Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/08/2017 21:53

Stop thinking of it as helping, its parenting and he should be doing his share.
This ^^

The logistics of when he does his share can be discussed but it is parenting, not helping.
I love this called 'I do not help my wife'
ladiespassiton.com/2017/06/12/i-do-not-help-my-wife/

Alexandra87 · 03/08/2017 21:53

I never asked my husband to help with the dc through the night until I had gone back to work and by then they all slept through so it's only if they have a nightmare or are sick. If they're sick we both get up and one sees to dc while the other cleans up if it's a nightmare it could be either of us who get up

40andFat · 03/08/2017 21:54

He needs to help out I would say on s normal night probably not but then to give you at least 1 night at the weekend off. When she's poorly or teething like now it should be taken in turns or you'll lose your sanity. Put your foot down.

Justdontknow4321 · 03/08/2017 21:55

I used to to Sunday to Thursday and he would do every Friday and Saturday night (he works mon-Friday, weekends off)

Partypolitics99 · 03/08/2017 21:56

No not unreasonable.
My husband is a teacher and he used to do 50/50. He always used to say that I had the harder job and at least he could switch off now and again at work. Now I am at work and it's still 50/50

Emboo19 · 03/08/2017 21:56

My boyfriend did and still does if DD's unwell or something (she doesn't wake usually now). When she was tiny he'd stay awake and I'd feed and snooze as I did so, he'd be awake to make sure she was ok.
He works longer hours than your OH too and in a physically demanding job. He doesn't need much sleep though to be fair and he knows that if I don't get at least 5/6 hours I'm not that great to be around. So he probably mostly did it for his own benefit.

I do think it helps with bonding for dads though and in my boyfriends case, once he started doing more of the nights/bedtime stuff, it gave him far more confidence in his ability to care for DD.

If you're falling asleep though, you're right it's not safe and he needs to step up and massively.
Does he help when he gets home? Could you get some sleep then? He's also absolutely no excuse on a weekend, you at least get one day each. I'd be tempted to sleep in another room with ear plugs if you can and leave him with the baby monitor.

LightDrizzle · 03/08/2017 21:56

Except in extremis (sickness, extreme exhaustion etc) I think it's fair enough for the non-working parent to do the nights when the working parent is working the following day. However in your scenario, he should do Friday and Saturday nights. The parent on leave can perhaps catnap during the day (neve in my case sadly) or zombie it out, without major consequences. If the house is a tip and you keep putting your knickers on inside-out it won't have long-term consequences, compared to getting your measurements wrong if you are a builder, and forgetting things etc in a work environment.
Obviously in case of illness, like PND, it's different. Also if you've had a particularly bad run, he should offer to step in, mid-week or not.

MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 03/08/2017 21:56

When I was SAHP and DH was working FT, I did all the night wakings during the week and we spilt them at weekends when the DCs got a little bit older and took bottles at night.

reallyanotherone · 03/08/2017 21:56

I've never changed a nappy at night unless it's a poo (rare).

A baby should be able to go throught the noght without a nappy change, are you sure that's why she wakes?

JumpingJellybeanz · 03/08/2017 21:58

My DH did lots of night feeds despite working extremely long hours. I did them all at first but quickly reached breaking point as I don't do well with broken sleep. DH saw how bad I was and started doing the majority because he copes better with lack of sleep and he's a decent person who cares about his family.

ClarkWGriswold · 03/08/2017 21:59

He should definitely help at weekends at least.

Also during the day when your baby is napping have a sleep yourself. The chores can be done when you wake up and if they don't get done then tough! You aren't superwoman and you need to get your rest where you can.

