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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
Imamouseduh · 03/08/2017 22:14

In my house, when DP gets home from work I hand him the baby. The next morning when he leaves for work, she's my responsibility again. I wouldn't accept it any other way.
Blimey. So when does your husband get a break?

lelapaletute · 03/08/2017 22:19

Orange bird hugs it's awful isn't it?? Bless him he's so good in so many other ways but I neeeeeed some alone time and a kip! On the fee occasions I've flat out begged him to take her he's been like "ok, I'll take her, just let me have a shower and get dressed etc and then you could go back to bed" -THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT IS I DONT WANT TO GET OUT OF BED, DARLING, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WOKEN UP 6 TIMES LAST NIGHT AND CAN BARELY OPEN MY EYES NEVER MIND SPRING INTO ACTION AND AMUSE A HOWLING BABY WHILE YOU FAFF AROUND FOR 45 MINUTES!!! sigh

One day we will sleep again!!!

Hastalapasta · 03/08/2017 22:20

Dh helped as much as he could when I was bf, now he mostly deals with the night wakings, he has the magic baby whispering skills....
Am a SAHM, he works 7:45 - 5:30 mon-fri.

Friend of mine had her DH making snacks for her at 3 am, then winding the baby at 3am, then going to work at 6am for months.....

Your dp needs to be a little less selfish I think.

Butterymuffin · 03/08/2017 22:21

The thread shows that ideas vary but the one consistent thing is that he should certainly be getting up at weekends. In my book he should also give you a decent lie in one day at the weekend. Most importantly, stop doing housework when the baby naps and rest yourself, even if you can't properly sleep. You may do if you keep trying and lie down each time. Housework is the most dispensable thing and your husband can cope with beans on toast more of the time if he's not doing any of the getting up.

NetflixandBill · 03/08/2017 22:22

My DH does nappy changes in the night- the logic being that he only has to be up for 5 mins and probably only once doing that whereas i have to sit up for however long while i breastfeed. He also helps with settling however, as the baby falls asleep quicker on him than on me.

manhowdy · 03/08/2017 22:23

Blimey. So when does your husband get a break?

When he's at work of course.

Underthemoonlight · 03/08/2017 22:23

Yabu I'm at sahm to three dc and did all the night feeds whilst tending to other dc during the day including school run and a toddler plus housework and cleaning. My DH drives for a living and is up at half 5 so it's important that he gets his sleep so he's fit to drive. My DH did do the night feeds during the weekend so it enabled me to have a break. Does your dh do that?

StinkyMcgrinky · 03/08/2017 22:24

I returned to work in February but while I was on leave I was at home with DS1 (18 months) and newborn DS2. There was absolutely NO daytime napping possible and I was regularly driving to visit family/shopping/visits to friends etc....so DH and I would share all night feeds and wakings. (I would have happily punched the next person who told me to "...sleep when baby sleeps!". Oh, and what do I do with my toddler? Sterilise bottles? Have a sandwich? Hmm)

Ds2 is now 13 months and STILL wakes up 2-3 times a night. I work 8-5.30pm and DH works 8.30-6pm. He cycles and I do pick up and drop off at the childminders. I also have a chronic pain condition which tiredness exacerbates. DH does the majority of the night wakings still but I do the majority of the cooking and bedtime routine while he -pisses about- works on his bike. As far as we're concerned we both made the decision to have a family and are both responsible for their care

GinIsIn · 03/08/2017 22:24

DH did try to help but he's a reeeeeally heavy sleeper so he's never once been woken by the baby, meaning I would be woken up and then have to vigorously wake him up by which time I would be awake anyway so it's easier just to do it myself.

ForeverBubblegum · 03/08/2017 22:25

I do all the night waking because usually what settles DS fastest is a feed, if I'm exceptionally tired DH will try but it takes much longer and keeps me awake anyway. He gets up with him in the morning though (about 6) and I get to sleep in until 8 when either he gos to work or I need to get ready for work. That way I can catch up on sleep so it doesn't get on top of me.

Lindorballs · 03/08/2017 22:25

So much of this depends on what your husband does for a job. There's obviously room for compromise. My husband doesn't work particularly long hours but he does do a job where a mistake could kill someone so it's important that he's not exhausted, and I generally feel when you're off on maternity leave looking after your baby is your job. That's why you're not at work, so on the whole you should do the nights. But why are you doing so many chores? This is where your husband could and should be doing more. Put your feet up and rest or nap in the day! When my DD away a baby my husband used to stay up later than he would ideally like around 11-midnight ish to give her dream feed with a bottle so I could go to bed earlier then I would deal with night wakings as I was breastfeeding in the night so no point waking him when he couldn't do anything anyway. If I was having a particularly bad night I would occasionally rope him in to try and settle her for a bit eg if by 4 am I'd only had a couple of hours sleep but I would only do that rarely. When I went back to work we strictly took it in turns so we knew we'd have a maximum of one tired day to get through and would try our utmost not to disturb the other one.

NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 22:26

Housework is the most dispensable thing and your husband can cope with beans on toast more of the time if he's not doing any of the getting up.

That's a good point. He can certainly get himself a main meal at lunchtime while he's at work if that's an issue. One thing to knock on the head for sure.

