Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
Luckymummy22 · 03/08/2017 21:36

In Maternity Leave I did all the nights when hubby was working the next day and then we split it at the weekend so each of us could get a 'long lie'. On occasions when I had a tough couple of nights and was really tired or ill for example then he would do it.

HumphreyCobblers · 03/08/2017 21:37

I think it is terribly mean of anyone to watch their partner struggle so much with sleep, yet feel entitled to a full night of sleep seven nights a week themselves.

You can argue about the specifics until the cows come home, different people will have different opinions about the type of help that is appropriate, but to do nothing to help at all seems just so callous.

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2017 21:37

He's hardly working unsocial/long hours.

Yes he should help.

koalab · 03/08/2017 21:39

How old is your baby? I do all the night waking but mainly because I'm breastfeeding so DP can't really help. From fairly early on though (when baby started to get the difference between day and night), I would only change the nappy if it was a poo. But I do appreciate that I may have been lucky to have a baby that only pooed once or twice a day, and rarely at night (not so lucky in other areas though).

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 03/08/2017 21:39

My DH never got up whist I was off paid work and to be honest it didn't worry me in the slightest. He has a responsible job and needs to function well. I could and did sleep when the baby slept and lie on the sofa if I felt like it. eat biscuits and suit myself

At the weekend, we took turns. When I went back to work, the same.

I do think some blokes get a rough bloody deal. I am no bloody pushover, but what handing the baby to your DH when he walks in and not joining the 2nd shift. Wow.

Bandicoots · 03/08/2017 21:40

Women get up in night and work, so it ie a bit lazy if men won't.

MelvinThePenguin · 03/08/2017 21:41

My DH does not 'help'. He co-parents.

I am on maternity leave. 2 days a week I am at home with DD1 (2) and DD2 (11 weeks). 3 days I just have DD2 while DD1 is at nursery.

DH recognises that having both kids is exhausting and even when it's just DD2, running the household singlehandedly isn't a breeze either. Sure, it doesn't take the mental input my job does, but in many ways I actually find it harder. It can be so monotonous and with serious sleep deprivation, would probably drive me crazy.

We take it in turns to do night feeds. That usually now means that we each get a full night's sleep every other night. We think this is fair.

PoorYorick · 03/08/2017 21:41

Am I the only person who fell down the stairs while holding the baby and crashed the car with the baby in it due to extreme exhaustion still needed to sleep even while I was on maternity leave?

shirleythefamilyguy · 03/08/2017 21:42

I really think this is totally subjective. I work full time and do all night wakes for my 18mo as he's still breastfeeding (this can be just 2-3 wakes or, like last night, the whole bloody night). But I function fine on little sleep whereas my sahp DH doesn't cope with broken or reduced sleep so if he chipped in he'd be reduced to a pile of useless matter on the floor Grin

If you're struggling then you probably do need to ask your partner to help, whether that's just at weekends or during the week as well, or else as pp have said you should cut out some of the other tasks you do and sleep when your baby sleeps (if possible - mine only ever naps in a sling so I've never enjoyed that particular luxury Wink ). But only you and your partner can work it out or know what's best for you both.

Sweetnessishere · 03/08/2017 21:42

DH didn't have any option as my maternity leave was very short so we had to take it in turns, in fact there was never any question or need to tell him we just did.

MaisyPops · 03/08/2017 21:42

When he has work the next day then as the SAHP it's your thing to do the baby things in the night.
When he doesn't have work the next day then he should absolutely be doing his share.
If you were both working then you'd split it.

Original poster
JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 21:45

Wow so many responses so quickly - thank you all so much for taking the time.

At the moment I'm on MAT leave & was planning to go back to work but that's currently gone tits up - a story for another time. Either way yes at the moment I am a SAHP so I appreciate him having to bring in the bacon for us. When she's only up a couple of times a night I would never expect him to wake up, it's literally only at times like this week when I feel like a walking zombie having been woken soooo many times. I found myself falling asleep holding her during night wakes the last couple of nights which is dangerous and really scared me a lot, that's when I lost my shit at him & insisted he get out of bed when it had got to the 7th time she woke up!

