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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 31/07/2017 11:23

To clarify south african thing - you need a birth certificate to prove you are the parents. If you are travelling with just one parent (or, I assume, with someone else) you need a signed statement that you download from their website and witnessed by solicitor/ police etc. So the birth certificate is to prove parental responsibility. You need additional evidence if you aren't the parent with a matching name.

Piratesandpants · 31/07/2017 11:24

YABU. YOU are embarrassed about having different names (this says a lot about you). It's no one else's problem. Change your names if it bothers you.

YellowLawn · 31/07/2017 11:26

yabu
it's standard practice.
in addition it's advisable to carry a copy of dc's birth certificate.

YellowLawn · 31/07/2017 11:26

oh, and they might have asked even if you had the same name

fuzzywuzzy · 31/07/2017 11:26

My friend, a single parent with an abusive ex (so he won't write a letter saying she has permission to take their DS on holiday alone), was returning from holiday a few years ago. Immigration point asked her 9 year old who this was (gesturing towards my friend), her DS told them using her full name but not saying my mum. Friend really was worried they'd think she'd kidnapped him or something.

Lucyccfc · 31/07/2017 11:28

Complete over-reaction to normal custom questions.

I have the same surname to DS and he has been asked questions. We went to Abu Dhabi when he was 5 and customs asked him who I was. He replied 'Lucyccfc' (obviously my real name). We had a laugh as they were expecting him to say 'Mummy'.

Take a deep breath OP, there are worse things in life to get upset over.

Lweji · 31/07/2017 11:29

You should be happy that they are so careful.

OTOH, how did they know it wasn't parental abduction?

Which is a nonsense really, as anyone can get a birth certificate.

The birth certificate shows that that person with that name is the mother or father. So, it's not nonsense.

You should be happy you didn't have to carry their father's permission to travel alone with them, as it sometimes happens.

And, quite frankly, it's a good thing. You only appreciate such rules when you are in a position to worry that your ex decides to take your child abroad without your consent.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 11:29

I can see why it's annoying but YABU. Single parent here who also has a different surname to DCs surnames.

They're privy to more information than we are. I'm sure they've more than likely had incidents where people have posed as Mothers/Fathers of children who haven't been theirs. With us being on high alert for a terrorist incident.

Not only that you could be abducting them from the parent with whom they actually legally live with.

Customs wont know this from a quick glance at you and a warm smile from you to them. They have to ask these questions sometimes. Think no more of it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/07/2017 11:30

we raise a fuss when people smuggle children, harm children and the authorities don't see it

and yet we get affronted when people do their job

this also happened to me, no biggie OP

flimflaminurjams · 31/07/2017 11:30

Sorry but YABU. They have to check these things.

Sure its embarrassing but that's life for you I'm afraid. I once was with a friend who's personal life had a bit of turmoil - DC1 her surname, DC2 new partner's. I was travelling with them and obv had different surname to them all.

Of course she got stopped at the border and asked to explain it. I felt embarrassed for her, but would have felt more uncomfortable/less reassured if they had just waived us through no questions asked.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 31/07/2017 11:31

Surely travelling with birth certs is an identity fraudster's wet dream?

Nope. Not enough. You need photo ID nowadays. My solicitor wouldn't even take me on until they had photo ID of me. Despite the fact I bought with me utility bills council tax bills numerous letters all of our birth certificates hospital letters and a left kidney just in case Wink

Sign of the times.

BridgetvonHammersmark · 31/07/2017 11:32

I'm English, living in France. My daughter went through school here, but was born in England, has a British passport. When she went to Spain with the school she had to get written permission, from our Mairie (mayor) to leave the country, as did all the French born children in her class. I think all children in France, under the age of 18, have to do this when travelling? There's a big expat community in some parts of France, and a high divorce amongst them ("living the dream" is sometimes anything but..) I can imagine people running back to the UK with children is something they see regularly. I'm really sorry for your experience OP, it was obviously an upsetting experience, it's just the french system.

differenteverytime · 31/07/2017 11:32

My dh is currently travelling with our dds. They have my surname, which is different from his. I wrote him a letter of permission and he's carrying the birth certificate of the one who is still a child. It isn't a 'fact' that he could have done that without my permission.

I understand that, having brought up your dc single-handedly, it's upsetting to be questioned like that - but honestly, it isn't a judgement, and that person has no idea about your background. Her job is to make sure that children aren't being taken abroad without the permission of everyone with legal parental responsibility.

SylviaPoe · 31/07/2017 11:34

It is sensible for children to have a last name that connects them to the primary carer.

XiCi · 31/07/2017 11:36

I didn't change my name on marriage and have a different surname to DD. I've only been asked once if I was her mother, in the middle east, and just said yes and was not questioned further. I am thinking of changing Dds name so that my surname is one of her middle names though just to make things clearer in situations like this.

TheWeeWitch · 31/07/2017 11:40

Like pp said there are clearly very good reasons for these checks. I just take a copy of the children's birth certificates with me. I got extra copies made and I keep them in the passport folder. I've been asked for the birth certificates at least 6 times now in various countries but I've never been asked for a letter of permission to travel from the DCs father.

Eastpoint · 31/07/2017 11:41

We have the same surname (adults & children) and the children have been asked whether we are their parents and tested on each other's birthdays. I just assume this is tick boxing (children look similar to each other and the two girls look like me).

Blond DS is often taken aside for extra searching, again I assume that this is to ensure enough blond teenage boys are searched.

chocorabbit · 31/07/2017 11:43

We have been told that a birth certificate COPY should be fine.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 11:43

I have been stopped and our details checked when travelling with DH, when travelling alone, and he was asked questions too when travelling alone. It doesn't happen every time, but I don't feel targeted if I am on own.

We (DH and I) have not been questioned on one single occasion despite the fact that we have travelled abroad many times with the children over the years (my children are now teenagers). From the posts on this thread, I presume that lack of questioning is due to the fact that DH has the surname as my children and if I travelled by myself with them things would be different as I have a different surname. That is what I think is ridiculous.
I would think it reasonable if it actually was a good way of making sure the children were with the parents but it isn't. There are much better ways of establishing whether a child is travelling with their parent which don't involve asking the father's permission and which would ultimately safeguard children much more effectively.

hooliodancer · 31/07/2017 11:45

You wouldn't be so upset if this type of questioning prevented someone abducting your child in France then bringing them back to the UK, would you?

Phalenopsisgirl · 31/07/2017 11:47

We always got this when re entering the uk with my ds who has a different surname, they would always ask him who we were to him and where he had been, I think they were also wanting him to speak so they could hear his accent etc. It's not a judgement, they are checking to hear if your answers are unstuttered.

SylviaPoe · 31/07/2017 11:52

You legally have to have the permission of both the father and mother to take a child out of the country, if both have parental responsibility.

It is a very important safeguard.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 11:53

Roomster101

we all have the same surname, we still get stopped and asked a few questions. Nothing embarrassing or shocking there, they are just doing their job.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 11:59

we all have the same surname, we still get stopped and asked a few questions. Nothing embarrassing or shocking there, they are just doing their job.

It didn't say it was "embarrassing or shocking" to be asked but it is irritating if they are treating people differently depending on whether they do or don't have the same surname. As I said, DH has never been asked on single occasion.

grannytomine · 31/07/2017 12:00

Two children in my family were abducted by their father when on holiday abroad with their mother. It was years before they were traced, still having therapy 20 years later.

It might be annoying or irritating but just be glad your children are safe with you.