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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:

Peachypeaches · 31/07/2017 10:57

Whenever we fly into Orlando our son is asked who we are. We took one of his friends to France last year and were asked for a letter of authority from his parents on the way back home. He was also asked questions about who we were and how he knew us.

There's no reason to be upset by it, they're just trying to keep children safe.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 10:58

I find it really irritating that they question children with a different surname to their mother but seem happy to let fathers with the same surname through with barely a glance. Considering some surnames are very common having the same surname is not good enough evidence anyway in my opinion. With modern technology, they could easily add parents names to children's passports.
To date, I haven't travelled with my children by myself but if I do there is no fucking way I am taking a letter of permission from their father.

swingofthings · 31/07/2017 10:59

To be honest, I've found that it's hit and miss. Except for that one occasion when they were very little, I've never once been asked for produce a letter from my ex, even travelling to the USA.

The one time we took my DD's friend with us, she came back with my OH and I whilst my kids went on to stay with my mum. I had a panic the day before we travelled out that I didn't have a note from her mum so asked her at the last minute, but we were never asked, even on our way back when they were absolutely no linked between the three of us (wasn't yet married to OH) but to be fair, she was over 12 and children over the age of 12 can travel on their own on BA anyway.

swingofthings · 31/07/2017 11:01

With modern technology, they could easily add parents names to children's passports.
Actually the French do that. They can add a 'also known as' so my kids now have their dad's surname as main name, but a barrel name to include mine in their 'also known as'. Makes it much easier.

ChilliMary · 31/07/2017 11:01

I have a different surname from my dds, and always carry a letter, from their father, granting me his "permission " to let our children travel with me, and their birth certificates. Have been asked so many times to prove they are my children. It's so unpleasant, but i guess a necessary pain, when traveling.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 11:01

Which is a nonsense really, as anyone can get a birth certificate. You don't need to be the parents or even a relative to get one.

Exactly, carrying the birth certificate is not good evidence just as having the same surname is not good evidence, unless it's an unusual surname.

Rinceoir · 31/07/2017 11:03

Agreed, it's silly that my SIL could bring DD through and not get questioned but I do! All could be solved by adding a "parents" or "people with parental responsibility" line to children's passports.

Leilaniii · 31/07/2017 11:04

I fly with my DC at least 12 times a year. Although we have different surnames, I have never encountered this. That said, if we were challenged, I would be grateful for a system that could possibly prevent a trafficked child from being taken abroad, or a child being forcibly removed from its mother.

So yes, YABU.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 31/07/2017 11:05

It's a stupid rule but better to be safe than sorry. A copy of their birth certificate should help in these cases.

BarbaraofSeville · 31/07/2017 11:06

But wouldn't the fact that the parents are named on the birth certificate and all names match the passports comfirm parentage?

They have to do their checks. YABU to find them doing their jobs embarrasing, although I find it strange that they expect all surnames in a family to match, there are lots of countries/cultures where that isn't the norm at all.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 11:08

It's so unpleasant, but i guess a necessary pain, when traveling.

But it's not. There are far easier ways of identifying parents. The French seem to manage it so why can't we? I think that fact a father can travel without "permission" from the mother but not visa versa (unless she has been a good wife and changed her surname on marriage) outrageous.

Talith · 31/07/2017 11:08

YABU because they have a job to do. I would have been frustrated and humiliated too. I hate customs and security... The way they make tiny toddlers take off their shoes to go through the scanner. But I see it as necessary. If it's any comfort I got thoroughly interviewed and separated from my family because apparently my passport picture didn't look like me! Id maybe filled out a little in the face since the photo but it was a perfectly fine likeness. It was baffling! It's pretty bloody hard to argue yourself out of that one! I was basically just pointing at my face saying it matched the photo for half an hour. Apparently my driving licence and Uni photo pass didn't look like me either... Weird security guy...

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 11:11

Agreed, it's silly that my SIL could bring DD through and not get questioned but I do!

Yep, the policy means that DH brothers, cousins and most of their wives can apparently take my children abroad without their father's "permission" but I can't.

CatchIt · 31/07/2017 11:13

I had customs ask me if dd was my child but it was before I changed my passport over from my maiden name so dd was the only person in our party with a different surname.

It didn't bother me or make me feel embarrassed at all. It's one of those things isn't it?

They have a job to do and I feel they're damned if they do and damned if they don't.

WyfOfBathe · 31/07/2017 11:14

I think that fact a father can travel without "permission" from the mother but not visa versa (unless she has been a good wife and changed her surname on marriage) outrageous.

My stepdaughter has a double barrelled surname. OH takes her birth certificate and a letter from her mother when travelling abroad with her. He has been questioned and produced them twice out of four trips. So fathers can't travel without the mother's permission either.

Rocksyluv · 31/07/2017 11:14

I think in general it's not such a bad thing to verify it

However, I witnessed the attitude of the customs staff when I was in the queue at Heathrow behind a lady and a young girl (about 12), turned out it was grandmother and granddaughter, and she didn't have a letter from the parents to say they were travelling together, so fair enough he needed to check it out.

But the guy was just so abrasive and absolutely rude the way he was speaking to the grandmother, it was awful. He could easily have questioned her and the girl in a more polite and professional manner.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 11:16

So fathers can't travel without the mother's permission either.#

They can if they have the same surname apparently. Nobody has ever questioned DH which is ridiculous particularly as he has a very common surname.

SayNoToCarrots · 31/07/2017 11:17

Yep, the policy means that DH brothers, cousins and most of their wives can apparently take my children abroad without their father's "permission" but I can't.

You chose to give your child their surname instead of your own.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 11:18

I think that fact a father can travel without "permission" from the mother but not visa versa (unless she has been a good wife and changed her surname on marriage) outrageous.

but that's simply not true.
I have been stopped and our details checked when travelling with DH, when travelling alone, and he was asked questions too when travelling alone. It doesn't happen every time, but I don't feel targeted if I am on own.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 11:19

alone with our children, obviously

SoupDragon · 31/07/2017 11:19

I think that fact a father can travel without "permission" from the mother but not visa versa (unless she has been a good wife and changed her surname on marriage) outrageous.

But that isn't a "fact"

SoupDragon · 31/07/2017 11:20

Oh, and I find your snarky "good wife" quite rude.

Leilaniii · 31/07/2017 11:22

... and also, they sometimes ask questions like that to confirm that the children are not travelling on fake passports. My DH pointed out once how a customs agent used the DC's names when he was looking at their passports, ie. he said "MiniLei" when he was looking at DD's, to see if she would look up at the mention of her name.

These are very well-trained people who do an excellent job. If it is that hard for you to cope with, then I suggest you look into Deed Poll.

domesticslattern · 31/07/2017 11:22

If it makes you feel better, my family has been quizzed in a similar way and we all have the same surname.
So it is part and parcel of travelling.

gnushoes · 31/07/2017 11:23

Surely travelling with birth certs is an identity fraudster's wet dream?

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