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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
buttonhead101 · 03/08/2017 23:14

No not unreasonable. As much as men try to deny it it's just as hard staying at home looking after a baby as it is going to work. If anything it's easier going to work. I've never understood the mumsnet obsession that fathers MUST be allowed to sleep because working is so difficult and staying at home is easy. It's really fucking hard. I was never able to sleep when my DS slept in the day, I found working a break! And my DH completely agrees with me.

RudeDog · 03/08/2017 23:18

DH never ever did any nights (unless I was totally broken) - he did do all mornings and evenings though.
Took DD downstairs with him in the morning for an hour or so whilst getting ready and did evenings whilst I went off to bed.

I did have a friend who made her DH Get up with her for every breastfeed in the night to keep her company - he then had to go to work?!?

pringlecat · 03/08/2017 23:50

YABU. If only one of you is working, the non-working parent should do all nighttime duties before work.

Worst case scenario, you have a bad night - you take a nap in the day time at some point when baby does.

Worst case scenario, your OH has a bad night - he screws up at work and gets fired. You then have no money.

I agree at weekends (Friday nights and Saturday nights) he should suck it up because he's a parent and he no longer gets lie ins at weekends anymore because he's a parent and that's life, but during the week, he needs his sleep more than you.

My opinion would be the same if the genders were reversed. If you only have one income, you have to protect it.

Pallisers · 03/08/2017 23:54

50 years ago my dad worked 9-5 sometimes overtime and my mum stayed home with a toddler and a newborn.

The newborn had colic so was up a lot during the night.

They took it every second night. They were both working during the day.

PrimalLass · 03/08/2017 23:59

I didn't expect DP to help on work nights.

Urubu · 04/08/2017 00:01

I believe we have a great compromise:
DH does one weeknight, I do four.
Weekends we each do a night a get a lie in the morning after.

bollockss · 04/08/2017 00:10

Well if your DH is as fresh as a daisy and you're falling asleep looking after the baby then there's something obviously not right there?! I don't understand all this crap saying just because the earner is earning money out of the home they should get uninterrupted sleep?! SAPM does fuck all then does she?! My DH has always done is fair share because he cares about me and our DC

WombOfOnesOwn · 04/08/2017 00:11

I'm a bit shocked at people above saying they give the baby to their DH/DP when he gets home and only take the child back when it's time for the DP to go to work. So what, the "fair" division is for the working partner to work, then come home and work another shift that only ends when the morning commute starts? Crazy.

I'm a working mother and my husband is a SAHD to our 17 month old (with another baby on the way). If he gave me the baby and said "here, he's your responsibility now!" when I got home, I'd leave him, no exaggeration, and I wouldn't feel the least bit bad for doing it.

I don't expect him to do everything once I get home I cook, we both look after our child and both do his night routine together but I would be livid if he asked me to do night wakes on nights when I have to go to work. I'm out there not just doing my job, but earning promotions that are getting us a better future year-on-year. My husband knows full well how much I put into my job, and wouldn't want to jeopardize a good review or bonus by sending me to work with less than a full night's sleep.

If your partner is putting in a token effort at work and expects to keep doing the same level of job indefinitely, maybe being sleep-deprived wouldn't hurt too much. But if it's a stressful job with competition for raises and promotions, I think it's fair that each person gets one lie-in day on the weekend -- if the idea is that the working partner is taking BOTH weekend days, then that person never gets a chance to sleep in, ever, and can't possibly take a nap at work.

Dumdedumdum · 04/08/2017 00:16

It's teething time, 7 wakenings a night - surely that's all hands on deck even for those off to important jobs in the morning.

Dumdedumdum · 04/08/2017 00:17

Womb it was one poster.

HicDraconis · 04/08/2017 00:19

Unless you are doing some seriously tough manual labour, work absolutely is a break. Both mentally and physically

Rubbish. I don't do any manual labour at all and working is by far harder than looking after a newborn and a toddler (have done both). Working is mentally draining as I have to concentrate / focus 100% all the time. No loo breaks, no coffee breaks, no lunch breaks half the time.

DH did all the night wakings while I was on mat leave as well as when I went back to work - he has always been the SAHP. He still does them now (although boys much older, it's rare for one of them to wake in the night now but when they're sick it happens).

OP, I would suggest that your DH do some of the household chores when he gets in (cleaning, batch cooking, laundry) or takes the baby then so you can get some sleep in. You are obviously seriously sleep deprived if you are crashing your car without realising. I wouldn't get him to do the night wakes though - if he gets a decent night's sleep and you get to catch up in the day, it should even itself out. Always prioritise sleep over a clean house!

MommaGee · 04/08/2017 00:27

OP how much does DP do around the house?
I do all night wakes (DS is 2 yo and a good night is two wake ups) but I get a lie in Sat and Sun morning and if I'm tired once DH is home i got to bed for an hr and DH takes over.
However DH does a fair share of the washing up, tidying, clothes washing, bed routine etc. He has him if I want to go out to dinner with friends or if I'm volunteering away over a weekend

If baby naps at home, you needto nap too. Being so tired something awful happens will not be made better by knowing the house is spotless.

