AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

[JoySaidThat]

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

Whet a cleaner, that way you will have time to nap. If he doesn't want to pay for a cleaner, he can help with thee nights.

If you can nap in the day and he can't, I can see the logic in you doing the nights - but if you can't ecaude of all of the cleaning, then that is not fair either.

Generally though, I just thinking all housework is retarded and its something women should be paid to do - by paying other women to do it not doing it themselves. You would be a,aged how many problems, resentments and arguments it solves.

Whet a cleaner

Is that still legal?

One reason I was back at full time work when the babies were 2 weeks old! Much easier and much fairer all round and husbands and wives then do equal amounts. Try it.

One reason I was back at full time work when the babies were 2 weeks old!

Not practical if you choose to breastfeed though.

This is difficult, my partner works 7.30 - 5 and gets up very early. When baby was small we would either agree I did the week and he did the weekend or we would alternate nights (but take it in turns if a particularly bad night came along)
It's unreasonable for him to just expect you to do it all, I pined to go back to work as it gave me some 'me time'. Now we share the nights as we both work, but my DD sleeps pretty well these days.

I'm due baby number 2 in November and we have already agreed one deals with the eldest (2yr old) and one deals with the baby this time.

Put your foot down now before this becomes too much of a routine. Even if he just comes in and does some chores so you can nap in the day.

When my husband went back to work, I did night duty Sun-Thurs, and he took Fri-Sat. Only fair!

Frogs, it's not that he never did anything with them, just never got up at night or offered to. But then I realised as the years went on that if I certain things needed doing, I often had to point them out to him. He would then do them willingly. He has always worked long hours, often travelling away from home ( he is currently in China for three weeks), we have a joint account and I deal with all the finances (ne never questions what the money is spent on), he's a great dad, and a great cook (when he is here) so I have nothing to complain about. But yes, in reply to Emboo, he never once got up at night.

One reason I was back at full time work when the babies were 2 weeks old! Much easier and much fairer all round and husbands and wives then do equal amounts. Try it.

Don't think I'd have found that much easier at all....!

Caill, 33 years ago I bought a book about work and breastfeeding so I don't see why in 2017 it is any harder surely! I breastfed immediately before |I left for my train. I expressed during the working day and then brought the milk home. I left on time each day whilst breastfeeding and I breastfed immediately I got home and regularly through the night. I have never fed any of the 5 babies from a bottle although whoever looking after them in the day did feed them my milk from a bottle. I also exclusive breastfed at weekends and on holidays. It worked fine. This myth that you cannot breastfeed and work is doing women down and making them have to live off male earnings and keep men happy rather than having equal relationships where you b oth earn the same and men and women are as good and do as much with the baby never mind cleaning the loos as each other. With the twins I could work more at home so just had them brought to me during the working day to be breastfed which was certainly easier than using the battery operated breast pump.

I don't know any dad's in real life who don't help through the night at least once/twice a week. My grandpa remembers getting home at 3/4am (after work) and walking the streets with my dad for a few hours so my grandma could get some sleep!

My boyfriend wasn't great with DD, when she was born (complicated issues) and it was definitely that he was 'helping me out' (hate that term) but at the time that's what he was doing. Because he loved me he didn't want me to be unnecessarily tired if he could help, so he'd do winding after I fed or nappy changes if she needed them, or just take her downstairs to soothe her so I could sleep. Now he wants to spend as much time as possible with DD (probably a bit of making up for lost time) she doesn't wake often now, so if he's here he'd definitely get up as he's more of a worrier than me and he'd think she was unwell or something. We officially both get one weekend morning to sleep in each, but more often than not he'll do my morning as well as his.

Even my other grandad (mums) did the odd night and they had a live in housekeeper at the time. He'd also always do Sunday mornings and make pancakes for breakfast, as he'd do the same when I stayed over as a child.

One reason I was back at full time work when the babies were 2 weeks old! Much easier and much fairer all round and husbands and wives then do equal amounts. Try it.

I agree. I think the long maternity leave people are entitled to nowadays has turned the clock back with many posters sounding like 1950s housewives. I didn't go back until four months but I would have gone back a lot sooner if DH didn't do his fair share when he was at home. I'd much rather work than suffer severe sleep deprivation and think that those who don't expect their DH to do anything are suckers.

Lucysky2017 I am glad breastfeeding worked out so well for you.