OP posts:
FrogsSitonLogs · 03/08/2017 21:46

Stop thinking of it as helping, its parenting and he should be doing his share.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/08/2017 21:46

what lovely hours he does !!!!! i thought you would say he leaves home at 5am and back 10pm and then fair enough

but he does short daysso when home he can help with washing, cooking, cleaning etc and when dd naps daytime you sit down and rest

and yes he can do a friday or saturday

Phineyj · 03/08/2017 21:46

DH did every Fri and Sat night and I slept in the spare room. We also did the late/early shift thing in the early days. DD was bottle fed and we planned everything on a whiteboard (DH is an engineering efficiency specialist!)

That seemed fair to me. Also I am way more grumpy than he is on little sleep and a worse driver even when well rested. So there may have been an element of self/DD preservation on his part.

PoorYorick · 03/08/2017 21:46

No, being on mat leave does not make you a SAHM. Very good of you to appreciate him having a job, does he appreciate you being constantly exhausted, with your life utterly upended and on horribly broken sleep?

Sheesh, I have a bloody job too, where's my medal?

MelvinThePenguin · 03/08/2017 21:46

No PoorYorick. I might have done one of those things with DD1. Clue: we lived in a flat then.

Heatherjayne1972 · 03/08/2017 21:47

My ex refused point blank to do night feeds at all for any of my three
Even when I went back to work

Note the ex - lazy so and so

crazypenguinlady · 03/08/2017 21:47

I think it definitely varies in each household and the type of job your DP does factors in. If hes a long distance lorry driver, then obviously he needs to sleep.

For us, DP has helped since day 1. He would do most of the nappy changes when I was breastfeeding then started helping with night feeds when we switched to formula. DS was a high needs baby at first (colic) so I needed rest to cope with dealing with him on my own in the day. Now, He actually does most of the night wakings (we share feeds, I'm talking about DS being restless and unsettled) as he can settle him far more efficiently than I can. No idea why, naps are fine but baby doesn't settle for me so well during the night Confused Hmm

koalab · 03/08/2017 21:47

In that case YANBU. Make sure you get some rest .

Livingdiisgracefully · 03/08/2017 21:47

Tbh I think it all comes down to attitude and communication. My dh was like this and it still stings years later. I was too exhausted to fight it at the time but I still feel resentful. If, however, he had sat down with me and worked out how he could help while still being effective at work, I would have felt completely different. Heard and valued. He really should do some of the weekend night shifts, give you a break at weekends so you should have some time to yourself. Those who are saying it goes with the territory are ignoring the relentless exhaustion of doing absolutely everything on practically no sleep. Resting during the day (laughable for some whose babies don't sleep, they just nap) is not always easy, and doesn't replace quality sleep in any case. Try to explain to him how it makes you feel and thrash out an agreement that makes you feel supported. That will make a massive difference to how you are coping. Take care OP, it will get easier!

Mynewballoon · 03/08/2017 21:49

DH has never EVER got up in the night for our DD. Not once. She's 8 months old now and I'm fucking knackered!

Original poster
JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 21:50

Also last week I hit our brand new car onto a concrete bollard whilst parking as my brain just decided to stop paying attention to the bleeping sensors - DH thinks someone else hit it, I now realise it's because I was extremely bloody tired - it's not like me at all (the pre baby me) so it scares the shit out of me to be so clumsy, especially as I have a baby to care for!

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 21:51

No, being on mat leave does not make you a SAHM.

Well, it makes you a mother who is currently not going out to work and is looking after a child?

BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 21:51

I stayed at home when our three were little. I found it most helpful to have my DH stay up with / be responsible for the babies until midnight, and then if there were futher wakings, I would have them on work nights. That way I could go to bed at 8 or 9 in the evening, and get a decent chunk of rest. It also helped, frankly, if we slept in separate rooms for those first 2-3 months until they slept through the night.