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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 31/07/2017 10:09

It's like a moral judgement isn't it? Any chance you can get a letter from their father that you can just whip out when needed?

Sirzy · 31/07/2017 10:10

better for her to ask a few questions and check all is OK than something untoward be missed for fear of you being embarrassed about the surnames!

RhiWrites · 31/07/2017 10:10

That's awful. In these modern days we should be past this. Many women don't change their names on marriage (and s jolly good thing too) and there are so many blended families. It sounds ignorant and prejudiced.

I accept she has a job to do but if she questions all the families with different surnames she'll be busy!

queenofthedump · 31/07/2017 10:11

All sorts of reasons why someone might want to illegally bring children into the UK who aren't their own. Very naive of you to ask really. Would you prefer that they were slacker in their duties?

HeidiSpeidi · 31/07/2017 10:11

YABU, it's clearly for a very good reason.

I don't share ds surname, was asked once about the reason why. It's fine. No skin off my nose at all

Purplemac · 31/07/2017 10:12

I can see why it's upsetting but it's fairly common knowledge that this happens and that you should carry proof (ie birth certificate) if you are travelling with your children who have a different surname to you. It's to prevent child trafficking - I would rather customs be vigilant and have a few upset parents than them be slacking and have children slip through the net.

Alittlepotofrosie · 31/07/2017 10:12

Bit of an overreaction from you isn't it? there are reasons why they have to do this.

EyeHalveASpellingChequer · 31/07/2017 10:12

Any chance you can get a letter from their father that you can just whip out when needed?

You just need to have either your marriage certificate or the DC's birth certificates.

Migraleve · 31/07/2017 10:12

It's not a judgement on your circumstances though, it happens to people traveling with DC who are not their own. We had it when we came back from France with DD's friend.

It is however utterly fucking ridiculous that you can take the kids out of the UK but get questioned on the way back IN Confused

Batoutahell · 31/07/2017 10:12

Passports indicate who a person is. It is right to question small children travelling with an adult of a different name. I do think there should be named parents on a child's passport to avoid this issue though.

Lots of children are abducted by parents and family members. It is worth checking.

KoolKoala07 · 31/07/2017 10:13

That's why it's best to take birth certificates when exiting and entering the country. I get it's embarrassing but there would be uproar if a child abduction was missed due to fear of embarrassing someone.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 31/07/2017 10:15

It's to prevent child trafficking - I would rather customs be vigilant and have a few upset parents than them be slacking and have children slip through the net.

Would be interested to see if this strategy has indeed reduced child trafficking. Because I imagine people that are in the business of child trafficking are prepared for this eventually.

elevenclips · 31/07/2017 10:16

We are a family of 4 all with same surname. My 9yo has been asked twice whether we are her parents. This yr and last yr! She has the exact same hair colour as me, like a clone!

BertieBotts · 31/07/2017 10:16

I find it annoying too, I carry DS's birth certificate, my marriage certificate and a letter from his school hopefully showing that we live abroad.

However since he's been old enough to answer for himself they haven't ever asked to see them.

TartanDMs · 31/07/2017 10:17

DS has my maiden name, I took DH's name when we married. DS is DH's child. In America they couldn't grasp that at all, they assumed he was DH's stepson and were really confused by the different name. DS just had to answer a few questions: yes they are my mum and dad, I have my granddad's last name, my birthday is... He was 7 at the time.

Enb76 · 31/07/2017 10:17

I get asked every single time I come through UK customs at Stansted. It is not law but it is advised that you carry either the birth certificate or a letter from the father. Frankly, I don't bother cos I'm bored of it all. I am perfectly happy to be questioned but I resent having to carry extra bits of paper just because I was not married to my child's father.

elevenclips · 31/07/2017 10:17

They also address a child by the (first) name on their passport but don't look at the child when they do it to see if the child responds to that name with no visual cue.

Beebee7 · 31/07/2017 10:20

I am all for marriage (although I have no problem with people not getting wed.) But it's 2017 and what happened is ludicrous!

Many people from other cultures and countries don't have the same surname as their spouse. (As well as many people in the UK!) Do they stop every single couple who have different surnames? Hmm

Sorry but I think it's a stupid, dumb waste of time. This isn't the dark ages FFS.

plantsitter · 31/07/2017 10:26

They really should put parents' badges on kids' passports to avoid this. It's hardly unusual is it.

LionsTigersBeers · 31/07/2017 10:28

YABU and pretty naive. Have you really never come across this before?

I kept my maiden name upon marriage but my children have their father's (my husband's) surname. I always take their birth certs when travelling with the kids but without my husband. I have been asked to show the birth certificates a couple of times on entering the UK and my eldest has been asked, who is this? in reference to me. It's not a judgment on you but is for the safety and protection of your children.

elevenclips · 31/07/2017 10:30

One customs officer asked my then 7yo whether daddy had been good on holiday or did he need to be taken away by police. 7yo ds nearly cried and could not get any words out!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2017 10:33

I feel someone asked my kids who I am they would probably say "smelly poo face"

Which is why I travel with evidence that confirms I do not need consent to remove them from the uk

trixymalixy · 31/07/2017 10:34

I was asked in Amsterdam airport where the children's father was and if I had a letter of permission to take them out of the country from him.

I have the same surname as them.

ibentmywookie · 31/07/2017 10:36

I always carry my dad's birth certificate with me as we have different surnames. Never actually been asked to show it though. Whereas my partner, whose name she does have, has been stopped and questioned with her as he is brown and she doesn't look mixed race. I find that far more offensive tbh.

ibentmywookie · 31/07/2017 10:36

*dd's not dad's obv. Stupid autocorrect.