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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:

DoubleCarrick · 03/08/2017 21:17

I do all night wakings as I'm on maternity leave. I'm going back to work next week and will likely to continue to do all night wakings.

I'll only be working a few hours a day while dh works full time. However I do no housework apart from laundry midweek and and if the basic daily tasks like cooking/dishwasher don't get done then DH picks up the slack. He also looks after ds for most of the weekend.

I'm happy with this arrangement as when dh was doing doing some nights I found I was waking and listening to see if they were up and I actually slept worse.

Does sound like your dh needs to be doing more generally

BasketOfDeplorables · 03/08/2017 21:18

It's unreasonable to expect one person to constantly function on little or broken sleep. I don't know any babies who nap for 8 hours at a go during the day, so if one parent does all night wakings, they will be having much more inferior sleep. Eventually that will take its toll. Unless the baby is waking to be breastfed each time there is no need for you to be doing all night every night.

If you were ill they would have to do it, because there would be no one else to go. And if you have enough nights of hardly any sleep you usually do get ill.

Before I had our first I was used to long days, all nighters and working on little sleep. I have also socialised after work until late and been capable and professional the next day. I expect most people have, so why some parents can't pull their weight I don't know.

Heatherbell1978 · 03/08/2017 21:18

I'm on mat leave right now and do all the night wakings Mon to Fri as I do feel like that's my role right now but DH will do them at the weekend and I often sleep in the spare room. It feels pointless though as he doesn't stir until DD is being very vocal by which point DS and I have woken up...when it's me I get in there when she's rustling and no one else wakes!

DoubleCarrick · 03/08/2017 21:19

I will just add that when Ds was younger he tended to stay on shift until about 2am. We generally only have one night feed now

Hapaxlegomenon · 03/08/2017 21:19

He'd do all the nappy changes and then sit up with me whilst I breast fed.

That's really sweet, but I can't believe you let him! Then both of you would be exhauste!

Parker231 · 03/08/2017 21:20

You are working all day looking after your DD. There is no reason why your DH can't do 50% of any night duties. Weekend lie ins are one each. I imagine you are also doing the majority of the housework, laundry and shopping? What is going to happen when you are back at work?

53rdWay · 03/08/2017 21:20

If he really won't shift himself to do any of the night wake-ups at all (and even grumbles about it at weekends!), then you need to look after your own self too. Nap during the day. If that means leaving the housework, then leave the housework - he can do his share of it when he gets home. Sleep deprivation is awful, you shouldn't be shouldering all yourself.

Ellieboolou27 · 03/08/2017 21:23

With his working hours YANBU, he or you could nap when home from work then he is on early finishes.
My dh worked (and still does) 12 hour days, leaving for work no later than 6.30am and getting home around 6.30-7pm, he would offer at least once or twice a week to get up in the night, I wouldn't have survived otherwise.
Can't he do Fridays? That way you get a full night and he can have a lie in Saturday morning.
His not actually a work horse doing those hours!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 03/08/2017 21:23

We shared on parental leave but whilst on maternity leave I did them as DH needed to work the next day and I didn't. He took a turn at the weekend so that I could catch up on sleep.

FrogsSitonLogs · 03/08/2017 21:24

Of course he should do night wakings. DH used to do the weekend nights. One person should not be permanently shattered whilst the other one sleeps and gets to go out. You're both parents.

FreedomMummy · 03/08/2017 21:25

During the week I think it's fine that he doesn't do the night wakings as you do have more flexibility during the day. You have to let go of some of the chores some days and he will have to accept that. However, I think it would be reasonable for him to do one of the weekend nights so that you each get a full night/lie in over the weekend.

hana32 · 03/08/2017 21:26

I think it's a bit unreasonable to ask him to help in the night when he has work the next day and you don't. Yes you're with the baby all day but it's just not the same thing. It's easier to deal with tiredness when you're just at home and don't have to be alert in meetings etc. I have a 5 month old and I've never asked my DH to help out during nights. That said I exclusively breastfeed so bar the odd nappy change there's nothing he could really do anyway!