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 22:26

Even if you subscribe to the idea that working always requires a full night's sleep, it is ridiculous that you are at the point where you are unable to stay awake when holding the baby or are making mistakes driving, while he is having 2 full nights' sleep before days when he's not working.

Nancy91 · 03/08/2017 22:28

I think it's fair if you deal with the baby on weekdays but he mucks in on the weekends. I wouldn't be able to function properly at work with very broken sleep, but I would still be able to look after a baby when knackered. I'm not saying it's easy for you but work is not a "break", it is very draining and you need to be switched on, not half asleep.

Hakarl · 03/08/2017 22:38

When I was on leave with a newborn I did the nights as a general rule because what she wanted was milk and I was breastfeeding so it was really not possible to delegate that. He would do a bit of comforting now and then when the breastfeeding didn't 'work' at sending her back to sleep, but usually he got a lot more sleep than me.

I'm not sure how we would have done it if we were bottle feeding but probably I would have still done the weekday nights at least. I don't know, I was the one sitting on the sofa for large chunks of the day and getting a few naps so it felt reasonably fair (except for the biological unfairness of being the woman with the breasts). I did basically no housework or other domestic tasks like providing dinner, though - that was on him. I also used to often hand her over in the evening and go to bed super early so that I would get at least a small chunk of sleep in before going back 'on duty'. He would take her on weekends in between feedings as well so I could do longer naps. I was still desperately sleep deprived at times, but there it is.

manhowdy · 03/08/2017 22:41

work is not a "break", it is very draining and you need to be switched on, not half asleep.

I run two businesses. I have three children. I have previously held 9-5 jobs of varying degrees of importance.

The hardest, most tiring job I have ever done is looking after a small baby.

Unless you are doing some seriously tough manual labour, work absolutely is a break. Both mentally and physically.

Dumdedumdum · 03/08/2017 22:48

If only one parent attends to the baby, it becomes very hard to switch this when you might need to (eg when you're both back at work, or one of you is away overnight). Ideally you want both parents to be capable of comforting a child.

Nancy91 · 03/08/2017 22:48

Manhowdy if I'm tired and I mess up a tiny little thing it fucks so much stuff up, it totally depends on the job but it doesn't have to be physical labour. In fact if I was tired I think physical labour would be one of the only jobs I could competently do. Lack of sleep would probably lose me my job! I don't see work as a break. It's not a break. It's tiring. That's why you get days off.

53rdWay · 03/08/2017 22:49

If you're falling asleep holding the baby and hitting things with the car because you're too tired to concentrate, then you absolutely need to get more sleep one way or the other. That is dangerous.

(And yes of course people in most jobs can cope at work on broken sleep! How do you think couples with babies manage when both are back at work?)

FrogsSitonLogs · 03/08/2017 22:54

You need to tell him how absolutely exhausted you are and he needs to start doing his share. What do you think he will do if you both work? To be honest it sounds like he has a very nice life whilst you're permanently exhausted. Stop doing all the housework and washing too! What on earth does he do when he gets home?

Hakarl · 03/08/2017 22:59

P.S. Once we were both back at work and I had stopped breastfeeding at night (although I can't remember exactly when this was, maybe around 10 months?) then we were exactly 50/50 on night-wakings, although obviously by that point the bad nights were less frequent and usually not so bad, except in cases of illness, though she didn't actually sleep through the night until well past her first birthday. We are now in a blissful state with a lovely toddler who sleeps all through the night most of the time and about to wreck it with a newborn! I think we'll handle it the same way but I have said that our toddler is 100% his duty at night once the baby gets here so if she gets ill that's his job - I'm damned if I'm going to be responsible for two children through the night. And I think he'll be the one getting up with the toddler on the weekends ;)

TroubleinDaFamily · 03/08/2017 23:01

I haven't read TFT Grin

But we used to carve it up between us.

Thursday night, he and DC would decamp to the spare room, if his sleep was broken he only had to work Friday.

Friday night, same again..

Saturday same again....

Sunday morning I would do an early scoop, thereby allowing him to sleep until lunchtime.

Monday..........start again... Grin

We have only ever had the one, so this worked for us, but I cannot truly comment on anyone else's situation.

Emboo19 · 03/08/2017 23:01

Are some posters missing the fact OP, has said she's so tired she almost fell asleep holding the baby. Seriously what kind of father would put his own sleep needs/wants above the safety of his child?

I don't think I'd do all the night waking out of principle to be honest, same with housework. I can and do manage it all when bf is working away, but when he's home he does his share.

Threenme · 03/08/2017 23:03

**In my house, when DP gets home from work I hand him the baby. The next morning when he leaves for work, she's my responsibility again. I wouldn't accept it any other way.

If this isn't a joke then that is shocking!!!!

cowbag1 · 03/08/2017 23:05

I think the issue here is that you are prioritising a clean and tidy house over sleep. You need to sleep when the baby does in the day if you can (it's an irritating phrase but some people can manage this if their baby naps well) and then split any household jobs once your DH gets home. That's how we do it and DH has never once commented on coming home to a messy house (I'm on mat leave to look after our child, not to be the cleaner is his reasoning).

And you absolutely should be getting more sleep at the weekends; he can either choose to do the night wakings or give you a lie in.