I am a qualified breastfeeding counsellor with 17 years experience and I can assure you that your experience is not typical.
Going back to work full time two weeks after giving birth would not be advised - milk supply is only in the very early days of establishment at that stage, and pumping before 6 weeks is not recommended.

It may have worked out "just fine" for you- but your experience is far from typical, bit very helpful to other mothers.

doing women down and making them have to live off male earnings and keep men happy rather than having equal relationships where you b oth earn the same

Thankfully equality in my marriage is far bigger than simply measured by earnings..

If one of you were to become too ill to work or unable to find work would that spouse then be lower in status?

It may have worked out "just fine" for you- but your experience is far from typical, bit very helpful to other mothers.

I do know a few people in the States who returned to work that early and still were able to breastfeed though. I returned at four months and breast fed until 9 months.

roomster- and I know some people who smoked and lived until their 90s.

I did the night feeds as I was breastfeeding, but my DH would always get up and help if required. He would get home from work and bathe DS so I could have a nap. He probably ended up doing more nappy changes than me when he was home evenings / weekends.

Does he parent in the evenings / weekends?

My baby is EBF so I do all night waking but DH does a lot of chores around the house like cleaning, laundry, bins, etc.

roomster- and I know some people who smoked and lived until their 90s.

That's hardly the same thing as there is very good evidence that smoking damages health. There isn't such good evidence that shorter maternity leave = less likely to breastfeed. In the States where maternity leave is generally much short than the UK, 49% of women are still breastfeeding at 6 months. In the UK it is only 34%.

How many women would be wise to go back to work 2 weeks postpartum, though? Genuine question. Presumably no one who had a c section, so you couldn't count on going back.

I worked with someone who went back to work 3 weeks after a C section. She left work on Friday, elective section on the Monday. On the Saturday she went to France for 2 week holiday and then back at work on Monday when baby was 3 weeks old. So 3 weeks off work but it included her annual two week summer holiday.

I had my first baby nearly 50 years ago, very different world so this might sound racist but the HV used to say if you want to know how to combine working and breast feeding ask an Afro Caribbean woman as she reckoned they managed it very well. She said it was cultural from slave days but I don't know if she was making it all up. She was a brilliant support to me and I think I would have given up without her. I think I would have struggled going back to work after 2 weeks breastfeeding or no breastfeeding.

In my defense we didn't have a car, a washing machine or tumble dryer and disposable nappies were totally useless, like cotton wool covered with a sort of fine netting that were sodden after about 30 minutes.

• CheesecakeAddict Sat 05-Aug-17 13:48:40

grannytomine this is very true. But if it's got to the point that she is sleep deprived and he is not even helping on the weekend not is he taking responsibility for any of the household chores, then what he's doing is not enough. And tbf, I seriously question why he would want someone that knackered that they are falling asleep at the wheel of a car in charge of a baby. All it takes is for her to fall asleep when the pan or the iron is on, or for her to cause a road accident for him not to have a family anymore. OP sounds desperate for some help so either the Dh needs to extend his financial obligations (as evidently that's all he seems to think he needs to bring to the family) to pay for a cleaner or a childminder to give mum some respite or he needs to take on a role in the home as well*

Sorry I missed this yesterday. Of course he needs to help but I don't think nights when he needs to go to work the following morning is the best way for him to help. It looks like some of his shifts would mean he was home early, so he could do some housework or have baby so mum can get some sleep. I'm not sure how old baby is but I think when they are little you should sleep when you can so a late siesta before dinner would have been acceptable to me. I must confess I slept with mine and breastfed through the night so my husband couldn't have helped with that and I lost very little sleep anyway. I just wouldn't have been happy seeing husband set off to work at 7 am knowing he had been up 2 or 3 times in the night, particularly if he had to drive to work. As a SAHM with a baby you don't have to go out driving but if his job means he needs to drive to get there then it isn't optional, depends on circumstances though.

I know some people do it, but that doesn't mean it's advisable. When colleagues have had comparable surgery to a c section, they've had 6 weeks to recouperate. Maternity leave isn't just to look after the baby, it's to recover from birth. If you're trying to recover from a huge physical event, but instead of 6 weeks rest you have weeks of no sleep, then it's going to take longer.

I have a six month old and I do all the nights. Have done since she was two weeks old. My husband works full time and travels a lot. We used to do the same job and it's exhausting. I work from home as my own boss so I can manage my time more.
He does more housework than I do, so doing all the night wake ups is fine by me!