FrogsSitonLogs · 03/08/2017 21:26

If he has shifts that finish at 3.30 why are you doing all the chores? Stop it.

ClaireSunflower · 03/08/2017 21:26

Do you get any downtime in the evening? I have a 10 week old baby and my husband works full time. He doesn't get up with the baby in the night but as soon as he gets in from work he takes over for the evening so I can have some time to chill out, sort dinner and do all the things I didn't get round to in the day. If the baby isn't asleep by 10.30pm (he's a night owl!) I go to bed and my husband brings him up when he goes to sleep. Works really well for us as my husband misses him in the day so enjoys his evenings with him and it means I get some much needed me time.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/08/2017 21:28

*Today 21:19 Hapaxlegomenon

He'd do all the nappy changes and then sit up with me whilst I breast fed.

That's really sweet, but I can't believe you let him! Then both of you would be exhausted

Any reason why I should be exhausted and he shouldn't be?

But on a serious note, we'd both still get about 6 hours sleep a night (although broken) which we managed on. During the feeds we'd have nice little chats with each other, it was our time to reconnect, lol. Our son was a bit of a nightmare baby and my DH knew how difficult my days were at times so he felt that by helping me out at night it was him showing me support and solidarity.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 now and I've told him that things will be different this time round and he WILL have to sleep in another room and get a decent sleep because one of us needs to be functioning to care for our current child (he's 3.5 years old) but my DH is having none of it. I've even sorted out getting a single bed moved into the nursery so DH can go in there whilst I'm up feeding but I think it will be futile. I know that when baby arrives I will be telling him until I'm blue in the face that he should go and get some sleep but I know he won't.

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/08/2017 21:28

I did all the night wakings and then became a single mum with an 8m old while working full time. YABU to ask your DP to do nights if you're off work. Leave the chores and nap if you're very tired.

imjessie · 03/08/2017 21:30

I never made my DH help because he was working and needed to rest . So I'm in the minority . I used to go to bed at 7 in the early days and he would do the 10.30/11 feed whilst I slept through and I did the early hours feed . It worked for us as it's not forever is it ?

Maddy70 · 03/08/2017 21:31

I do think that if one of the parents is working , and the other isn't then the one that isn't should do the night stuff as they can catch up on sheep during the day when the baby sleeps. At weekends the working parent should give the other parent a break (in my opinion)

underneaththeash · 03/08/2017 21:33

DH helped at weekends - that was the deal, then when we had DS2, DS1 was still not sleeping through the night and he got up for DS1.

I don't think its at all fair during the week if you ask your DH to get up if he's working, but you should take it in turns at the weekend.

FrogsSitonLogs · 03/08/2017 21:33

Catch up on sleep during the day is assuming the baby sleeps.

Mine had two 20 minute naps a day.

BifsWif · 03/08/2017 21:33

He should be sharing the load on bad nights and doing at least one full night on a weekend.

My husband did all of the night waking with DS, I was quite poorly, and shared the waking with DD. If she woke between 4am and 5am he'd just get up for the day then and let me sleep until 8am when he left for work. He's a good 'un really!

MrsClegane · 03/08/2017 21:34

When mine were smaller... I did all the night waking. Dh helped when he was on paternity... which included a 10 mile walk in the dark to try and get one of them to stop crying (it didn't work lol)

However, when he was back at work I did all the nights, he had to work in a job which would be dangerous if he was tired. He would however help by putting a load of washing on before he went to work, or help cleaning.

flupi · 03/08/2017 21:34

My dh worked long hours but we had a before and after midnight 'rule'. He helped out until midnight so I could at least get a few hours sleep and then if the baby woke up after midnight I would get up so my dh could get enough sleep to be okay for the next day.

NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 21:35

That's how we did it - and it worked pretty well and seemed fair at the time. DH got an uninterrupted night's sleep every night so he could function at work.....but at the weekend, he would take the baby from whatever time in the morning until whenever so that I could catch up with some sleep.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/08/2017 21:35

As a working Mum who went back to work at 6 months he is SOOOO BU
It's amazing how men lose their feminism and turn into cave men when they have babies

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