Good luck OP. It's only a phase your baby is going though and hopefully she will go back to sleeping well once she cuts some teeth.

elleshajayne · 03/08/2017 22:00

My dh is exactly the same. I own my own company and dh says I can take as much time as I like off 'I don't have to go to work' so dc is my responsibility!!

gillybeanz · 03/08/2017 22:00

My dh would do last feed and I'd go to bed earlier if knackered.
He would do the very early morning feeds at weekend too as he'd be coming in from work around that time.
The rest of the time I did most of the early care, I could sleep during the day, he couldn't always.

calmanban · 03/08/2017 22:01

jeez where do you all find the babies that let dad's do night waking? mine is breast fed and goes nuts unless it's me. every single night including weekends. dh gets up at 5 or whenever and lets me lie in every day though.

converseandjeans · 03/08/2017 22:01

It depends on the nature of his job I think - if he has lots of client meetings/stressful environment then it is different from if he is faffing about at his desk all day doing paperwork. If he is doing lots of driving/operating machinery then I think he needs to sleep to be safe.
Also if baby is breastfed then he may feel like he is not able to do anything as such to settle them down.
Could you suggest maybe set nights - so maybe a Wed/Fri/Sun for him and you do the others?
Could you introduce some hungry baby milk for the last dream feed to fill them up for longer (that's what I did and it worked) so they didn't really need to wake up unless they were teething/ill. Missing the point of the thread - but I think you (both) need to focus on getting the baby to sleep through for longer rather than resenting OH.

cdtaylornats · 03/08/2017 22:02

It depends on his job. Office worker he can yawn at work. Air traffic controller - turn up tired - reprimand and sent home.

Orangebird69 · 03/08/2017 22:03

Yabu on nights before work. But he is BVU to not help on weekends.

Emboo19 · 03/08/2017 22:04

Also, I can't sleep through the day, no matter how tired I am! So the helpful comments to nap when baby did, were of no help to me at all.

lelapaletute · 03/08/2017 22:05

Calmanban I hear you! 😴 My bloody DP is shit in the mornings though, so I haven't even had a lie in in 6 months 😭

Sleepthief84 · 03/08/2017 22:07

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to help out when it's bad. My OH has a long drive each day so I never let him in the week as I was worried about him driving knackered but at weekends we did (and continue to, actually) take it in turns to have a lie in. We did this from when DD was about 6 months, when I could bear to be in another room from her overnight (silly) 🙄 When DD was still in with us, one of us would sleep in the spare room on a Friday night and the other would take their turn on the Saturday. That way we each got one night a week completely uninterrupted. After she moved to her room at 9 months we tended to stay sleeping together so not quite as uninterrupted if she woke but we still get a lie in each. She's 16 months now though so sleeps through pretty consistently.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 03/08/2017 22:07

Yanbu

My dh helped at night when i was breastfeeding and when they were a bit older did/does most of the night waking

Doesnt happen much anymore, but i sleep like the dead

Orangebird69 · 03/08/2017 22:08

lelap, my dh is fucking useless too. He's not shit in the mornings but not once in nearly 2 years has he ever thought, on a weekend, to get the baby breakfasted and dressed so I can have an hour or so to myself. He's never done night wakings either.

TeacupDrama · 03/08/2017 22:10

Sleep deprivation can be a killer, tired drivers kill 10 times more people than drunk drivers. Driving tired impairs judgment and reaction times just like alcohol certain drugs etc.

If working parent needs to not be fired in order to get to work and function safely , the home parent needs to cover most of the night, if doesn't mean the working parent couldn't do the 11pm feed then go to bed and get 6-7 hours of the opposite do the early morning, however if home parent is going difficult or long school run with no sleep they are endangering themselves their children and others

Generally l think as suggested above working parents can do more ondays off

ginsparkles · 03/08/2017 22:10

I did all the night wakings with our DD, even when we both worked because I'm a light sleeper and can wake quicker, sort it and be back asleep before he has registered any form of noise is occurring!

But he did the late evening duty, and first thing in the morning so I could go to bed earlier knowing he would feed and settle her, and sleep later in the morning as he would feed and entertain her until I woke up. He also helped hugely with cooking dinners etc. It's finding a compromise that works for you both.

Emboo19 · 03/08/2017 22:14

We found DD settled better for dad than me calmanban unless she was genuinely hungry and needed me to feed her.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread