hours he works. My DH doesn't often help during the night, but he works 60+ hours per week so I don't expect him to.
Can you afford any help around the house? I don't see why you should do everything. If you were both working PAID full- time jobs surely you would share the cooking, laundry and cleaning?

InDubiousBattle · 03/08/2017 21:06

I'm a SAHM and dp works ft. For us it has always varied. There were weeks when the dc were little and dp had very early mornings and long, high pressure days when he would go to the spare room and I would do all the night wakings. Normally I would do the lions share (all when i was bf )but he would always do his fair share when we switched to f. When I got pregnant when ds was 10 months dp did lots of night wakings. Now our dc are 3.5 and 2 and night wakings are few and far between but dp really does his share.

WideHorizon · 03/08/2017 21:07

No, if you are SAHP then night wakings are your responsibility IMO.

Can you afford to outsource some of the load? Get a cleaner, a morning of childcare each week so you get a break?

katiegg · 03/08/2017 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FadedRed · 03/08/2017 21:09

Mine did. And when I went back to work at three months post partum, on the night shift, he had to do everything. We both made the baby, so we both looked after the baby. Simples.

Hapaxlegomenon · 03/08/2017 21:10

This might be an old fashioned view but I do try and let my dh have undisturbed sleep all the time since he is the worker. He does help in other ways like doing dinner in the evenings, and taking the baby at around 7am on the weekends so I can go back to sleep. He is much more effective when he isn't tired. He also sleeps in a different room so he doesn't get disturbed. However if I told him I really needed help at night he would try and help me.

Witsender · 03/08/2017 21:11

We had a conversation early doors about the split after working hours. The only thing I had the bulk of was feeding for obvious reasons, which for the first year included most night wakings. He would do any early mornings, take them while he showered and got ready etc while I snoozed. We have always had one lie in each on a weekend

MiniAlphaBravo · 03/08/2017 21:12

This is one of the main reasons you're on maternity leave, sorry YANBU. He should do some house work and at weekends could help overnight.

Btw when you say she's waking for a nappy change does she actually need a nappy change or could you shush her back to sleep?

manhowdy · 03/08/2017 21:12

In my house, when DP gets home from work I hand him the baby. The next morning when he leaves for work, she's my responsibility again. I wouldn't accept it any other way.

JagerPlease · 03/08/2017 21:12

Personally, I would say when she only wakes once or twice (god am I envious) you should probably do both wakings on weeknights. DW and I have both worked at times (shared parental leave) since DS went into his own room. On average he probably wakes 4 or 5 times a night, can be nearer 10. We either take it in turns, or one does pre midnight, one does after

Writerwannabe83 · 03/08/2017 21:13

My DH helped out every night. He'd do all the nappy changes and then sit up with me whilst I breast fed. He always said the baby was both of ours and he would never spend the night sleeping whilst knowing I was up at least three times and permanently exhausted.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/08/2017 21:15

You'll get a broad spectrum of replies; probably more telling you that YANBU. But you are. You are the SAHP so it comes with the territory.
I'm sure there'll be some husbands out there that work 100+ hour weeks as brain surgeons yet manage to do all the night feeds and changes without complaining, but as the SAHP - it's part and parcel.

LightHeartedThread · 03/08/2017 21:15

Why would you not want to help your wife get some sleep?

Of course he should help.

user1499333856 · 03/08/2017 21:15

He should do some of the night waking on Friday and Saturday night. That would be supportive.

Moanyoldcow · 03/08/2017 21:15

Mine always helped. He was of the opinion that it was easier being tired at work than when looking after a baby.

When it was particularly bad we did 'shifts' so he'd be 'on duty' from 10pm until 2am say, and then me after that but it wasn't rigid.

During the first month when I was recovering from my c-section he'd go to the baby, do the nappy etc and then bring him to me for feeding so I didn't have to get up in pain. I feel like he's quite unusual but not unique by any means.

sadmum2017 · 03/08/2017 21:15

I don't know what I'd do without my DH. He does 50% of the care, even though he works through the week. I have a job to do too, looking after the baby alone during the day. We're a team, we take turns to have weekend lie-ins and share the burden.