Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 31/07/2017 10:37

YABU, you all have different surnames they are right to check. You are being ridiculous to be embarrassed or upset by this.

PovertyPain · 31/07/2017 10:38

A Young girl has recently been taken by her criminal father and is thought to be in Ireland. I'm assuming they have the same name, in order for them to have travelled together. The authorities have to do what they can, in order to protect children. This isn't about you OP, it's about protecting children and if it protects even one child, then surely it's worth it.

Liadain · 31/07/2017 10:38

YABU, there's a good reason. I'd rather you have to put up with a few minutes of feeling uncomfortable, than children be smuggled or abducted.

Customs is not there to give you a warm, happy feeling.

AndNowItIsSeven · 31/07/2017 10:39

Tarton why didn't you change your ds name? It's easily done my deed poll very odd to leave him with a different name.

Starlight2345 · 31/07/2017 10:39

YABU...My DS has been asked we have the same surname but I am a LP.. Should we only search people who look like terrorists too.. It is a question...Your reaction is way over the top.

SlothMama · 31/07/2017 10:42

YABU
They are asking these questions for a reason, so there's no need to get upset about it

EnglishGirlApproximately · 31/07/2017 10:42

We've been asked a few times as Ds has dps name. It's not a moral judgement or embarrassing at all, I find it odd that you would think it is, almost like you the l having different names is something to be embarrassed about.

SoupDragon · 31/07/2017 10:44

They aren't aren't doing it for fun or just to piss people off.

We all have the same surname. I've never been questioned, XH was once asked where I was.

Tomorrowisanewday · 31/07/2017 10:46

I took my nephew on holiday, and was advised by the travel company to have letters from both his parents, verified by the police, stating that he was under my care for the period. Only time I needed them was coming back into Heathrow. It's general advice given to parents as well, to try and stop child trafficking.

HeartburnCentral · 31/07/2017 10:47

YABU. My passport has my maiden name because I renewed it before we got married. My children have DH's Surname. I always carry their birth certs and our marriage cert when we fly.

swingofthings · 31/07/2017 10:47

Yes, the French are actually a bit more thorough when it comes to child abduction then are their British counterparts.

If it makes you feel better, I'm French and have lived in the UK for 20 years. My kids were born in the UK and have double nationality, however, until they were older, only hold French passports. They have their dad's surname, so very French firstname, very English sounding surname.

We too were questioned to no end when they were little. I was asked (as I was returning to the UK) if I had permission from their dad. I tried to explain that I was going back anyway, and in any case, he didn't have parental responsibility (born before the 2013 date). I had to explain to them UK rights for them to let that one go. Then they called my son's name (he was still in a pushchair) to see if calling his name ellicited a response from him....except that he called him with the French pronunciation when DS was used to hear the English (and I always called him by his nickname) so he gave no reaction. It was quite funny in a way.

Still we manage to get through after about 10 minutes, and still I was very happy that they were so thorough and being so probably prevented a number of children abduction to the UK.

lmer · 31/07/2017 10:48

Surely a few seconds of awkwardness is worth it for knowing that those same few seconds of awkwardness happening to someone else may save a child's life?

londonrach · 31/07/2017 10:50

Seriously op you have to ask this. Id be vvv worried if they didnt check. 100s of reasons why they need to check.

londonrach · 31/07/2017 10:50

Yabu

weekendninja · 31/07/2017 10:50

I really don't see why this has upset you so much. You travel through an airport and they search you...should you be offended that they think you may be a terrorist?

The way things are now we need to accept that there are times that we need to comply. People lie. That's the way it is. For me, I would rather confirm my relationship with my children for the sake of the safety of any child that has been illegally removed from any country.

Next time you go abroad take a letter, birth certificates and contact details for the father. It really isn't a hardship.

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/07/2017 10:51

This is the first year Dd hasn't been questioned. We all have the same surname, but she is the same age as MM so has been asked every time we travel since she disappeared. If being asked stops one child being trafficket it's a good thing.

JoNapot · 31/07/2017 10:52

I travel with my DH and kids mostly and I think they do look more closely at young ones these days.

So the littlest gets asked what her name is for example.

I have a different surname but don't think that is the reason in our case but thought it was a general nod to children potentially traveling on false passports.

WorkingBling · 31/07/2017 10:52

I think it's perfectly reasonable and it's not just the name thing. The children have DH's name and he has travelled with them alone... he is always asked a few questions. We see it as the price of ensuring that other children are, hopefully, kept safe. He also travels with a note from me but hasn't usually needed it - just the children's birth certificates.

If you travel to South Africa, they will not allow you into the country with children if you aren't carrying their birth certificates. No matter what your name/s or theirs are.

GavelRavel · 31/07/2017 10:53

I have a different name from all.my dc, who have their father's name, my partner. We always get heavily scrutinised and the DC have to line up in age order in front of the UK customs person and we ahvent tonsatnd back and keep quiet. if I ever tracker with them alone, I know I'll have to get a signed letter from their dad and I always carry their birth certificates now too. it is silly but I think fair enough if it prevent the odd kid being abducted.

This seems to be a directive now in the UK and many other countries as it never happened when they were babies, and presumably more vulnerable to abduction. last few years happens every time we travel and thats with DP. I think we just have to suck it up. Carry their birth certs as well and a letter from the father if you can (pointless I've always thought as anyone could sign it? but apparently they help if it has his passport number on etc)

FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 31/07/2017 10:53

My dad takes my sister on holiday as a single parent, he always gets stopped, grown man flying alone with a little girl.
He said he would much rather be stopped and be able to explain than have another child be put at risk because they didn't do it.

NachoAddict · 31/07/2017 10:54

Similar thing happened to me recently, I have the same name as my older two children as I have kept my married name. My youngest DC has his fathers name, his father wasn't travelling with us.
The customs officer read the passports, called my sons name to see if he responded to it, then asked him who we all were, I assume to check he called me mum.
Then he asked why he had a different name and advised me to carry his birth certificate next time.

I wasn't offended though, they have a job to do.

Rinceoir · 31/07/2017 10:54

I am married. I use my maiden name, DD has DHs surname. I travel quite a lot, often with DD without DH. I frequently get questioned at passport control (once while I was breastfeeding her in a sling as a baby!). I just produce a copy of her birth cert and get on with it.

swingofthings · 31/07/2017 10:54

By the way, there is nothing embarrassing about having different surnames. Why would it be? The best I did was travelling with my two children, husband and the friend of my eldest. 4 different surnames, two nationality! The best was my DD travelling on her British Passport but her brother (so the only two with the same surname) travelling with his French passport.

Nobody bit an eyelid, they have more important eggs to fry than giggled at a recomposed family!

Mulledwine1 · 31/07/2017 10:55

If you travel to South Africa, they will not allow you into the country with children if you aren't carrying their birth certificates

Which is a nonsense really, as anyone can get a birth certificate. You don't need to be the parents or even a relative to get one.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 10:55

I am glad they are doing their job seriously. Just take the birth certificate with you. How are custom officers supposed to guess that you are the mother if you don't have the same name?

Ask the relevant authorities if children passports could show the mother's name if you want, don't get offended by people doing their job well.

They have asked questions to my own kids, and we all have the same name. What's wrong with that? Your first passport is valid 5 years in this country, none of my kids looked like their month old photo when they were 4 or 5. I can't see the harm in checking.

You are just taking it personally because of the name, but you would still be checked if you had changed your name. Complete non-issue.