To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

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My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

better for her to ask a few questions and check all is OK than something untoward be missed for fear of you being embarrassed about the surnames!

Exactly! I'd much rather someone was temporarily embarrassed at being asked questions than someone with sinister intentions getting away with something awful because people took the huff at being questioned!
Common sense to ask if you're the parent if you have a different surname. You could be anyone. Sensible to ask and I'm glad they do.

VestalVirgin

So there's a "patriarchail norm" that children are the property of fathers but in the same post you say that children should have the same name as a mother and that women usually keep the children in a divorce ... which is it?

Common sense to ask if you're the parent if you have a different surname. You could be anyone. Sensible to ask and I'm glad they do.

Common sense would be to ask all adults travelling with children regardless of surname. In addition, they should be using technology to check who is the parent of the child etc. What they are doing at the moment i.e. treating parents with the same surname differently to those without the same surname is not common sense.

Children should always have the mother's surname as default
Just to comment on that. NO NO NO
Children should have the name they identify to. My mum changed my name when I was about 6 to hers. I hated it. Not because it was her name vs my dads, but because she was stripping me of MY name. I never told her so not to hurt her feelings, but in my heart, I remained my dad's surname and as I turned 18, I automatically took my father's name again (thankfully, she had not got all the way to changing my passport).

It must have marked me because even when I got married at 40, I didn't really took on my OH's name. I do for some things, not for others, but in my heart, I remain my dad's, or more like MY name.

Swingofthings: well yes: your situation could have been avoided had your Mum not re-branded herself under her husband's name every time she got married! Had she kept her own name , included both hers and your dad's name in YOUR name, you wouldn't have been placed in that position.

Why not include your own name in the child's name?

My children have my family name as a middle name. Border officer said that didn't help - birth certs still needed.

This is really common. We flew to the States recently as a family - all of us have the same surname - and my kids were still questioned by the immigration people. "Who is this lady?" "What's that man's first name?" "When is your birthday?"

It's standard and nothing to get pissed off about.

The golden rule of airports is? Don't sass the customs officers. You brought the in-depth questions on yourself. You were lucky not to spend the night in the small side room, where they keep the latex gloves!

Carry copies of their birth certificates

Whenever we come back to England from France on the Eurotunnel, customs always ask our kids where we've been, what we've been doing, how long we've been on holiday etc.
I also write a letter giving permission for my parents to take the kids abroad, including the dates they'll be gone and mine and my husbands passport numbers and contact numbers.
These people are just doing their job.

So there's a "patriarchail norm" that children are the property of fathers but in the same post you say that children should have the same name as a mother and that women usually keep the children in a divorce ... which is it?

Isn't it self explanatory? A norm refers to how society is. The word should is advocating how the poster thinks society should be.

As in, it is cold outside. We should put our coats on.

andnowitsseven he wants to keep his name. He has always been told that if he wants to change it he can. I don't think it's odd, it's his choice.

YABVU
It is very normal for customs to ask these questions. In fact it would be negligent if they didnt.
Always get a letter from the other parent when taking children out of the country.
And consider adding your surname as an extra middle name for your dc. Ive done this, as has a friend with her dc, and it really helps at customs.

I am sorry that the officer has upset you. French have a document called "livret de famille" (family booklet) which lists all your children hence the document question,

When I returned with ds from his country of birth to the UK with his fathers surname my solicitor told me as he and I and his father all hold British passports no one could stop me and I didn't need the expense of a court order.

In fact I've been at more times returning to county of birth than I have returning to UK!

So you don't like the fact your 2 older DC don't have your surname.
You had another child and did the same?
Can you double-barrel them all?
So they do share your surname.
I'll never understand giving up your surname or not not passing it down to DC
But I have to assume I'm in the minority and bit odd like that???

I'm literally scratching my head at how many people think this is anything to do with whether women are married or not. It happens to married people too. It also happens to people who are travelling g with family and friends DC. It's fuck all to do with society and the idea that women should be married and take their OH name. Some people are professionally offended here ffs.

This always happens to me. Carry their birthday certificates and proof of marraige/divorce or whatever in future x

I'm literally scratching my head at how many people think this is anything to do with whether women are married or not. It happens to married people too.

I don't think people have mentioned marriage have they? The issue is whether parents with different surnames than their children should be treated differently than those that have the same surname.

I got really pissed off with the woman at customs who questioned me like this with my ds1. Makes me really regret giving my children their fathers surnames

Dd1 was asked what her name was when we were returning to the UK after a holiday when she was 3 weeks away from being 2. She replied with her full name and address we got a few raised eyebrows from customs and then let through. I had been drumming her name and address into her the month or so before we went just encase she was asked.
What would happen if the child refused to answer the questions or got answers wrong?

Perfectly normal, although surely the questions are being asked at the immigration desk and not by customs (unless you are importing the children as freight)?
Like others here, the thing I find odd is questioning when returning to the UK but not when leaving it.

'What would happen if the child refused to answer the questions or got answers wrong?'

Then they move on to other ways of checking I suppose.

Which is a nonsense really, as anyone can get a birth certificate. You don't need to be the parents or even a relative to get one.

Surely it's because the parents are named on the birth certificate so it's to check that the name on the adults passport matches the named parents on the birth certificate

I think a few minutes inconvenience is worth it if it helps identify DCs who are in trouble or being abducted. I wouldn't take it personally. And I say that as someone who has travelled with a different surname to DC.