Your job is to look after the baby and do what stuff you can around the house. Once DH is home, chores are communal

MommaGee · 04/08/2017 00:29

Also when DP gets home, especially on the early days, go and have a nap

MargaretTwatyer · 04/08/2017 00:31

I don't really have a great deal of sympathy with you OP. I did all the nights with DS1 and caught up in the day. I have twins now and you just can't do that with twins. We both have to wake up now and we both have to work solid full days (even though I am at home it is like a proper work day with twins and a five year old).

Now I've actually experienced what it's like having full days with no opportunity for sleep catch up after having done night wakings I really sympathise with Dad's in this situation because it's horrendous.

Just catch up on your sleep. Buy microwave meals. Get him to help with the laundry.

But honestly, one child, no serious long term problems like reflux or allergies: I really think women in that situation have to take on the weekday nights, there's really no excuse not too. It's horrible, horrible when you really can't sleep after doing a night (rather than choosing not to, which is what you're doing).

JoshLymanJr · 04/08/2017 00:57

In my house, when DP gets home from work I hand him the baby. The next morning when he leaves for work, she's my responsibility again. I wouldn't accept it any other way.

Jesus wept, that is utterly moronic. So he gets no break at all, and you get (at least) half the day completely free?? Poor bustard.

Mynewballoon · 04/08/2017 08:33

Margaret - I agree with you. I posted earlier that DH has never got up with DD in the night and I'm knackered! But...knackered in a way I find funny, not in a way I want to LTB because he doesn't help. He works, I look after our child. I'd never ask him to get up in the night. He doesn't do feeds or nappies either, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest!

manhowdy · 04/08/2017 08:56

To the single mums who work full-time AND raise 1, 2, 3 kids....I hope you are enjoying the 'poor husband' 1950s hand wringing on this thread Grin

53rdWay · 04/08/2017 08:59

It really should bother you, Mynewballoon. I'm a working parent and I would never dream of doing so little actual parenting of my own child, let alone making the other parent deal with all the sleep deprivation. You know, Tony Blair changed nappies sometimes when he was Prime Minister? What's your husband's job?

Pengggwn · 04/08/2017 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manhowdy · 04/08/2017 09:05

My mum was like you Mynewballoon when she had my younger brother (I was 8). I remember thinking she was a sucker then and still do.

bertiesgal · 04/08/2017 09:09

I always got up with the baby when on Mat leave. As soon as I returned to work we shared the night time wakening. Our last 2 were twins so we both had to muck in at night. DH was knackered because he was working the next day and didn't have the option of doing the minimum But I did (our laundry pile grew dangerously big).

I'm not a 1950s hand wringing housewife. We are a team and we work out how to best balance the division of labour. It worked for us and I'm still madly in love with him. Whatever works for each couple but I saw mat leave as me giving up one job for another for a year. We each tried to share the load at the weekend so that we could get a lie in each.

Incidentally DH is a big fan of breast feeding and I'm pretty sure is because it guaranteed him a guilt free sleep 🙄.

FrogsSitonLogs · 04/08/2017 09:11

Why did he have a child Mynewballoon? Is he just a Disney dad and just does the fun stuff or does he not even do that?

I've never understood the mumsnet obsession that fathers MUST be allowed to sleep because working is so difficult and staying at home is easy. It's really fucking hard

^This.

Also, a lot of us work too.

grasspigeons · 04/08/2017 09:18

Like all things, there is no need for extremes. On the whole you should be doing more night stuff as you could not clean and cook whilst you catch up on sleep and you can plan quieter days etc, but it does get relentless to never get sleep and why would someone who loves you not want you to get a break. (Like a weekend off that an employee gets and some annual leave)

Amanduh · 04/08/2017 09:25

Yanbu, i've rowed with my DH over this a LOT but he just doesn't get up so I have no choice. Even the day I came home from hospital and could barely walk AND he was on pat leave he didn't get up once with the baby! I understand he works but at the very least weekends he should be doing it. My oh seems to have suddenly realised when his shirts arent clean and his dinner isnt cooked and has thankfully bucked his ideas up. I wont be putting up with that with any other babies that's for sure!
How old is the baby? Unless newborn I wouldn't be changing twice a night (unless there's poo!) with his shifts, you doig everything is ridiculous

Emboo19 · 04/08/2017 09:30

Actually I think YABVU MargaretTwatyer I know a single mum of twins and a three year old and she manages on her own and has an immaculate house. So let your poor DH, sleep and sort yourself out!!

There's a huge difference between long term sleep deprivation and the odd night of disturbed sleep. A healthy adult should be able to manage the odd night of disturbed sleep and it shouldn't result in mistakes at work and the such (think how much sleep doctors etc get!!)
When it's getting to one parent not being able to stay awake when holding the baby, the other needs to step in.

Don't listen to the I never let my DH, get up band OP. I'd give him the option of one weekend night and one week night or both weekend nights, to be fully his responsibility. And when baby is unwell and up more than usual you split the night. You tend to know if a baby is unwell or teething so one of you could go 8-1 the other 1-6, you then both get 5 hours undisturbed and what ever else you get between baby waking.

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